i'm darkness and light, bubbles and faerie wings. i am sparkles and glitter, shadows and clouds. i love purple, and faeries, and books, and music.

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noises in my head

I have spent the last two days playing with graphics and switching up my blogs from their winter duds to their spring-time ones. I have spent the last two days doing absolutely nothing that I need to be doing. Not a thing. I didn’t even really write blog posts that I need to write. I’m behind in updating the book blog, but I haven’t really been reading much anyhow. Still, I have four posts to write and I should do that. But I just have absolutely no desire to do anything these days.

I have so much going on at work that I need to get done. So much school work. Everything keeps going over and over and over in my head and it’s been so loud that I can’t sleep and can’t focus on anything. As soon as I start one thing, chatter about all the other things I need to do starts up until it’s so loud I can’t see straight. So I just check out mentally.

I always know when I’m in a state because I can’t stand my hair. I have to change it and change it until finally, I find myself standing in the bathroom at midnight, having gotten out of bed because I couldn’t sleep due to the noise in my head, and chop it all off. I had wanted to wait until towards the end of April or until I’d actually lost more weight before cutting it, but I needed to do something. For some reason cutting my hair helps. Who knows.

Short in the back and longer in the front. It’s like a reverse mullet. My party is always in the front, yo.

I put the last of the pink I had in my hair. I will be changing the colour soon enough, but right now my soul doesn’t seem to know what colour it wants to be. Heck, I’m even lusting after a pair of YELLOW pants in the mall and I HATE yellow normally. Don’t think I have owned a yellow piece of clothing in my life (at least since I started buying my own clothes).

I played in the yard with the dogs for a bit this afternoon, too. I’m behind in school stuff but this weekend is the first weekend I just checked out completely and the thought of doing anything – cleaning, school work, ANYTHING, made me want to curl up into a ball, hide and cry. I just don’t want to do anything right now. Is this burn out? I don’t know, I’m just tired and sad.

I’m also giving myself this week to decide whether or not I want to cancel or keep my weight watchers account. Honestly, it’s just not working for me since no matter what I do I stay the same stupid weight all the time. I have changed my eating habits, my food, my exercise… and nothing. I lose those 11 pounds and then just stayed there forever. Why pay money every month when nothing changes? I have another 40 pounds to go and well, it’s just not happening that way. We’ll see.

MEANWHILE – we’ve had a few more Free Range Sophie successes! Last Sunday she was left to her own devices (Jinx was in charge) twice, Tuesday and Friday evenings she was left free, all with no problems at all. We’re not quite at the stage that we’ll leave her out for the full work-day, but perhaps we’ll get there by the summer.

Ok, my husband is about to go do groceries because I can’t possibly convince myself that I can leave the house today. I must go tell him what I need for lunch this week.

I hope this snow melts soon and the days warm up (not too much) and spring actually springs at some point. I need a seasonal change to help kick this mood in the pants.

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