i'm darkness and light, bubbles and faerie wings.
i am sparkles and glitter, shadows and clouds.
i love purple, and faeries, and books, and music.

Ramblings by Category

Ramblings by Year

be proud of you

One thing that always seems to send me over the edge into CATSMASH! mode is when someone belittles another person’s, well, anything. There’s a lot of this in the online world. Having a screen between you and another person adds a sort of shield, where you feel safer saying things you would probably never, ever say to that person’s face.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, what with the sleepless nights and all that’s going on in my head, and I have also  been having lots of interesting conversations with people over the last few months. I feel like I need to remind the world, or my small corner of it, that you should be proud of YOU.

Everyone has their own journey. Some journeys are easier than others. Some have it rough. But if you’re sitting here, reading this right now? Congratulations! You’ve made it. You’ve survived! You might be going through some awful shit right now, but you’ve made it this far, and that I think is worthy of pride.

I’m not saying I’m not guilty of judging others. I’m not perfect. But I try very hard to stop myself from thinking that thought and think, “well, for them, that is obviously an accomplishment and it should be celebrated.” It’s not always easy, sometimes you get lost in thinking, “Hey, I have it way worse and I do so much more that that!” But everyone is different. You can’t possibly look at two people, with completely different lives and compare them. You can’t. It’s not fair.

I look at people who have children and I think, “holy hell, I could NEVER do that!” because they don’t sleep, they look after one – or many more! – children, and they STILL manage to get through the day like everyone else. They work, they stay at home and watch children (that itself is EXHAUSTING), they cook, they clean, they do everything else that I do, but they have the added challenge of parenting at the same time. Homework? I was so happy when that left my life after school. The thought of having to help someone with homework now just sends chills of terror down my spine. Nope. No way. No thank you.

But then again, parents can be guilty of comparing their lives to those of people without children. Just because I am not looking after a tiny human, doesn’t mean I don’t have my own challenges. It doesn’t make it better or worse, it just means we all have burdens to carry and issues to resolve and it’s OK. It’s what makes us human.

If you’re proud of your accomplishments, then BE proud. Share those moments you’re so proud of with others. More often than not, you’re inspiring the people who are reading about them. Don’t let one cranky, jealous, comment make you hide those parts of yourself. If you’re thrilled you managed to run 8km, or made an amazing (to you) meal – SHARE IT. These are important things to embrace. You’re not fishing for compliments, you’re just PROUD that you accomplished whatever task it was that to you was a challenge.

And don’t reply to other people’s accomplishments with things like, “Well, I ran 10km and it was even harder!” or, “How could you even eat that? Don’t you know how unhealthy that is, you should…blah blah” Just don’t.

Allow people their space online to be proud of who they are.

Respect the journey your life has been on to this point. It’s made you who you are. Try not to fall prey to jealousy when you see someone post something that makes you feel like you’ll never reach that goal.

Stop worrying about other people’s lives and be proud of the one YOU are living right now. You’ve fought battles, you have your scars, you have your good moments and your bad ones. Whatever age you are, or whatever point in life you’re at right now, it means you’ve accomplished something. You made it to today.

Be proud of your good hair day. Be proud of your home (be it big, small, crowded, sparse). Be proud of your family, and friends. Be proud of the obstacles you’ve overcome to get to this point in life.

Respect the journey you’ve been on, and be proud of yourself. Don’t let anyone ever take that from you. Don’t second-guess. Just ignore those who are jealous, or try to cut you down to make themselves feel better about life. Those people do not matter. You matter. And you will always matter to someone, even if you feel that you don’t.  Embrace the uniqueness that is you because that’s what makes us all special.

1027

The number of songs currently on my iPhone, and I don’t want to listen to any of them.

They are all annoying me. I just skip, skip, skip, past each one. I stop, thinking I’ve found a song I want to listen to, but then skip it half-way through. I hate this feeling. I hate days like this. Well, more like weeks. I had over 2000 songs on here until recently, but got rid of most of them, keeping only those I was more inclined to let play.  Alas, not so much any more.

music

 

So, I can’t read, and now I can’t listen to music. My two main outlets are currently out of service. I keep rustling my feathers, unable to sit still. I could really use a break from all of this.

sometimes we find lost dogs & other stories

It was a short work week this week due to Thanksgiving weekend last weekend. Of course my week was made even shorter with the addition of a wonderful gastro flu thing. I was at work for all of 2 days out of four. Go me. Ugh.

Tuesday morning as I was getting ready to leave for work there was a dog party in the street. Cars and people and dogs. We thought it was just people walking their dogs until I was leaving the house and saw that one of the dogs was still around when all humans and cars had vanished. She was a tall, gangly Husky and she came right up and gave me kisses before galloping away from me.

I asked Shawn to see if he could help catch her as I was on my way to the bus, but she ran off. He was going to go look for her but suddenly she found her way to the street I was on while waiting for the bus and after almost getting hit by a car, she ran up to me SO HAPPY to see me again! OMG! BEST FRIENDS! I was first in line for my bus with three other people behind me. I was trying to hold onto this dog, dropped my lunch bag, trying to open my phone and call Shawn to come meet me with a leash – and do you think ONE person offered to help me? No. Instead, what happened as I fell down into the WET grass while holding on to the dog, they all just MOVED UP ONE STEP to TAKE MY PLACE IN LINE.

Idiots.

None of them answered me when I asked them if the dog looked familiar. Not a one. One girl said “Guess you have to make a choice – play with your dog or go to work.” She wasn’t my dog, idiot girl! I was telling you she was LOST and we didn’t want her running around. Ugh. So Shawn met me with the leash, I missed my bus  but who cares (I got the next one and it was less crowded. So there.) and another woman pulled up saying she was also looking for the dog to take her to a vet since she’d been running loose for a while. Shawn ended up taking her home – she loved people but was terrified of dogs. And as he was trying to coax her into our house so he could watch her and call the police to let them know about the lost dog, a woman called out to her. Apparently she gets loose all the time. I wonder why? Couldn’t possibly be because the woman walked away WITHOUT A LEASH FOR THE DOG and just let her bound around freely. OH MY GOD. What is wrong with people.

Regardless, the day started out exciting and wasn’t such a horrible day after that. We find a lot of lost dogs in our neighbourhood. People don’t seem to care for them very well.

(Turns out, we find lost dogs every second year, in odd-numbered years. First there was Hassenpfeffer in 2009, then Smooches in 2011 and now this lovely Husky girl whom we did not have long enough to find a name for. 😉 And because I find this now happens way too frequently, I’m making a tag for these posts so I can refer to them easier when I find a new dog. Jeez.)

@))–>–

It was my father-in-law’s birthday over Thanksgiving weekend and I made him a card.

I’m quite happy with this card. I am still amused by the party hats I put on the animal stickers. Even a week later and it still makes me giggle. Heh. I now need to replenish my animal and party hat stickers. I didn’t have any hunter stickers so I had to make my father-in-law by hand. (and I cut out all those trees from fancy paper.) I need to get back to work on my Christmas card making. They will not be this detailed though. 😉

@))–>–

As I mentioned I was sick towards the end of this week. I started feeling bad on the bus ride into work on Thursday and was so sick once I got to the office. So sick that Shawn drove into town to come pick me up and I left 45 minutes after getting in. Spent the rest of the day in bed or the bathroom. Felt slightly better Friday but still  had an upset stomach and nothing panicks me more than having stomach issues at work. Ugh. My super wonderful boss said I could work from home if I wanted to and I was actually quite productive. Imagine that. Without annoying coworkers coming to ask me to do things that they don’t want to do themselves. I should work from home more often. =P

I also spent part of last weekend and some nights this week making book covers front, back and spine for a class project. I’m no graphic artist and I was doing the best I could with images borrowed from the internet and photoshop but I had a fun time making them. This assignment is now submitted and it was a fun group project. We’ve got 3 more to work on before the semester is done, but I’m enjoying this class immensely. It’s all about sales & marketing for book publishers and has pretty much solidified my desire to move into this field when I am done. (Or maybe I’ll make book covers!)

Anyhow, I’m still sick today, only it seems to have morphed into a head cold (with occasional cough). Boo. I am sick enough that I skipped my outdoor fitness class this morning. I really don’t want to be doing intense cardio when my stomach is still iffy. That just won’t end well for anyone. Yeesh. I will be posting about my fitness classes though! I have a post in my head and I still need to finish that post about the label I am giving this year! I have had it in drafts since the summer. Bad me!

@))–>–

That’s it really. Nothing much else exciting. Oh! We did get some awesome tacky bed sheets at Target yesterday. (I’m surprised we bought anything since Target has not impressed us one bit since it opened in our province. But we were desperate for sheets that weren’t ripped! And it’s easier to get to (less of a traffic headache) than the Wal-Mart. I really, really miss Zellers. Sigh)

These sheets remind me of sleeping at my grandparents’ place. They remind Shawn of sleeping in the country. Either way, we both seemed to have slept wonderfully last night and I am attributing that to these sheets. 😉

that time i got free money and other random stuff

We haven’t been the happiest of households lately due to many reasons, so once in a while I like to take a moment and reflect on the good things that happen just to give my brain a change of scenery. Often the good things come buried under all the negative and you can’t really appreciate them much at the time they happen.

For instance, I received a cheque in the mail last week for what I call free money. It’s not really free money but that’s exactly how I feel about it. When I bought my Macbook a few years ago I financed it through the store. It was 24 equal payments, etc.  And then we needed to replace something else and I financed it through the same store. So I was getting the store credit card bill and when we were both gainfully employed I was putting more down on this card so I could pay things off faster. I was certain at one point that I had paid off the card, yet I still got a bill every week saying I owed money and that it looked like I had a balance. So I paid it. I finally received a bill in June that said my 24 payments were over, I had a $0.00 payment to make and that I had the full limit of the card free. Ok. But then I noticed I had a CREDIT on the card. They called me and I called them back last week. This week I received that credit – over $1.300 in the mail! The woman on the phone said “Well, you’ve been overpaying for about 10 months.” Huh. (she was VERY nice!) So I said, “Well then, you guys need to rethink the way your statements are written, because this money never showed up as having been paid, it was still telling me I had to pay the monthly instalment and I didn’t want to accidentally get a black mark on my credit.” So I took that $1,300 and put it on my actual credit card for this payment because that poor card has been getting too much use these days for reasons. The money came at the best time for it to come. I don’t feel so drowned by debt right now. Yay. Money things are frustrating.

We’ve reached a major turning point in the house this weekend. For over a month, Sophie has been a very good girl while left out free-range. Turns out if you cover the coffee table with a blanket, Sophie doesn’t notice it. Or destroy it. And if you put the baby gate up between the living room and the foyer, she doesn’t chew up shoes. She’s also a lot less anxious while out free and doesn’t HOWL and BARK the time we’re gone. So… since we have started winter-proofing the yard while it’s still relatively nice outside, I had thought that perhaps we could store the new deck table and chairs inside the house for the winter. I figured out that I need a dedicated study space at home because I just can’t work properly sitting on the couch. I used to go up to one of the guest rooms and sit on the bed in there, but it was just too hard on my back. The shed in the backyard is crap, broken and just doesn’t have room to store the new furniture. We used to toss the crappy plastic stuff in there. but I didn’t want to do this for the new stuff.

So Sophie’s crate has been taken apart and put in the basement. We’ll keep the cafe table and chairs in the kitchen for me to sit at while I work. One chair was a little gross with spiders and other stuff, so it’s still outside from being cleaned and disinfected. It’ll come in when we think it’s safe. 😉

I know that by posting this Sophie’s Big Step news that I’m probably jinxing it, but I think she’s a lot less anxious now and she’s been left alone in other places and never causes trouble. Having the table “out of sight, out of mind” seems to help.

But of course the blanket was pulled off the other day, Shawn said. It might not have been Sophie. It might have been this guy…

Because Jinx really, really, really loves to snuggle with this blanket lately. This is what we use to cover the table when we go out. But when we’re home, I use it to cover my own legs when I’m cold. Jinx has started balling it up and using it as a pillow. Then posing cutely on it when I want to take a photo.

So perhaps it was Jinx who pulled the blanket off the table. Either way, Shawn said both dogs knew how unhappy he was about it and how they did something wrong. It hasn’t happened since.

But… I don’t want to share my fuzzy blanket, Mummy. Make him stop!

Although we did have the tragedy the other night of Jinx having to SHARE his blanket when Shawn came and sat on the couch next to us for a moment to show me something. Jinx was most distraught. This is HIS fuzzy blanket! Silly dog. It’s MY blanket. I got it as a Christmas gift two (or three?) years ago. I think my boss needs to get me a new one. 😉

And finally, I am joining a crossfit class! I have already been to one, it’s just around the corner from my house! A whopping 60-second walk away! I’ll only be able to make the Tuesday night class but it’ll be a nice compliment to my Aqua Fit course (that starts back this week) and the walk/run I’m doing on the mountain AND at home. I consider this a positive thing because it’s making me FEEL so much better and it’s a group of fun people with an amazing trainer! I’m not becoming one of those Born Again Fitness Nuts though. I’m just pleased that I am learning to really enjoy being active and that this activity is helping me with everything from my Fibro pain to my PTSD from the jumper guy to even the stress and rage I feel at work. I’m all for helping solve those problems through ways other than medication. I don’t want to be taking medication anymore. I’m tired of it and I just want my body to feel better without chemical help. So far so good. So I’ll keep up what I’m doing. The more active I get the more I want to BE active. And I feel off if I’m not. Which is a good thing. Regardless of how discouraged I get about the running. I actually enjoy it – just not always at the TIME of the run. I am super stoked about this crossfit/interval training class though. It will help me work on upper arm strength (of which I have none) and everything else. And it’s so close to home! (Bonus motivation points!)

Aaaannnnd… as I am writing this, Jinx just pawed at the fuzzy blanket on the couch to make it to his liking and snuggled down into it.

Just now. Bless his heart.

monday ups and downs

Epically vivid nightmares aren’t new to me. Almost all of my dreams are nightmares, and all dreams are vivid (and in colour, which I have been told is rare?) and I always know when my dreams are stress-related because of their location. I pay attention to my dreams because, well, they are pretty epic and vivid. 😉 There was that time I woke up from a dream about my grandfather needing an ambulance and dying – only to find out that at the time I woke up from the dream, my grandfather WAS in an ambulance and 36 hours later, passed away. I trust in dreams and although I’m no Buffy the Vampire Slayer with the prophetic dreams, I am a believer in intuition.

So, this morning, I woke up from a really bizarre nightmare that was in a location I was unfamiliar with. Normally my stress dreams take place in the house I grew up in, lately they take place in my grandparents’ old home. But the location of this dream was unknown to me. It had all sorts of things in it, like my parents, my sister, some random old lady that wasn’t my grandmother, a ban on water (from last week’s water boiling advisory obviously), and not being allowed to use the heat in freezing cold weather. (ice storm?) Anyhow, part of the dream had me trying to check my lottery ticket in the newspaper and I couldn’t figure out which of the boxes to look at for the winning numbers for my area. The section of the paper with the lotto numbers was in red and green boxes and some numbers were only for parts of Canada that I wasn’t in and everything was confusing and my sister was telling me I was stupid for not knowing how to look up the numbers. And the numbers were a bunch of 03s, 07s and 04s and I was all “Wait, numbers don’t normally repeat in lotto tickets, so this can’t be right”

When I woke up I remembered I needed to check the ticket I bought on Friday night for Saturday’s draw. Then promptly forgot about it.

Cut to lunch time when I watched the clock, waiting for the moment where I could go change into my bathing suit and head up to my Aqua Fit class. I am so tired today (one of the side effects of epically, vivid dreams is not feeling like you have slept well) and I was so close to just skipping the class, but I love it so much that’s what makes me actually COME IN on a Monday. So I got changed, and walked up the mountain to the gym – only to be met by cop cars one tiny block away from the gym. They were blocking off the roads and told us that due a gas fire (construction outside the gym broke a gas main) no one could pass. We couldn’t get to the gym from another road because they were evacuating it. UGH.

So I walked back to the office, changed back into my non-bathing suit stuff and texted Shawn to see if he wanted to meet for lunch. There was no way I was staying in the office. I needed to be outside. Preferably in the pool, where I would de-stress, but alas.

So rather than going to aqua fit, I went and had hot dogs and fries. Totally the same thing. Yep. I was with my husband. It was nice.

Then, as we wandered around after we ate we passed a lotto booth, so I said “Oh! I should scan the ticket and see if we won anything!”

Turns out we won $75.50! Hoohah!

The most I have ever won in the lotto until today was $20. Normally it’s $5-$10, which we always just put back into new tickets. What do I do with this windfall? I told my boss I was putting it in my piggy bank for “I quit this job” and hopefully will have a few million in it soon. She didn’t like that idea much for some reason. Hmm.

So, I couldn’t go to aqua fit which made me sad, but I did win $75 in the lotto, after a dream where I needed to check my lotto ticket because I was supposed to win money. So I guess that evens out?

Maybe I’ll try jogging tonight when I get home – it’s been over 2 weeks since I last went out, but I’m feeling lucky today AND I didn’t have my regular 50 minutes of cardio like I normally do on Monday. It will depend on how hot it is though and if I can ever shake this exhaustion. Hmm.

Of course if someone wants to give me another $75 today, I promise I’ll jog after work!