memories,  my muse

remembering

erin walker 1977-1994 erin walker :: august 6, 1977 – october 23, 1994

 

when i close my eyes

 

she’s too young to be forgotten
her world has only just begun
her future is an empty slate
waiting to be filled
and i see her
standing there
when i close my eyes

 

dancing in the sky
over moonbeams, around clouds
starlight in her eyes
angels in her hair
and i see her
when i close my eyes

 

child of the sunlight
daughter of the day
sleeping on bed of roses
with flowers in her hair

 

the wind it softly kissed her cheek
the raindrops fell like tears

 

and i see her
when i close my eyes

 

a thousand white candles
their flames dancing with the air
as rocks play tag with ocean

 

she’s fast asleep
never to be woken

 

and i see her
when i close my eyes

 

© catherine healy
October 23, 1994

She was 17. We had finally ended up in the same school after years of being in different ones. She has just started CEGEP. Her mother, Heather and my mother grew up together. Erin and I grew up together (although not always the best of friends). Our children were supposed to grow up together.

Only that never happened.

On this day eleven years ago, Erin and her mother were in a fatal car accident. Heather passed away immediately and Erin was diagnosed as brain dead passing away only the following day. The day I wrote this song and, eerily, at almost the exact time I wrote this song. When I found that out I was freaked out. But it only went to prove how strong a friendship we had. She was like a sister to me. At that time in my life I called her best friend. I never understood why this had to happen. Why two people so full of life and energy and love and light could be snatched so cruely from our midst.

It happens. I’ll never understand it or like it, but you learn to breathe again and move on. I’ll always remember this weekend though. The worry I felt when Erin hadn’t shown up for choir practice after her riding lessons. It was dark and raining and windy and cold. I felt so uneasy and anxious for reasons unknown. I just figured she was missing practice and would show up for mass. But then someone came in and told someone else why Erin’s brother wasn’t there. And then I found out about the accident.

I was sure I was going to pass out at the funeral. I hyperventilated and other than that? I was numb for at least a month that I can remember. The chuch had never been so packed. It was standing room only for the double funeral and people actually had to stand outside of the church because there was no room. Yet another testament to how much these two people touched our lives and just how many lives they touched.

I miss Erin almost every day. She would have been at my wedding. I know she and her mum were there in spirit.

I love you, Erin. I hope you never stop watching over me.

 

10 Comments

  • meritt

    Wow. So you just sat and wrote that for no reason, with no one in mind and then found out about the accident? I’d say it was meant to be written for a ‘reason’ wouldn’t you? Very touching. My thoughts are with you on this day sweetie. Last month (September 13th) we had the anniversary of “Andrews” death – 2 years – since he was killed by a car while riding his bike. He was 11 and a friend of my sons. Sometimes the memories of Fall aren’t all good ones eh?

    Hugs to you today!!!!!!!!!!!!! And you wrote a beautiful song.

  • Val

    I’m thinking of you… Those weren’t pleasant times. I remember when you told me. And I remember her. I can’t help but smile each time I think of her. Even if I didn’t know Erin very well, her spirit was something else. I’m glad she crossed my path.

    Lots of hugs

  • Cat

    thanks, monkey

    meritt… no, I wrote this song at almost the same time that she died on the 23rd. I already knew about the accident from the day before. I didn’t know that she had offcially died until after I wrote the song. That always gives me the shivers. Sorry about your son’s friend. Young people don’t deserve to die.

    val… well, HELLO, stranger! 🙂 She certainly was firey! You were a great friend during those times, trying to make sure I ate food and when I did that it was something OTHER than a cofee crisp. 😉 so, thank you.

  • Jill

    I wish I had known Erin better. Her death was so unfair. It made me so angry. I went to the funeral. I still remember Lucas speaking. I missed her a lot because we’d never really talked but we always said hello and she was such a lovely person.

  • Cat

    ian… I post this every year at this time. Last year was especially important because it was the 10 year anniversary. I wish I could figure out how to post the song itself on my blog. I can’t quite get it to copy in a postable file.

    jill… It’s funny how everyone knew Erin even if they hadn’t been close to her. She and her mother were so well known at St Mary’s and around town. It wasn’t fair, no.

  • squonk

    Wow, that was eleven years ago? Wow. I never knew Erin but it hadn’t been that long after when I met you. It’s obvious she and her mom were deeply loved.

    I just found out somebody I knew through Ruth (whom I don’t speak to anymore) died of cancer. She was in her early thirties and had a 3-year-old daughter. Recently, my brother called and said that a lesbian couple about his age who lived across the hall, and whom he was really getting to know and like, were killed in a car accident. I’m not appreciating this trend of, like, people dying.

    Seventeen is terribly young though, and eighteen (you would have been eighteen, right?) young to experience such serious loss. It’s a beautiful song. I still have the tape.

  • maja

    Oh Cat that’s such a sad story, I’m sorry you lost her. 🙁 I’ve never had a friend die before and I’m not looking forward to the experience. xox *hugs*

    By the way, I had to change my blog URL becaue the IT guy found it and banned it, and Geezer’s from the work web filter. Mine is changed to cuncecuncecunce but Geezer hasn’t changed his yet. I think he might change it to cockmysuck.

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