i'm darkness and light, bubbles and faerie wings. i am sparkles and glitter, shadows and clouds. i love purple, and faeries, and books, and music.

Ramblings by Category

Ramblings by Year

fauxplessness

I don’t really have a photo to go with this post so here is a photo of Abigail pretending she’s a flower in my garden.

The good news: After four years, I have finally gotten to the point where I am confident I have overcome the trauma I suffered in March 2013. I am no longer broken. I am scarred, but not broken. This means my doctor and I have been slowly decreasing the medication originally prescribed to help glue me together. I am looking forward to being medication-free once more.

The bad news: The first week of a decrease in medication is rough. It varies in difficulty per person, per medication, and even per dosage. And sometimes that roughness sends you into spiral of complete and total hopelessness. There’s no point in anything. There is no hope. No light. No reason.

But it’s not a true hopelessness. It’s false. I call it faux-plessness. Because I know everything isn’t hopeless. I know I am OK. But my brain is currently trying to figure out why it feels weird. My body is looking for extra dosages of whatever it was in those yellow and white pills. I guess it’s looking for the white part, because the pills I’m on now are all yellow.

I feel like total crap this week. From dizzy spells, to nausea, to random bouts of paranoia and anxiety, to a deep, suffocating sadness that convinces me there’s no hope for anything in my life. My head is in a fog. I want to cry one second, rage the next. I feel abandoned by friends that I love, and yet feel a total overwhelming sense of love for my friends that I want to hug them forever.

Up and down. Spinning.

I feel slightly better today than I did on Monday, which was the first day I was on the decreased dosage. Oddly, the decrease before this one (which was 4 months ago) didn’t have the same effect on me. That one mostly effected my sleep. 100mg I sleep like I am drugged, 75mg everything is fine, 50mg WIDE AWAKE HELLO INSOMNIA, 25 mg…. WHY DO I LIFE?! SO ALONE! GLOOOOOOM!!

But by this time next week this will all be gone. I will feel normal again. And as I continue on this dosage until I start to stagger the pills to every second day, then every third day and so on… I look forward to living my life without crippling anxiety and fear in a medication-free zone.

I had worked so hard to take care of myself mentally, after years and years of depression and other mood disorders. I was so proud of who I was and how strong I’d become. And then March 27, 2013 happened and I broke apart. It’s been a long, uphill battle to get myself back into feeling safe and strong again. I have gained the gift of learning more ways to help strengthen myself, and these gifts are what are allowing me to slowly remove the medication from my body.

But right now, the change is frustratingly overwhelming. I know it lasts about 5-10 days for me. It will pass. I know this stabbing hopelessness and sadness in my chest will evaporate soon. Also the dizzy spells. I’d like them to go away, too. Especially with how random they are. I don’t want to work or drive right now because…ugh.

But soon this fauxplessness will vanish and I’ll be right as rain. (Speaking of rain…CAN WE NOT WITH THE RAIN EVERY DAY THIS SUMMER, PLEASE?! Not helping the mental stuff. Also my garden is so soggy the plants are drowning to death. *sniff*)

Existing is exhausting. Good grief.

twelve

july 2 2005

I didn’t write about our tenth anniversary, nor did we really celebrate it much because we were still reeling from the loss of Jinx the summer before. It’s a small thing, but since Jinx entered our lives the day before our wedding, this weekend was all about the Jinxaversary more than ours. He should have been 10 when we celebrated 10 years married. We were sad. We were quiet. We grieved together rather than partied it up for our 10 years together. But what makes that weekend special still is how we both felt the exact same way, and spent it together.

I didn’t write about our eleventh anniversary because, well, I’m not sure exactly? I am guessing that I was not in a particularly great headspace based on the ONE blog post I wrote in July last year. And well, it wasn’t long after that that I came to the realization I needed to leave my job and do something else with my life. I can’t even remember what we did for our anniversary last year. Hmm. I know it rained that Canada Day weekend.

This year though. This year is twelve.

And this is us.

We can’t take a serious photo to save our lives. All those couples who have those sweet, smiling, perfect photos of them together, in frames in their homes. Well… we don’t have that. Because this photo right here? From last night? It’s pretty much us in a nutshell. We’re always goofy together. We laugh. We do silly things. And after 12 years of marriage – a marriage that we never thought we’d have because neither one of us wanted to really get married. Like, we hate weddings. A lot. But we did our own version of one and it was fun.

And it was us.

So very us.

Through everything, and I mean everything, we have been through while together, this has been one heck of a ride. We’ve grown stronger together. We’ve become such a strong team together. Even in the darkest of times we have found humour and laughter. We laugh a lot. A lot.

We are silly, and goofy, and snarky, and judgemental (not at each other, but at everyone else. ha!). We went from living with one dog, to worrying about how we’d live with two (Oh, Jinxy.), to realizing we can’t live withOUT two Lappies, to being adopted by a bitchy, yet loveable (at times), cat. Now we are outnumbered by the four-legged floofs in this house and I think we’re full up. No more. We’re done.

But oddly, our little family of five seems just right for us.

Because every year I think about us, and our lives together, and realized that we have always been US together. We don’t do things like others do them. Are brilliantly different than so many others out there. We have our marriage, and our lives together in our own way. And we are so similar to each other that it works. It works perfectly.

 

We work perfectly.

We fit.

We are so very us.

Happy anniversary to the man who keeps me grounded, safe, strong, laughing, and in love.