the first six decades of 2020
Face it. We’ve likely all aged about 60 years since January 1st. I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to be counting each month as a decade right now. So here I am, on the final day of June 2070, writing things down so I can look back on this time and remember… wait. Do I even want to remember any of this? I knew change was coming in the near future, I simply wasn’t expecting it to all happen at the same time. We have history books dedicated to entire centuries, but 2020 is going to end up as some sort of Time Life Encyclopedia Set of history books. Maybe the rest of the 20s will be quiet and uneventful. Man, I hope so. Like many people right now, I find myself torn between needing to stay informed, and needing to unplug and back away from all the heavy, negative news out there. I’m not shying away from what really matters, but it’s so overwhelming that my already anxious, and sensitive system isn’t digesting things well. There’s just so much wrong with the world at the moment. The world is breaking apart, to be reborn a-new. The cracks that have been forming through the years have suddenly fallen apart and the lava underneath it all has found its way to the surface. And besides all the worldly upheaval, my own personal battles are still waging. Everything builds and builds and weighs me down. I’m overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, sad, angry, restless, and…
thoughts, conflicted
You know what I have wanted since I was a teenager? To move out of my Province and to another one. And it’s taken decades for this to become a reality, and it’s a precarious situation that I am still paranoid will fall apart. But here we are. Two weeks from our moving date, and two days from heading to the new house to await deliveries and internet set up. Yet… When we decided at the end of summer last year, that after a ton of crappy stuff was going on, that this was actually the best opportunity to make the change in our lives we have talked about for years… well, we weren’t expecting it to go like this. The house took longer than we’d hope to sell. But it sold. Yay! And it sold before the world turned upside down because of the current pandemic situation. But now, a move to another province, when everything is in lock down is just scary. And frustrating. And making me feel guilty for originally being excited that we are moving to Ontario, and that I’ll be closer to my mother! I can’t even see my Mum right now. Who knows when that will be allowed again. And we close on the house at the end of this month, but we’ve rented a place (for a year. Yet another thing that was not planned.) and we’ve got movers booked for mid-month. And I am so scared we will get a call that…
stronger roots
Fourteen years ago today, our apartment was on fire. Seven years ago today a man jumped off a building and landed at my feet. On Monday it will be thirteen years since we picked up the keys to this, our first (bought) home. As of Wednesday we officially have an Ontario address, and by the end of April our first home will be passed over to its new owners, and over the course of the month, we’ll be moving slightly West to our new (temporary) home. That’s a lot, huh? And yeah, I focus on numbers way too much. Or maybe not enough. And I won’t lie, because I focus so intently on those numbers, I have been dreading today more than I have dreaded this date in a while. If it was exactly seven years between two major life suckage events, what would this year, another seven years passed, have in store? But today has been sunshine, and warmer weather, and I am home. I had 100% hoped to have been living in my new town, in my new place by March 2020, but life didn’t work out that way. And right now, the world is a freaking scary place. Not just for me. But I am far away from tall buildings. I am comforted by my husband, my dogs, and even yes, the cat. My Mum checked in on me. I have been sent love virtually that is just so appreciated that it’s almost physical to touch. (But…
different struggles for different muggles
These are sort of crazy times right now, amirite? But for me (well, us), they are pretty normal. Having been off work for a few months, and also being socially anxious and introverted, staying home every day is the dream. The total dream. The hard part, for us, is LEAVING the house to DO things. We aren’t fans. The more I stay home, the more difficult I find it to force myself to leave the house. We do groceries online (not right now though because I don’t want my food to arrive two weeks from when I need it), we order take-out online, we do whatever we can online to avoid phone calls, or people. I love being home “doing nothing”. I fill my days with naps, reading, naps, art, naps…etc. And right now, we also add in packing so we can move. (Which is scheduled in April, so timing is just WONDERFUL.) When I am not working my health improves. My chronic migraines and other pain, go away. My stomach issues go away. My exhaustion goes away. But I do get anxious when I need to leave the house for any reason. And then without the work income, the mental health stress is worse. Because you need to pay your bills, right? Winning the lottery hasn’t worked out for me yet. But by golly, if that ever happens we will become full-time recluses. For real. The only outside I’d encounter would be on my own property so I can…
44
Let’s see if this post makes it past the draft stage in a reasonable amount of time, shall we? Since the first of the month I have three other posts, all in draft mode, in various states of unfinished. But I want to get my birthday post up before a decade goes by. Otherwise the title of this post will be irrelevant. I suppose I am officially in my mid-forties now. I’m not sure how this happened. I mean, I know how it happened because of time passage and stuff, but I feel like I blinked between being so excited about turning 18 and then suddenly, I’m closer to being a senior citizen than a teenager. Am I alone in thinking this feels weird? It feels weird. Since I am such a weather nerd when it comes to my birthday, I shall document that this was one of the milder birthdays I have had in years. As I get older the less I like winter, so I am perfectly fine with nature giving me some spring hope on my birthday. I realize this is also not a good thing, but I am going to focus on good things right now, because way too much isn’t good. I suppose I don’t really have much more to say about this birthday. If the last couple of years have taught me anything, it’s that no matter what my expectations are the unexpected always waiting around the corner. I am a little nervous to…
the year – no – the decade that defeated me
I’m so tired. I am tired of scary health issues, injuries, sadness, bad luck. I am tired of treading water over and over every day, fighting to keep my head above that water. The water never stops pouring in. And yeah, this sounds overdramatic and tragic. But I have to tell you, it’s all I can feel. The years in this decade have just piled on more, and more crap. This last year wasn’t much better than the one before, or the one before that. It never ends. I used to be a hopeful, and optimistic person. I had this naive hopeful outlook for the future. Bad things happen, but the skies would be blue soon enough. Only the past few years have beaten that out of me. All I see is grey clouds, and gloomy skies. There’s rarely a break in-between the gloom and I am exhausted by the weight of the gloom. This year was filled with more serious health scares, injuries (I somehow dislocated a rib in September, and right before Christmas I fell down my stairs and seem to have cracked my tailbone), job loss, job departures. We decided to put the house up for sale at the end of summer. Our plan is to move from here to Ontario. I want to be out of this Province, and closer to my mother. The house hasn’t sold yet, and I am panicking a little about that. We are both between jobs at the moment, and applications…
about last september
It’s a year today that my father passed away. I never did write about any of this, and I kept meaning to. But I still have thank you cards to send out to those who came to the funeral, or sent sympathy, and honestly? I haven’t been able to do any of that. We’ve had our full Year of Firsts. First Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first birthday, first wedding anniversary, first father’s day. First of a lot of things. Sometimes I catch myself holding in a breath and thinking, “oh my god, my dad’s gone”. It hits at weird times. I don’t remember much about last September. I pretty much lost 2 weeks of work in a job I was just learning. The week I spent with my mother (after my father – in true Impatient Healy Fashion – passed away the morning after he spoke with everyone he needed to speak with, rather than sticking around for the few weeks/months the doctors thought he had) went by in a blur. I was so thankful that I was there, speaking with my Mum, when my father passed. I was so thankful that I could stay with her that week and (try to) get things done. I am so thankful for family, and friends, who were there for me through everything. The last year has been a roller coaster for many reasons. I get motion sick so easily, that it’s been difficult to process. When things change drastically, they seem to all…
still here
I keep thinking I should write something here, and then I get distracted. I don’t have my laptop open much when I am home. I have been spending my days reading, crafting, or watching netflix. I am on the computer all day at work and well, I am simply computered out when I get home. I miss my blog though. I feel guilty about not updating. I mostly post photos on instagram and that’s about the most social media-ish I get. IG auto posts to fb and I’m not on any other platform anymore. Social media is too negative and annoying. But here I am. Just completed one full year back at the university in the new job, and it’s a weird thing to think about. Though this time last year I was sure I’d never remember all the stuff I was learning, and this time around I was doing stuff without my notes! So woo! And I feel rather proud of all I have learned. Who knows what happens next. Every day becomes an adventure.
loss & lost
there are a multitudeof words and emotionscrashing around inside my headand heart none want to escape theirdark, swirly, hideawaysand find themselves on paperor screen. these days I see nothing butmemoriesof who lived within each boxof 28, 30, or 31 daysI know it’s just a matter of perceptiona glass half empty / half fullsort of filter when I look at the calendarbut right now, all I see are empty spaceswhere family, friends, pets, and loved onesused to be this date used to celebrate that personthat date used to celebrate this personempty boxes that represent empty spacesin my heart, and in the world. and six years ago today, when my life changedfor better or for worse(who knows)perceptions changed, priorities changed.but I’m still not sure howor what I want to change I have been wandering, lost.through a maze of possibilitiesuncertainty trailing behind me like a shadowwhat I thought I needed, wasn’t what I neededwhat I thought was the right path, turned out to be a dead endand somehow, I am back at the startall over againor, maybe not.maybe it’s a new direction, from the same entrance, but with differentpossibilities and goals to achievemaybe it’s not the same start, but a new one Still.I look at those empty boxes on the calendarand all I see is lossa birthday that is now a memorya deathday that reminds me, yet again, of the empty spaceeach loved one, human or animal,now has two empty boxes within 365 dayssometimes moreand I have lost so much time myselfbecause of…
national poetry writing month (napowrimo)
you might think a poem is an easy thing just some words on different lines word after word after word some of them rhyme some of the time sometimes ……….there ……………are ……………….long …………………..pauses between them ortheycanbereadallinonebreath a poem is painted thoughts illustrated with letters it can be cryptic; hidden messages about the one that got away who still haunts your heart, or at least your dreams it can be literal, or mean nothing at all but words on paper can heal, ignite, or wound releasing the words from inside your head can be the difference between sleep and worry a poem can be a lot of things easy or hard the choice is yours © cjh april 7, 2018
lots of things, and nothing at all
I really don’t want to schedule myself time to blog because I know that as soon as I set a schedule I’ll never follow it. I am great with schedules and deadlines when it comes to work, but when it comes to my own personal stuff it’s the easiest way for me to ignore what I am supposed to be doing completely. For a person who doesn’t think herself spontaneous I much prefer to be spontaneous about things like creativity. I like to do things when I feel inspired to do them. If I set up time for me to create…nothing happens. I realized the decline of my blog is due to the ease of which I can post small snippets of life, with a photo, through instagram. It’s easier than logging into my blog dashboard, editing a photo in another program, and then using a third program to upload said photo, and then writing about it all here. I know I can add photos directly through wordpress, but then they aren’t saved in my extremely well-organized files on my server. I also happen to really love the filters I can use on IG, even if my love of IG has been slowly fizzling out since facebook bought them and ruined the platform. (I JUST WANT MY INFORMATION IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, FACEBOOK. *shakes fist in consternation*) I could always blog here without photos, but that’s boring. (to me) Besides I’m way more of a visual person and like to include…
42
Today I am 42. This is the answer to the meaning of life, right? I should understand, and know, everything now? *waits* No, seriously. *waits some more* Is this, like, something that takes a little bit to boot up? I can wait. By tomorrow it’ll be installed right? This meaning of life knowledge that comes with 42? Kurt Vonnegut wouldn’t have just made this sort of thing up, would he? I mean, I don’t know him or anything, but he reads like a really honest guy. @—@—@ So today wasn’t 40-below zero. In fact we had ourselves a lovely ice storm. Thankfully I had asked Shawn to take today off from work to spend with me. The downside was that we were outside within minutes of waking up, hacking about 2 inches of ice off the car, and steps, and backyard so the dogs could get out. We also missed the movie we were going to see, that I had even bought tickets for on my movie app, because freezing rain just didn’t stop. Plus side there, it was cheapy tuesday so we only lost $12 off of a gift card. @—@—@ Because it’s my birthday, and I saw a few people post this on FB this month, I’m going to answer some questions! 1. Favorite smell – Lavender. Or patchouli. 2. Last time I cried – last Wednesday, after being sick at work (ugh) 3. Favorite pizza – not really a pizza gal, but I do like being…
temperature fascination
As long as I can remember, I have always associated the weather on my birthday with -20-something degrees celcius. I remember frigid walks from home to the bowling alley (or back from) in my teens. We always say stuff like, “Oh, it’s just Cat’s birthday with 40-below temperatures!” Every time I see a forecast with an above-zero temperature for the 23rd of January, think how odd that is. How abnormal that is. It’s not Birthday Weather with cold so biting that the hairs inside your nose freeze together when you try to breathe! And yet… I looked up historical weather information for my birthday and see that my frozen birthday memories are… false? They are predicting a high of 6°C , no precipitation, this year. I feel very weird when the temperature is above zero on my birthday. I always thought the warmest birthday I ever experienced was in 2009 when I went to Disney World. But I was wrong, I suppose. I do believe that was the only time I was able to be coatless & bootless on my birthday though. My birthday is a week away however, so the actual temperatures and weather are subject to change one billionty times between now and then. You can be certain that I will note it down on that day of course. And because I love to nerd-out over the weather (temperature) records for my birthday, here’s my list! As you can see, there are few -20+°C days on here. Perhaps…
through the thorns, to the stars
There’s not a whole lot in 2017 that I feel I need to look back upon. I’m not the only one who felt it was kind of a bummer of a year, but… 2017 was an interesting year for me. It was a year I needed. To reset myself. The first year in a long time that I didn’t work in an office, instead I went back into retail. I needed that reset in my life, but I’m ready to move on again. I feel more centred, confident, less willing to take crap, and ready to tackle new challenges. 2017 didn’t end on a high note. All things considered it could have been worse. It wasn’t. I am thankful. I made decisions this past year that made things better for me. I distanced myself from many things that were drowning me in negativity. I am on social media a lot less than I was. I barely even check twitter. I understand that people have strong opinions about things, especially political, but I chose to block a lot of that out. The world is becoming a little too toxic. You may choose to crusade one way, but I choose a different path. I spent more time in my craft room this year than I have in the past. Part of this was because I had more time to do so. Part of it was because the crafting helped me in many ways. I am not hopeful, or rather, full of hope, going…
twenty
Twenty years ago today, the girl whose parents were certain they would have to sell with the house, moved out, and into her first apartment with her girlfriend. Twenty years ago. My parents sold that house almost 5 years ago. I didn’t go with it. In fact, I’ve never moved back home since I moved out. (Ok, there was one week during a rough relationship patch that I went home for a “visit”. But that doesn’t count. That first apartment was huge. It wasn’t in the best part of town. It was actually a slum of an apartment with cockroaches, and an evil landlord. It had questionable tenants, one of whom tried to burn it down when he was evicted. That prompted a move to a new apartment less than a year into this first one. A place we felt safer. A place I lived in for 6 years. A place that had a possessed bathroom that always had a flood. But my life changed, and grew, in those years. Relationships fell apart, and new ones were created. Six years later I moved into a place with Shawn. We were robbed. We got married. Our place burned down. We lived for a year in my in-laws’s basement. We bought a house. We had two dogs. We still own this house, but now have two different dogs. In this home we own, we have had downs and ups. We have grieved. We have laughed. We have grown together as a couple.…
