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well, that didn’t work…

I have been feeling wonderful lately. Wonderful as in zero pain, totally limber and like my body is a normal body that can function on its own. This has been pretty exciting to me. I chalked it up to the exercise I have been doing every day and the aqua fit I will eventually get back to when I’m actually at the office on a Monday and Wednesday…

So on Sunday night, feeling like I could leap tall building in a single bound, I thought, “Why not try to decrease my 20mg dose of Elavil to 10mg? Maybe I don’t need it anymore because I am exercising regularly and losing weight and I feel BRAND NEW!”

Turns out that this isn’t a viable option just yet.

I felt stiff yesterday evening but  I was chalking that up to having increased my push-ups to 15 a day and my body getting used to it. But by midnight last night, I woke up with my body on FIRE and the pain was so sharp that I had been having nightmares about being in pain.

Fun times.

So I got up and took that second pill and came back to bed. My body is aching today, sort of like when you have the flu or if you’ve just fallen down some stairs and you feel bruised everywhere.

I’m sort of disappointed I need to still take my tiny amount of medication every night and how quickly my inflammation flares up without it. Sigh. I guess I’m not quite ready yet. Although it might take a week or two of pain without the pills for my body to adjust. I just don’t have the time/patience to test that out right now. I’ll be back at work tomorrow (have been home due to repairs/renovations) and I know I can’t function in the office when I get into these flare ups.

So I will continue to exercise and strengthen my muscles and lose weight and try again in the summer if I am still feeling 100% like I was.

Fibromyalgia is a strange beast and I don’t want to have to feed her pills, I have been managing it almost completely with the food, exercise and other changes I have made. I was feeling NORMAL for the first time in a long time. I want it to be like that without pills, as minimal as they are.

I am also trying to research a natural alternative to my taking Prevacid every morning. I have horrible acid reflux and I think that my pain started around the time I started taking this other medication regularly. I can’t go 24 hours without one in the morning or I throw up fire. Bleh. I just know that taking this long-term does crazy things to stomach acid that you actually NEED. But this is another medication I can’t experiment with while at work because it’s almost crippling without taking it. So… what do to? I am down to only taking these two medications (with the occasional Advil for headaches or a migraine med when it’s really bad). I’d like to me medication free if I can. It’s a goal.

Meanwhile, I will attempt to get through my push-ups today, but I don’t know how well that will go due to my skin hurting to the touch. I WILL prevail though. Just need to wait for the workman to leave my basement. ūüėČ

Mealplan Out the Window

Alas, only the second day of my meal plan and rather than having whatever it was I had thought I’d have, I had a toast with cheese sandwich.

I am not terribly disappointed, though I am slightly. Last ¬†night’s migraine, which interrupted my delicious meal of Sweet & Sour Chicken did not go away for most of today and I was queasy and not hungry at all.

Oddly, the snacking I did (almost all healthy) added up to more calories than when I am sticking to regular meals. Ok, so maybe the three cookies I had today when I needed something with sugar are to blame, but mostly I had two granola bars (not high calorie), a banana, apple and two individually wrapped cheddar cheese pieces.

Add the whole wheat toast with kraft singles (they aren’t great, I know, but still. I am queasy!) and the orange juice.

No dog walking tonight as I will be heading to bed soon to try and sleep off the end of this stupid migraine. I hate hormones and how they suspend my life. Ugh.

Today’s lunch (leftovers from last night) are in the fridge at work, so I know I’ll have lunch tomorrow! I will make sure to have my breakfast (assuming queasiness leaves) before work and then hopefully get back into the routine tomorrow!

I am not counting this as a failure. But I’d like to be able to stick to my plans as much as possible. After all, I did buy all of those¬†ingredients!

i’d like to return this gift, please

Ah, Christmas time. The time when people exchange tokens of their appreciate in object form. However the one gift I that I didn’t particularly want, or need was this stupid cold plague. I woke up with it on Monday morning, felt a little better by dinner time but then spent the night wide awake as I couldn’t breathe through my nose.

I’m on day 4 of this bloody plague and I feel like it’s never going away. Tuesday I even had a fever, which made me extra cranky because I was supposed to have my friend Jill over for a couple of days. We only get to visit once a year and the germs were just too strong for me to even fathom having her come over. Originally we postponed it by a day, but when Shawn woke up at 5am on Wednesday with a sore throat and blocked nose, I knew it wasn’t going to happen.

I don’t give the plague for Christmas. It’s not in my nature.

There was no way I would infect Jill before she had to fly back home to California.

So my Jillmas celebration was postponed. Sadness.

As much as I hate having a cold (who doesn’t really?) I am sort of happy that I got this sick on my week off. I didn’t have any plans other than seeing Jill so I can pretty much spend the week moping on the couch with tissues all around me. I’d much rather be sick now than when I go back to work next Tuesday (I don’t want to go back to work next Tuesday!!). After all, we only just got back from being on strike, I’d feel all guilty about calling in sick. This week I don’t even have to think about work at all. So I can just focus on getting better.

Though, day 4 of the blocked nose has me convinced that I’m never getting better. I hate not being able to breathe through my nose! Argh!

So far there is no cough involved in this plague, so I guess it’s not a true plague. I am hoping the cough will stay away, though I might have just jinxed myself here. My chest is tight and sore when I breathe though, I’d like that clear up soon. Blech.

I don’t know who gave me this lovely¬†gift but I’m going to be rude and let you know that I would like to return it. Not re-gift it even. I just want the money for it. Heck, at this point, I won’t even ask for the money, just take it back!

That being said, I’m not complaining about being sick on my week off. I’m honestly relieved that I am sick this week. I made it through work and Christmas without any problems and I hope to be all healthy for work next week. (Did I mention I don’t want to go back to work? – oo, I should check my lotto ticket from last Wednesday!)

Have to say, this is the worst cold I’ve had in a long time, too. The other times I thought I had colds, they mostly lasted one day and vanished. I think everyone needs one good cold a year. It keeps us on our toes (and keeps the tissue companies in business!) I have been taking Buckley’s Complete liquigels and they work like magic, but without the awful taste! Yay!

Hope the rest of you are healthier than we are here in the House of Plague. ūüėČ

I shall go back to working on my 2011 in review post now which should be up Saturday at some point.

fickle fibro

Random tangent before I get into what I was going to write about: The word “fickle” always makes me giggle. Why? It all started when I was a teen and my mother, sister and I were at my grandparents’ place. We were going through old photos, I think. My grandmother ¬†was talking about all the different boys my mother had dated as a teen. (I say “all” because to me, as a dateless teen, it seemed like a lot, but I think it was something like three, to be honest.) I can’t recall all the conversation but I do remember learning about the word “fickle” that day. I think I asked something like “wow, why did you have so many boyfriends?” and my mother replied “I guess I was fickle” (or something like that) I said, “What does that mean? Easy?”

HA! Oh, little teenage me and your innocence & sass, you still crack me up.

To this day the word fickle is a joke in our family. Heh. Sorry, but that popped into my head as I started this post.

So now onto the real reason I wanted to blog today. Just consider that up there the 30 second ad spot before a video you might watch online.

My medical leave comes to an end this weekend. As of Monday I’ll be back out on the ever exciting picket line and praying that the stress of the physical activity doesn’t cause another flare up of pain. I think I should be mostly ok because I am nowhere near as bad as I was BEFORE the strike started. I think the picketing just broke my ability to tolerate the severe pain I was in all summer. I’m feeling about 90% back to normal now and this makes me happy. I was pretty sure that my med leave would be over before the strike ended, though many thought we’d be back to work by now. I’ve realized that¬†optimism¬†just delivers nothing but¬†disappointment, so I have stopped that fruitless endeavour. The people who run the university right now are not about to be kind to those of us who can hardly make ends meet with our tiny¬†salaries. They claim there’s too much economical strife right now to give us a salary increase, yet they make over $400K(PLUS) a year themselves, so I guess the strife is that they’d like to keep their cushy salaries and 3-5% increases a year.

Again, not my reason for blogging. Sorry.

FIBROMYALGIA! That’s why I’m writing! I wasn’t sure that the pain would ever get better, I’ll be honest. By the start of November when I thought I was feeling better and then the regression until about under two weeks ago, I was convinced that I’d be in so much pain I felt nauseous and be useless the rest of my life. Thankfully, it’s better. In the first month my Rheumatologist had me try Lyrica. I hated it. I got lost two blocks from my house while driving one day while on 50mg and that was it. I told my doctor I wasn’t taking this anymore. He said I had to do something and referred me to a pain clinic. I spent much of November waiting for the clinic to call me for an appointment. Imagine my surprise when the Rheumatologist office called me last Wednesday and said “we’re starting a new clinic here and we’ll get you in Friday morning. Otherwise it’s an 8 month wait.” Since I was feeling better I wouldn’t have minded the wait, but I appreciated my doctor’s insistence that I get my foot (body?) in the door.

I met with the nicest little British woman who also happens to be a Rheumatologist AND is currently studying¬†fibro. I got to fill out questionnaires and give my consent to be part of a study. THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY! I might be switching from my current nice doctor to her (if he’s ok with it, I know I am). I would LOVE to be followed by someone who’s actually studying this syndrome to find out more about it. She agreed with me that I don’t have to take more meds, but there’s one she’s putting as a back up if things get bad again. She also agreed with me that hormones seem to play a part in the ailment (to which my current specialist said “I don’t deal in hormones”). We looked up my most recent blood panel and like always, everything is fine except my inflammation one (CRC?) is off the charts. For no reason. She called me an anomaly. HA! Oh, Dr. Nice Lady, if only you knew how much medical mysteries and I go hand in hand. She’ll learn though. ūüėČ

So stress and anxiety are likely the cause of my most recent flareup. Which, ok, I get. But WHY?! WHY is my body reacting this way all of a sudden (by sudden I mean since 2008) when it never did before? WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? I explained to her that part of what makes this worse for me is not knowing WHY and HOW it started. It’s not like I have had this reaction to stress since I was a kid. That used to be all digestive related. Now that the digestive thing is pretty much taken care of (Thank you, BodyTalk) why are my tendons getting involved? Ugh. Why is it always something?

Even if I feel all stress-free and un-anxious, I guess my body is just absorbing it all and then attacking me. Why is it if I think I am handling something well I’ll deal with fallout afterwards. Why am I lying to myself? If I think “oh, this isn’t so bad” and then have a flareup a month or so later – WHY? I’m not denying things, I’ve been so proud of the way I have handled so much crap over the last few years. I am not breaking down. I am not having panic attacks. I am not feeling like the world is coming to and end and I need to end my life. I am just rolling with it! I am handling it without overreacting and I have been so proud of myself for doing that. And yet, it seems to be all an act I guess because my body is still reacting.

That being said I have absolutely no idea why something stressful could cause all of my tendons to swell and become inflamed. IT MAKES NO SENSE!

Ugh. I am so sick of this. I am also sick of how fickle (heh) this ailment is. One day I’ll be on the top of the world and have no aches, pains or fatigue. The next day I drop almost unconscious for 3 hours after a 30 minute grocery excursion. Or the day after I can’t get out of bed because my body has seized up and is so stiff I feel paralyzed. This is a stupid, stupid, frustrating illness that can’t just be “all in my head” as so many people claim. I have been through serious, clinical depression before. I never hurt physically. This is just STUPID.

I suppose I am now hyperaware of my body’s reactions to things. I have been keeping track of symptoms pretty much daily. I don’t want to live in constant fear that tomorrow will dawn with pain so strong that I want to throw up. How am I supposed to figure out what triggers this? There is stress everywhere and I can’t just not do things. I admit having the last 2 months off without having to worry about work (though I did worry about money) and just get to relax and go about my day at my own pace, truly did help. It was a sort of mental and physical rest that I guess I needed. Even when I have taken vacation I have checked in at work. This time I couldn’t since we’re all locked out. It was a nice break from always worrying about what’s going on at work.

We’ve likely got at least another month on the picket line before anything helpful happens in regards to the strike. I don’t see us being back at work before January and with the way things have stalled, that January dream would be a miracle. I have no idea how my body will react to the picketing this time around. I’m not as stressed and not in nearly as much pain as I was prior to September 1st, so I am hoping that it will just be regular physical activity reactions to this. I don’t want to be off on leave again (though I would like to not have to work for a living at all. THAT might actually help with the stress factor. heh. Come on winning lottery numbers tonight!). Being home, alone, is not the best thing for my mental health.

I’m just tired of not knowing how my body will feel every time I wake up. It’s unsettling.

november starts off spiraling

At least in my head it does… the vertigo feeling started about 7:30 this morning. Made me feel very happy to already be on med leave. I am curious if this is the start of a whopper of a migraine (which tends to happen within 24 hours of any vertigo I get now) or just because my head is totally stuffed and I got up to take a benedryl at about 5am.

Either way, I do not like it. It has made for a very difficult and¬†unpleasant¬†de-halloweening of my blog. In fact, I seem to have accidentally saved over my regular book blog header image and now it’s too small! I don’t have the ability to edit that too much right now since I am¬†spinning¬†as I write this.

Ah, well.

Must work on the blog themes when I am feeling better. Time to change the title fonts and whatnot. Just not right now.

I can’t believe it’s November already! It’s still so bright, orange and October-y outside my window. I am sure the rain and gloom will show up soon enough. I shall celebrate today’s nice weather by opening my window a crack. Maybe the fresh air will help with the dizzy. @_o