• memories

    remembering

    erin walker :: august 6, 1977 – october 23, 1994 when i close my eyes she’s too young to be forgotten her world has only just begun her future is an empty slate waiting to be filled and i see her standing there when i close my eyes dancing in the sky over moonbeams, around clouds starlight in her eyes angels in her hair and i see her when i close my eyes child of the sunlight daughter of the day sleeping on bed of roses with flowers in her hair the wind it softly kissed her cheek the raindrops fell like tears and i see her when i close my eyes a thousand white candles their flames dancing with the air as rocks play tag with ocean she’s fast asleep never to be woken and i see her when i close my eyes © catherine healy October 23, 1994 ~~>–<@>–<~~ You know what I think about the most on today’s anniversary? That next year it will be 20 years since the accident. Twenty. It has been longer (even now) since then than the number of years I knew Erin and had her as a friend. I am no longer the 18-year old girl I was when this accident happened. I am nineteen years older. I am less innocent. I am a lot more jaded. Yet, there’s rarely a month that goes by that I don’t think of Erin and wonder what sort of 30-something woman she’d be now. What…

  • memories

    ten years of blogging

    My first ever blog post was on Blurty on October 9, 2003. I started blogging because of my new friend Young Anthony (who was even younger in 2003 than he is now, but always younger than I am!) and I really never thought it would be something I would still be doing ten years later. In April 2004, I moved my blog from Blurty to Blogspot and sadly that was in a year when Blogger was going through a lot of technical issues and I lost my blog posts from those years. In March 2005 I moved here – to my own self-hosted blog and have been here happily ever after. I learnt a lot from studying the top websites on the internet (click here for some of the top websites), and from there, it was all a dream came true as I copied them and slowly nurtured my own blog style. You learn a lot when you blog for as many years as I have. You can meet a ton of people. I often feel nostalgic for the days of the “Next Blog” arrow at the top of all Blogger blogs. That arrow lead me to meet bloggers who have become dear friends over the years. Some I have met in person, some I still need to meet and only a few still blog regularly. Heck, when I first got a Facebook account, many of my blogging friends laughed and said they’d never get one. Now? I am friends…

  • memories,  my muse

    august nostalgia

    Sometimes I dream outfits so vivid and real that I am certain I have them in my closet. It’s never the case. This time I had a vivid dream of a burgundy blazer over a burnt orange top, paired with a plaid kilt in mustard yellow, charcoal grey and burgundy. It was so vivid I HAD to draw it, even though I haven’t drawn in over 10 years. (And never mind that I can’t draw feet, ok?)* I have always loved August. I don’t know why exactly, I think it’s the light. August is always golden and warm. It’s not quite autumn but you know it’s on the way. Magazines and circulars are full of Back to School supplies and clothes and I used to love – LOVE! – when my August edition of YM magazine (and sometimes Seventeen) would arrive and I would hungrily look through the pages mentally shopping for my new clothes. The clothes that would make a New Me come the start of school at the end of the month. A New Me never happened, of course. But there’s something hopeful and magical about getting new clothes at the start of a school year that makes you feel new. Even though once you walk through the doors into the school halls you always walk and everything stays the same, there’s something in the air. Everything smells new. Everything feels new. Everyone has new clothes, school bags, pencils, pens, locker decor. Man, I miss locker decor. They have some…

  • memories,  my muse,  the anomaly that is me

    truly outragous: one girl’s dream

    When I was a kid, I was shy, nervous, anxious, worried that everyone hated me and I loved to SING. Between the ages of 9-12 there was one cartoon on TV that just made everything bad in my life go away. Jem and the Holograms was my solace and my dream. I used to play dress-up with my friends and I’d be Jem and they’d be my holograms. I had Jem dolls (my sister has Misfits, I think?). Jem was my dream, my inspiration. I wanted to BE her when I was a kid. Jem sang. She had magic (well, holograms that seemed like magic). Synergy was beautiful and purple and could fly. Jem and her Holograms has brightly coloured hair. They were AMAZING! If only real life was like Jem and the Holograms – with less orphaned kids and people always trying to kidnap and kill the orphans. (Zipper! Seriously! What was your deal with the always wanting to burn the orphans up? Therapy was obviously needed in your life.) I never liked the Misfits much. I liked Stormer, with her blue hair and raspy voice, but I think that’s because she was the Misfit with the heart of gold. She was nice deep down. Not like Pizzazz and Roxy. I always thought Rio was rather dumb not knowing that Jerrica and Jem were the same person. Heck, they SOUNDED the same. Also, he was kind of a jerk dating both of them and not telling either one about…

  • memories,  year in review

    the year of going places

    Like the Year of Doing Things I had in 2010, this year turned out to be my Year of Going Places (Quebec City, Kingston, Toronto, Ottawa, New York City). What I didn’t expect was how much I didn’t actually BLOG about GOING PLACES. I was sure I had. Sometimes updating facebook and twitter makes it feel like I updated my blog. I think for 2013 I am going to make a better effort to blog more and update FB less. I miss blogging, and I don’t actually like FB. I need to kick that habit. So… here’s my 2012 in review, point form. January (6 posts) as in 2011, I didn’t blog much that month turned 36 and had some friends over tried to cook more often, that went up and down was still trying to get over the stress of the strike & stuff in the office January   February (4 posts) still not blogging much, bad me vlogged more often started the Photo A Day challenge on Instagram hosted by Fat Mum Slim & succeeded at February! (With the second half posted on my blog in March.) Jinx Puppy turned 7 February   March (6 posts) my macbook pro died and I lost a bunch of photos. *sniff* I had a horrible plague, that the doctor said wasn’t a lung infection my husband had a birthday and I love him very much my sister & I threw our parents a surprise going away-slash-40th anniversary party at a Cabane a…

  • memories

    head space & heart ache

    I have been in a weird head space for almost a year now. Everything is so dissonant and out of joint and I can’t figure out how to fix it. Part of it is work, I have so much going on in my head about what I need to keep track of and it’s causing me to lose sleep (I was up at 4 am this morning and haven’t been able to sleep since – not even a nap). As soon as I close my eyes, the voices in my head get really, really loud reminding me what I’ve forgotten, or what I have to remember to do. There are things currently in my life that are just pounding on my brain and I can’t shut them up. All day today I have been fretting about this stupid trip to Russia that my boss is going on. The saga has been a daily part of my work life since mid-August. It’s driving me crazy!!  If I’m not worried about this, I’m worried about my class and the research paper I have to write and hand in my November 9. I was supposed to work on it all last weekend but I did nothing but panic each time I thought about it and convince myself I am just going to fail so why bother. In the middle of all this worry today I realized something even more important than travel visas, expense reports and school work… I completely missed October 22…

  • memories

    it’s time to put on make-up, it’s time to dress up right

    When I was a kid, I had two goals in life. 1) To make a record (as in a real, vinyl record) like The Monkees and The Mickey Mouse Club and 2) to be on the Muppet Show. (obviously singing the songs that would be on my record album!) I have always wanted The Muppet Show to be real. I loved the humour, the variety showyness, the guest stars (even though at the young age that I was I had no clue who most of the guest starts were. Heck, even today, as we watch the DVDs I have to look someone up!) But I loved the Muppets and The Muppet Show and I cried when they announced on the radio that Jim Henson had died. I cried a lot that morning before school. I cry when they play Rainbow Connection. I wept during the newest Muppet movie when the song came on and I knew I’d tear up if they played it at the show I’d be at. And yes… one of my dreams came true, people. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d  be a member of the audience for the Muppet Show. I had higher hopes for recording an album. The album thing never panned out, but people, I got to see the MUPPETS LIVE ON STAGE. This year marks the 30th anniversary of the Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal. This is a Big Deal and because of the Big Dealyness of it all, the…

  • memories

    seventy

    July 12, 1942 I wanted to post this on July 12, which would have been my grandparents’ 70th wedding anniversary, but I didn’t have time to sit in front of the computer and blog. Apparently when one works for a living, work tends to get in the way of non-work and after spending all day at the computer, I just don’t feel like doing the same when I get home. Alas. It hit me at the start of this month that had my grandparents still been alive, this would have marked their 70th wedding anniversary. Unfortunately my grandfather passed away right before their 67th anniversary and my grandmother 10 months later. I still think of them every single day. I still get the urge to call my Nana when we have a small lull in the afternoon at work. It always catches me short when I realize I can’t do that anymore. Three years might have come and gone between losing my grandparents but after 33 years of having them in my life, pretty much daily, it’s a hard habit to kick. My grandparents did actually get to spend 70 years together, since they dated for three years before tying the knot. Imagine. Seventy years with the same person by your side for better or for worse. Seventy years getting to spend each day in the company of your best friend. I can only wish that Shawn and I will have that, but we were older when we met, and…

  • memories

    i went to new york city

    I plan on writing about this trip eventually. Sort of a joint here and book bloggy thing. Alas, I have been so busy since I came home! (Work takes up way too much of my time.) Thought I’d post something here because I have yet to blog at all in June! Blogging failure! Stay tuned!

  • memories,  the anomaly that is me,  year in review

    that time when i do that thing where i look back at the last 12 months

    I have been going through all my December wrap up posts and have noticed a theme – I have had a lot of sucky years in a row. I used to be really good at finding the positive and having hope that there will be a bright side coming our way, but I have to say I’ve lost that ability and it makes me sad. Even through all of the negative there is always positive and that positive is more and more close to what really matters in life – the love of my husband, family and friends. All those little things that often get overlooked because you’re spending too much time fretting over the ones that don’t matter – money, objects that can be replaced, work, name brands, all that stuff. What I have learned over the last few years is that Shawn and I just get stronger together. Our love grows with each challenge tossed our way. It doesn’t shrink or vanish. What we have is real and it’s been tried and tested so many times that I’m pretty secure thinking that it won’t ever end. The one thing that had the biggest impact on me this year was the loss of Annabelly. I have had and lost dogs that I loved before, but to this day I still get moments where I am hit with such an overwhelming sense of sadness I can’t breathe. We even have two dogs in the house now, and we weren’t very…

  • memories

    still remembering – 17 years later

    erin walker :: august 6, 1977 – october 23, 1994 when i close my eyes she’s too young to be forgotten her world has only just begun her future is an empty slate waiting to be filled and i see her standing there when i close my eyes dancing in the sky over moonbeams, around clouds starlight in her eyes angels in her hair and i see her when i close my eyes child of the sunlight daughter of the day sleeping on bed of roses with flowers in her hair the wind it softly kissed her cheek the raindrops fell like tears and i see her when i close my eyes a thousand white candles their flames dancing with the air as rocks play tag with ocean she’s fast asleep never to be woken and i see her when i close my eyes © catherine healy October 23, 1994 ~~>–<@>–<~~ In 1994, I was 18. I was in my second year of CEGEP. I was finally in the same school as one of my closest friends.  It was a cold, wet, miserable October 22-23rd weekend. I remember sitting in choir practice waiting for them to arrive. It was only the day before that she and I had said “See you at choir!”. I didn’t know why they had not shown up yet. Choir practice seemed so long and dull and people were missing who were normally there. When mass started, I knew something was wrong. It was only after…

  • memories

    white lights

    When I walked back to bed from a bathroom break the other night the tiny bit of outside I could see through the slats in the blind made me think the ground was covered in snow. I forced open my right eye (which always seems to stick shut when I get up in the night) and scampered around to the other side of the bed so I could peer through the slats. Sadly, there was no snow on the ground. It was just wet and the street lights were causing a small glare. When I crawled back into bed I smiled. I was suddenly back in my bedroom in the home I grew up in in the winter. I have this thing for white lights at Christmas. I love their glow and soft comforting aura. In my childhood bedroom, I would string up white lights in my window and leave the blind up halfway so my room would be glowy and peaceful. I’d turn on Christmas music and sing away. Or, I’d just let the comforting light help me drift off to sleep. In the two apartments I had, I’d string those lights up in the living room window so that I wouldn’t need to turn on the room lights while watching TV or anything. The entire room would just feel gentle and soothing. Heck, in the Verdun apartment I had left my awesome snowflake lights up on one wall as lighting for the winter. Stupid fire made me lose…

  • memories

    remembering

    erin walker :: august 6, 1977 – october 23, 1994 when i close my eyes she’s too young to be forgotten her world has only just begun her future is an empty slate waiting to be filled and i see her standing there when i close my eyes dancing in the sky over moonbeams, around clouds starlight in her eyes angels in her hair and i see her when i close my eyes child of the sunlight daughter of the day sleeping on bed of roses with flowers in her hair the wind it softly kissed her cheek the raindrops fell like tears and i see her when i close my eyes a thousand white candles their flames dancing with the air as rocks play tag with ocean she’s fast asleep never to be woken and i see her when i close my eyes © catherine healy October 23, 1994 ~~>–<@>–<~~ In 1994, I was 18. I was in my second year of CEGEP. I was finally in the same school as one of my closest friends.  It was a cold, wet, miserable October 22-23rd weekend. I remember sitting in choir practice waiting for them to arrive. It was only the day before that she and I had said “See you at choir!”. I didn’t know why they had not shown up yet. Choir practice seemed so long and dull and people were missing who were normally there. When mass started, I knew something was wrong. It was only after…

  • life with dogs,  memories

    thankful some more

    Shawn and I just had a very low-key dinner – with all the trimmings! We made up the veggies, I put a cherry pie in the oven and a little after 5PM we drove on over to my parents’ place and the one healthy family member (my brother-in-law) brought us out our portion of the turkey, my stuffing and even half of the homemade pumpkin pie my sister made. Oh, and gravy! When we drove home the veggies were ready (yes, I turned off the oven and stove before we went out) and we just heated up the stuffing and gravy a little, Shawn mashed potatoes and turnip and I put butter on the carrots. Even with our fancy/ghetto serving dishes of glad and ziploc containers, it was still a nice meal. The best part of having everything in those containers  is how easy it is to put away after. Heh. And don’t say I don’t ever do anything nice for my dogs… Yes, Annie and Jinx each got a dollop of dinner – everything was doggy safe. No onions in my stuffing and I broke the teeny bit of turkey they got up so small to make sure there were no bones to choke on. Annie loved carrots so I gave her extra since I don’t really like them myself so our left overs would have less carrot. 😛 They seemed to enjoy it. 😉 It’s good to have a well-balanced, healthy meal once in a while. Everything was…

  • memories,  the anomaly that is me

    the original bff

    In the early 80s – and I mean early, 1980 even – I had the best friend in the world. From Kindergarten until Grade 3 we were inseparable and she was, I guess, my world at the time. We’d have sleep overs, spend recess together, explore the swamp(ish) land behind the high school together and it was fun. I remember odd things about that time, but I remember Cheryl. The summer after third grade her father was transferred to Ontario and she moved away. I was devastated and I know now from her that it was pretty traumatic to leave everything behind when you’re 9 and move to another province. We were pen pals for at least three years after she moved until just about the end of 6th grade when I guess we lost touch. I’d send a letter and get nothing back. I don’t even know if she ended up getting those last letters or not. I thought maybe they’d moved again. I never knew. Oddly the summer I lost touch with this Cheryl I gained a new pen pal and cousin Sheryl who’s mother had told her that she had a cousin who had a daughter her age. The only Cheryl I had known until the end of the 80s was the one who moved away in 1985. She came back once more the next summer and spent one night with me and one with another friend across town. The move should not have bothered me as much as…