• the anomaly that is me

    44

    Let’s see if this post makes it past the draft stage in a reasonable amount of time, shall we? Since the first of the month I have three other posts, all in draft mode, in various states of unfinished. But I want to get my birthday post up before a decade goes by. Otherwise the title of this post will be irrelevant. I suppose I am officially in my mid-forties now. I’m not sure how this happened. I mean, I know how it happened because of time passage and stuff, but I feel like I blinked between being so excited about turning 18 and then suddenly, I’m closer to being…

  • the anomaly that is me,  year in review

    the year – no – the decade that defeated me

    copyright cjh beyondelsewhere 2019

    I’m so tired. I am tired of scary health issues, injuries, sadness, bad luck. I am tired of treading water over and over every day, fighting to keep my head above that water. The water never stops pouring in. And yeah, this sounds overdramatic and tragic. But I have to tell you, it’s all I can feel. The years in this decade have just piled on more, and more crap. This last year wasn’t much better than the one before, or the one before that. It never ends. I used to be a hopeful, and optimistic person. I had this naive hopeful outlook for the future. Bad things happen, but…

  • memories,  the anomaly that is me

    about last september

    It’s a year today that my father passed away. I never did write about any of this, and I kept meaning to. But I still have thank you cards to send out to those who came to the funeral, or sent sympathy, and honestly? I haven’t been able to do any of that. We’ve had our full Year of Firsts. First Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first birthday, first wedding anniversary, first father’s day. First of a lot of things. Sometimes I catch myself holding in a breath and thinking, “oh my god, my dad’s gone”. It hits at weird times. I don’t remember much about last September. I pretty much lost…

  • the anomaly that is me

    still here

    I keep thinking I should write something here, and then I get distracted. I don’t have my laptop open much when I am home. I have been spending my days reading, crafting, or watching netflix. I am on the computer all day at work and well, I am simply computered out when I get home. I miss my blog though. I feel guilty about not updating. I mostly post photos on instagram and that’s about the most social media-ish I get. IG auto posts to fb and I’m not on any other platform anymore. Social media is too negative and annoying. But here I am. Just completed one full year…

  • the anomaly that is me

    loss & lost

    there are a multitudeof words and emotionscrashing around inside my headand heart none want to escape theirdark, swirly, hideawaysand find themselves on paperor screen. these days I see nothing butmemoriesof who lived within each boxof 28, 30, or 31 daysI know it’s just a matter of perceptiona glass half empty / half fullsort of filter when I look at the calendarbut right now, all I see are empty spaceswhere family, friends, pets, and loved onesused to be this date used to celebrate that personthat date used to celebrate this personempty boxes that represent empty spacesin my heart, and in the world. and six years ago today, when my life changedfor…