Once upon a time, I had a lovely wool (ok, acrylic) coat that I bought at Old Navy. This was a coat I wore most of the fall and winter seasons for about two years. Unfortunately said coat was donated to a second-hand store at the start of last winter. Why? Well it turns out the coat was likely a trigger for the ptsd issues as it was the coat I was wearing when the guy fell from the sky. Couple that with November being rather March-like, even though I loved that coat, there were too many things pushing ME off the edge. So I followed the suggestion of my therapist and got rid of the coat.
Problem was, I couldn’t find anything to replace it with. I looked much of last year for another wool (not wool) coat, but nothing fit, or nothing was just right. I miss that Old Navy coat a lot, it was perfect for me – a person who overheats easily – so I could wear it most of the winter with just an extra hoodie or something underneath if I needed to.
This year I was on the look out for a new coat again. It’s not easy finding what you’re looking for WHEN you’re looking for it. I wasn’t looking for a coat when I got the Old Navy one, I needed a non-parka, yes, but I wasn’t actively looking for something. That’s the way I find the best things.
Anyways… On Monday I was wandering around with my friend Elise at lunch, and I stopped in a store to check out their coats. Their wool (not wool) coats were all too small for my ample boobage, but they had these cottony type ones in a few colours. I tried on one in burgundy, and it fit. I wasn’t sure about the colour though. I was eyeing the green coat as well. Both Elise and the sales attendant assured me the burgundy coat was lovely, and so I got it. (Note: it was on SALE! woot!) I fretted about the colour the rest of the day. I brought it home, modelled it for Shawn and myself, took some photos in the mirror (above) and planned on wearing it to work the next day.
All day Tuesday the coat nagged at me. I felt frumpy. I felt like I looked like a frumpy, old lady. By the end of the day I was almost hyperventilating from the thought of having this stupid red coat. I wanted the green coat. I had Shawn look for the tags in the recycling bin. I couldn’t believe the reaction I was having to this silly coat. It was a COAT for pete’s sake. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how I needed the green coat. The green coat would be better.
So we went to the store right after work. I had checked online to make sure they had the large size in green on my way home (thank you smart phones!) and with the red coat in a bag, receipts and tags in my hand, I exchanged the red coat for the green coat.
And suddenly I could breathe again. The tightness in my chest opened up. My hands were no longer shaking.
I can’t believe I had this reaction to a coat. I know my gut feelings are generally on point, and I can feel a knot in my stomach when something isn’t right for me, but I can’t think of the last time I almost had a full-blown anxiety attack over an object. When I am already sick, depressed*, or anxious*, I have been known to freak out over something I am wearing, or nail polish being on my nails (getitOFFgetitOFFgetitOFF!), or something like that. But this was a simple case of being indecisive over which of the two colours I wanted, and apparently I chose the wrong one.
Oddly, the green coat fits better. This isn’t my imagination. The arms are less tight and it falls more comfortably or something. I can even see it in the photos I took.
The nifty thing about this coat (in either colour), is that the inside is removable, so I’ll have something lighter to wear come spring. Or you know, tomorrow, when it’s 14C outside (after having been 0C or below, WITH snow earlier this week.) The furry part around the hood also comes off. Thankfully.
*I have been quite lucky this fall as I have not yet had any PTSD relapses. I am hoping this will continue through the winter. I am working very hard at getting better, and staying better. I’m still bummed to no end about giving up that original coat, but I also like to feel sane and not-broken.
I have had nothing to write about. Nothing that I feel is worthy about posting online, anyhow. I suppose I could post little bits and bobs of posts from my phone, but I just don’t like blogging by phone.
I feel bad though, because I love having this blog, and I love (or I used to love) blogging. I am not sure what’s up with me and blogging these days, but I’m not neglecting it on purpose.
I think perhaps my perspective on what to write about has changed over the years. Sometimes you have such a run of bad news, and negativity, that you step back from sharing things with the entire world (aka, Internet). Once the clouds clear away, you’re stuck in the non-sharing mode and it’s apparently difficult to get back into the swing of things.
I could blog about how Yoshi turns down my sheets almost every night about bed. (I will – I just need to edit the photos so I can upload them.)
I could blog about how I came home from work early last week and discovered that Shawn had made the house magical, and sparkly by putting up out-door lights. And when I walked into the house, he had also put up other Christmas decorations, and it just made my bad day seem so far away because…WHIMSY! (Again, I have to edit photos.)
I could blog about how the course I am taking this semester – Intro to Book Design – is taking up SO MUCH of my time, but OMG am I ADORING the course. I am currently making a travel guide to Disney World. But using InDesign is time consuming, and I just don’t HAVE much free time until this course is over.
I’m also knitting again. I’m working on a scarf for a friend, though Yoshi is quite concerned about his own lack of scarf. The one I started for another friend months ago, was finally finished. Yoshi was thrilled, until I washed it and wouldn’t let him near it. He wanted it for himself. For some reason he likes wearing scarves. Perhaps I’ll make him one for Christmas.
I just don’t know what to write about anymore. I don’t want this to become a dog-blog, because I’m more than just a person who talks about her dogs (shush. It’s true! Although my instagram feed sort of makes it look like I only discuss Yoshi.)
Anything you folk(s) want to read about? So far I know my Mum reads my blog… I hope some others still do. 😉 Leave a comment if you want me to write about something. That might help me get back into the groove of things.
Meanwhile, I leave you with that lovely above photo of Yoshi. Since Shawn put up the lights, I get a lovely, sparkly YoshiBear in the window when I come home from work. It’s the most heart-warming thing EVER!
Seriously, you guys. The older I get, the more difficult blogging becomes. Not because I don’t have anything to say (I ALWAYS have things to say!) but because I just don’t have the time or energy to write it all down at the end of the day. Which is why I am writing about my Halloween on the 8th of November. Just turn your calendars back to last month whilst you read this, ok? It’ll seem like October all over again!
Back in 1985 I had one idol. She had a band called the Holograms. Her name was Jem.
I wanted to BE Jem. I wanted to sing pop songs, make music videos, have magic earrings, and PINK HAIR! I knew from a very, very young age that I wanted to sing and make records, but once I saw the flashing, glittery-glamour of Jem appear on my tv screen back in ’85, I knew what my life’s calling would be.
It’s taken WAY too long for that to happen.
But for one day this year, I got to live that dream. No singing. No record deals, but I came to work dressed as Jem and I was so happy. Thanks to my amazing husband, and his gifting me a Christmas present way early, I even had the magical earrings!
People – these earrings LIGHT UP! No magical Synergy or holograms, but still. They light up! Woot! I could “Showtime, Synergy!” all day and make the little stars flashy flashy. It was amazing.
It’s not the most perfect of costumes. I made it myself thanks to some dollar store items, and an inside out nightgown from WalMart. Oh, and those shoes. People. The shoes. They cost me $2.99 and I only bought them because my besties told me I had to – but they made the costume! (And were surprisingly comfortable for sneaker-heels.)
Yoshi helped me put the costume together by laying on almost every item I had on the floor when I was making it. He’s helpful that way. He even got tangled in the thread when I was sewing the fringe on my belt. Since I knew how much he loved helping me make my costume, I had the brilliant idea to have Yoshi join me in living my Jem dream. On Halloween, as we gave out candy, I had Yoshi dressed up as Rio, Jem’s boyfriend!
One toddler tie (which was bought for Jinxy right before he passed away :(), and one Hawaiian shirt with the collar popped (that Shawn bought over the summer and then forgot about), and VOILA! Jem has a boyfriend in 80s chique!
So I might have waited 30 years (WHAT? Ugh.) to become my first idol, but then I milked that costume for all it was worth and wore it for two days. My eyes weren’t all that happy about it though. Two days of awesome 80s Jem eye make-up my poor little eyes were itchy and cranky. But my gosh if it wasn’t worth it and so much fun!
It was – wait for it – TRULY OUTRAGEOUS!