i'm darkness and light, bubbles and faerie wings. i am sparkles and glitter, shadows and clouds. i love purple, and faeries, and books, and music.

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diary of a non-jogger: chasing away the fears and shadows in which our demons hide

run23march

I took last week off from work. Since I was a bouncing ball of nerves and anxiety, and since the streets were clear, and the days were somewhat mild, I knew exactly what I needed – and wanted – to do.

Run.

I haven’t been out on a run in forever. If I look back at my blog, it was 2 years ago April. Sure, I’ve run a couple of times at the end of a personal training session, but nothing on my own. By myself. For me. And I am ready to get back into it.

Something I learned in the past few years of trying to become a jogger? I miss running when I am NOT running.

Who knew? Certainly not I, said the Cat.

run25march

And it’s hard. And tough. And I am so crazy out of shape. I didn’t work out much at all in the last year because of health issues. My body needs to be retrained, but thankfully the muscle memory is strong and I am seeing results faster than I have before. My body just needed me to be back in the right state of mind.

One of the days I went out was wet, slushy snow, damp, and COLD. And yet, I ran. I’d have run more that day if my pants had not been falling off each time I did a running portion. Mental note: Only run with the draw-string leggings from now on because your body is changing shape again and your pants fall off.

I have a new training program to try through Runkeeper, and so far I kind of like it. It’s alternating between running and walking, in short bursts for the super beginner. And although it’s not easy peasy, it’s easy enough that I feel like I have accomplished something at the end of it. I’m only going out for short 12-15 minute jaunts right now. I’m trying my best to go twice a week (though I have not yet been out this week).

I miss it. I don’t want to be a non-jogger anymore. I want to jog and feel good about it. And sometimes I have too much going on in my head, and my body hums (LOUDLY) with nervous energy, and all the negative thoughts and feelings threaten to explode. So I run. I run from all of it. I walk to catch my breath, and I run some more. And generally when I am done, and I collapse onto the couch when I am home, I feel quieter and safer.

I have no goals this time around. Sure, I’d love to be able to run a full 5K, but right now I want to run for other reasons. Because I need to. I am not aiming for time or distance or endurance. I know those will all eventually fall into place if I keep at this.

I’m running from my demons. They keep me on my toes.

 

*the title of this post is a lyric from a song I wrote lifetimes ago. It popped into my head all last weekend.

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