i'm darkness and light, bubbles and faerie wings. i am sparkles and glitter, shadows and clouds. i love purple, and faeries, and books, and music.

Ramblings by Category

Ramblings by Year

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in my head

Sometimes you go round and round and round and round
spinning over and over in your head

but, why?
but, why?
but, why?

and it’s a slippery slope from one step to another to

but why…me?
        why me?

because there are no reasons for randomness. there’s no rhyme to spontanieous events.
unless it was your own decision to make a stupid mistake (and oh, how I’ve made some)
then you’re stuck suffering the consequence.

don’t get sucked into the why-me-trap
so they say
you’ll never find answers to questions without them
but over and over
that’s all you can hear
over and over
it feeds the fear

you can be safe. you can be kind. you can be thoughtful. you can be good.
but between one heartbeat and the next
everything you know can be undone

but why me? you’ll never know
but why me? don’t dwell on that now
but why me? that’s all I hear

funny how one single moment in time
can change you

who am I now?

but why
but why
but why

My Traditional Ode to Valentine’s Day

He Shoots Again

cupid’s arrow has done it again
just like a bull’s eye
it struck my heart
and made me love
he made me love
someone i can never have

oh, cupid is playing darts
with his bow and arrow
and my heart is the board
he shoots and he shoots some more
until my heart is sore
and he shoots again

i hear the laughter again
to him it’s just a game
there’s pleasure in my pain
and he made me love
he made me love
someone i’ll never have

without your help i can do just fine
please leave the choice up to me
look at all the pain you’ve caused
in all of history,
romeo and juliet, adam and eve
would have been just fine without you
why don’t you just leave?

and he shoots again
and he shoots again

he’s drunk on love’s passion
he’s crazy for love
he needs it, he wants it
he’ll take it ’til you’re sore
he’s just got to, got to
got to have more

and he shoots again

oh, cupid is playing darts
with his bow and arrow
and my heart is the board
he shoots and he shoots some more
until my heart is sore
and he shoots again

© cjh
february 4, 1993

Yep I  am totally flaking out and posting my Ode to Valentine’s Day here  (as I normally do) as my “look! I blogged this month!” thing. I can’t find time for anything these days. Work has been extra crazy because of people being absent (not ME this time!). I am behind in my school work – and it’s only a 6-week course! And I just can’t find time to put words on paper (metaphorical paper OR real paper) right now. 

But tomorrow is apparently Valentine’s Day and for some reason that makes me happy. Not celebrating it or anything. We never do. But this year I find I am not as disgusted by hearts and pink and red, and more hearts than I normally am. And a little search through my blog so I could copy/paste my song made me realize I hadn’t posted this in the last two years… oh, boy. THREE years! It’s not 2015 this year. I get why I didn’t do it in 2014 & 2o15, but I imagine I just forgot in 2013. How sad. I like my little 23-year old song.

One day (year) I will remember to record this with music and upload it so you will know how it goes. I just need to figure out this newfangled technology called Garage Band on my laptop. heh

Meanwhile, happy non-celebrational valentine’s day. Love the one you’re with every day of the year, and don’t make card companies richer. 😛

i’m not ready yet

It was cold and grey
the day
the sky came crashing down
without warning
the sky is falling
And I will never forget that sound
And you came running
And everyone was running
And I waited for screams that
never came

Is it the end of the world?
Is this the end of the world?
Cause if this is the end of the world,

              I’m not ready yet

Through chilled air there were sirens
muted by silence; muffled by fear
And I stood frozen in time
your hand was in mine
Disbelieving everything

Is it the end of the world?
Is this the end of the world?
Cause if this is the end of the world,

              I’m not ready yet

Through all the chaos
and everything we have lost
like dominos it all fell
one by one
It pulled the trigger, making the worst get bigger
and we’ve fallen in the rabbit hole
down and down
But we will climb back up with time

Now a year has past
since the sky fell
We’re rebuilding our walls
and our foundations
Because it all was shattered
it’s slow piecing it back together
And if it’s the end of world
I don’t want to know

              I’m not ready yet

© cjh
november 2, 2014



I am not fast
I often trail behind
I go at my own pace
And I take breaks

I no longer feel the need to keep up with others
Sometimes I fall back into the insecurity
Of thinking I’m too slow, or not as good as the person next to me
But then I remember that I can only do what I can
And my own personal victories are rewarding

It might not seem like I am accomplishing much
But I know I am
I know when to push
And when to pull back
I know my body
And listen to what it needs

I won’t get there in record breaking time
But I’m not trying to
I’m not the most coordinated
I’m not the fastest, strongest, or best

So what if I can’t lift as much as the person beside me
So what if I can’t run as fast as the person in ahead of me
So what if I progress slower than the rest
I’m still making progress

I am not perfect
But I get out there
And I give it all I can
I take the time to do things right
And not rush through to finish first, or fastest

As I build endurance
I build confidence
Confidence to go at my own pace
Confidence to accomplish my own goals
Confidence to stop when I need to stop
And go when I need to go

I might lag behind, but I will get there
And when I do, I’ll be happy about the journey
And even happier to have reached my destination
Because I did it all on my own