the anomaly that is me

stronger roots

Fourteen years ago today, our apartment was on fire.

Seven years ago today a man jumped off a building and landed at my feet.

On Monday it will be thirteen years since we picked up the keys to this, our first (bought) home.

As of Wednesday we officially have an Ontario address, and by the end of April our first home will be passed over to its new owners, and over the course of the month, we’ll be moving slightly West to our new (temporary) home.

That’s a lot, huh? And yeah, I focus on numbers way too much. Or maybe not enough. And I won’t lie, because I focus so intently on those numbers, I have been dreading today more than I have dreaded this date in a while. If it was exactly seven years between two major life suckage events, what would this year, another seven years passed, have in store?

But today has been sunshine, and warmer weather, and I am home. I had 100% hoped to have been living in my new town, in my new place by March 2020, but life didn’t work out that way. And right now, the world is a freaking scary place. Not just for me. But I am far away from tall buildings. I am comforted by my husband, my dogs, and even yes, the cat. My Mum checked in on me. I have been sent love virtually that is just so appreciated that it’s almost physical to touch. (But I won’t touch it because SAFETY FIRST!)

Last week I was looking up inspirational quotes for strength, and surviving trauma. Oddly, there was one quote that showed up in the search from Dolly Parton.

“Storms make trees grow stronger roots.”

And that one quote resonated with me. I have weathered a lot of storms in the last couple of decades. The storms are still raging even today. But I have survived. I have grown stronger. I have built up a wall of support and loved ones who will surround me and protect me, as I would do for them. I do not get knocked over as easily as I used to.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t still suffer from panic attacks, and anxiety. I’ve been sleeping poorly lately because I can’t get my head to shut down. I’m not even worrying about every little thing, it’s just that there’s too much noise in my head. It could be a song lyric, or melody, it could be words, it could be worries about whatever. But I’m awake, and anxious and trying to remember to breathe.

Not being at work right now helps with the sleepless night anxiety because I don’t have to worry about getting up and going to a job that I need to be awake and alert for. But not working right now is also a hindrance because I have way too much time on my hands to just think random thoughts and overwhelm my psyche.

And the day’s not over yet, so maybe there’s something BIG waiting to spring itself upon me and jump scare the hell out of me. But maybe everything will be ok today and I’ll look back on a day that didn’t traumatize me. A day where we took the dogs for a lovely walk, in the warm sunshine. I day where I got to support a friend’s art and business during a special sale. A day where I got to do whatever the heck I wanted to (except nap. I tried, but failed.) and was content.

And as my roots grow stronger, I will be able to get through future March 27ths with little-to-no issue and celebrate the good that’s come out of the bad.

Thank you to everyone who’s been there for me through the years. Thank you for covering me in love and support when I need it. Roots need nourishment to become stronger, and I have that in spades with those of you around me. You’re like my very own Miracle Grow. Heh.

And now, to go back to packing up my craft room. I have a lot of crafty stuff. Yikes!

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