i'm darkness and light, bubbles and faerie wings.
i am sparkles and glitter, shadows and clouds.
i love purple, and faeries, and books, and music.

Ramblings by Category

Ramblings by Year


I was so convinced that I had posted something else after that last post. I must have dreamed it and it must have been pretty real because I was so confused when my browser opened up this morning and I don’t have a new post. Wow.

Stress dreams suck.

soul song

i don’t know who i’m becoming
but i’m not the person
i always thought i’d be

seems i’ve forgotten
the song
that my soul’s supposed
to sing

i can no longer hear
the music
i’ve lost the melody

who am i?
who am i
supposed to be?

i used to find solace
in the wings of my muse
she used to whisper
the notes in my ear
but i’ve long since
forgotten the tune

8 months

I have been living with my in-laws for 8 months. I can’t believe that it was that long ago that our home burned down. Having been both burned out and evicted from the same place in the same year is rather a lot to have on your plate, I think.

I am terrified that we won’t be able to afford to buy our own place. I’ve been browsing the listings almost daily and what’s out there is way out of our range. Most places within our range are in really slummy areas and/or a really far commute for those who do not drive. So I don’t know what to do.

I’m stuck in this rut. The whole having my home taken from me so suddenly and so drastically is really weighing on my mind lately. I’m in this spiral of depression that has me worrying if it’ll stay and everything I worked for to get better mental-health wise is suddenly tossed out the window. But I know I’ve gone through a hell of a lot this year and it’s perfectly normal to suddenly feel so weighted down and low.

It doesn’t mean I have to like it. Or accept it.

I am tired of living with my in-laws. Not just because of the occasional stressful time that comes with living with parents, but also because I am tired of them having to rearrange their entire lives and home just for us to be there. It’s not fair to them and I hate feeling like a burden. I appreciate everything they have done for us and will do, but I am not happy being a refugee in their home, you know? I feel so horrible that we’ve come in their and turned their lives upside down. It’s bad enough that we’re drowning out there, we don’t need to take others with us.

I really, really loved my home. Yes, bad things happened there. If I could have that same place in a better area and not have to rent it, I would be happy. It was bright and I loved my kitchen and the front window that Jinx used to sit in and stare out of all day. I miss all of that so much that my heart aches every time we drive by that street. I hate passing the street, I hate knowing that that rat-bastard of a man was able to just take my home from me just like that and we can’t really do a bloody thing about it because we don’t have the money. I hate that I wish such ill tidings on him and violent things and that is not me. I am not that vengeful a person, but I wish him nothing by awful luck in that place.

I’m in a bad place these days. All because of that one Monday night 8 months ago today. Sometimes I fear I might never be fully happy again.

i never said i was the brightest bulb on the tree

but I am the purpliest, sparkliest one!

Dude, I am drinking coffee today. It’s wreaking havoc on my insides, but I am THAT desperate that I am drinking coffee. I have not slept in three nights, what’s up with that I don’t know. I think it’s the weather, it’s been really warm for the end of November. Stupid changes in barometric pressure always mess me up.

…. if course that was written almost 4 hours ago, and then stupid work got in the way. Rude, I tell you. The coffee has since given me the shakes and it’s hard to hold a pen or type without making a billion more typos than I normally make.

I wish my nose would stop running. It’s only running on the right side though, what the heck is up with that? My runny nose is proof that my migraine thing is mainly sinus related. I’m not really stuffy, just runny with immense sinus pain. I also have stomach cramps from the coffee.

I’m just a big ol’ mess today.

Have I mentioned how much I dislike my job. When I dislike something and I am also a tad depressed I tend to not really bother with it, which is bad. I wish I could have all that I have here and have my bookstore job back. I miss my bookstore JOB (not the bookstore atmosphere or management).

OK, Cat… let’s do some actual work today, ok? *nodnod*

EDIT :: Oh my gosh! I totally forgot to mention the weirdest part of my current sleeping problems, when I do actually sleep I have been having the most horrid nightmares and last night I kept dreaming about Lindsay Lohan – for no apparent reason, I don’t give two hoots about her! But there she was in my nightmare and I was her BFF or something and I think I was trying to save her soul and help her through her depression or whatever. And sometimes I think I WAS her and then when she was all committed and in isolation for serious depression I was the only one allowed in the huge cavern/factory/warehouse/secret cave thing to go talk to her and be her shoulder to lean on, but then suddenly I was watching myself walk into the underground thing and I wasn’t me, but I was her. Weird. And creepy. Where the heck did that come from, I wonder? Probably from all my Superficial reading lately. That girl seriously needs to learn to wear underpants. *shudder*

love the people, love the atmosphere, but dislike the job

As I sit here at my desk with my eyes half open and eating my Heinz Fruit Salad Puree, I am suddenly feeling like all I did last week was eat. I am no longer limited to baby food meals and liquid lunches (not the alcoholic kind, you lushes!) and although many things still cause me digestive grief, I can manage a whole lot more. And a whole lot more is what I had. I think I was eating three meals a day – which is very unlike me anyhow. I just couldn’t stop from being starving. I am pretty sure much of that had to do with last week being “hormonal week” and whereas I don’t normally eat my self out of house and home that week, after 6 weeks of barely eating anything I felt like my stomach was a bottomless abyss!

I am sure I gained back much of the 10 lbs I lost in those 4 days a few weeks ago. I know I gained at least 3 back, because at the start of last week I was 3lbs heavier, but still not freaking out because it was still way under where I was. My pants are still falling off, but the belt isn’t comfortable and I am still not a size smaller if I try on pants. Grrr. I hate being that “in-between” size it is so irritating.

I am rather glad I am back at work because I won’t be eating as much. I have my little snack in the morning, my sandwich around noonish (or earlier since I have a course through lunch today) and then go home for dinner. Often I might munch on something around 3:00. I swear I want to be in a size smaller pair of pants before Christmas!

Since there was mysteriously no traffic this morning, I got to work super early and then fought for 45 minutes with Outlook to try and read my mail. I cannot express enough how much I loath that stupid program. *kicks Outlook* Heaven forbid I want to switch from one email to the next in less than 5 minutes. What was I thinking?

Ok, I should probably try and get some work done… after all, I have been away for a week!