WARNING: being alive is bad for your health.
Ever notice how every couple of years there are new warnings about what’s bad for you, and will certainly kill you instantly if you don’t stop doing whatever it is RIGHT THIS FREAKING MOMENT, YO!
Yeah. I don’t take anything at face value anymore. You blink, and there’s some new scientific research that contradicts the scientific research from the day before. It’s like technology — as soon as a new computer is announced, it’s obsolete.
Coffee is good for you. No, wait, it’s bad for you. No, wait! It’s GOOD!! Really! no, wait! It’s not coffee that’s good, it’s wine, or chocolate, or eggs — but not raw eggs! Those will kill you DEAD! Like, waaaaay dead. Unless they don’t because they won’t really kill you because they’re fine in small quantities.
Rinse, wash, repeat.
I was making cookie dough this past weekend to snack on. (Shut up) and the raw eggs thing popped into my head. And I though, meh. I mean, it’s not as if I was going to eat every single egg in the carton like some crazy person. And I figure the CUP of BUTTER, and 2 1/2 cups of sugar (the best part of dough) would likely do me in before any of that tiny egg did. And yeah, I grew up without eating cookie doing being A VERY BAD THING. (Not that it was a good thing, feeding your children cookie dough. Or like, most of the cookies that were made.)
And so I snacked on that dough* (in a reasonable quantity) and I thought, to hell with death by raw eggs! I’m brave! SPARTA! And all that shit. I didn’t die as a kid, so if this kills me now, so be it. I’ve lived 40 years. I have LIVED. I’m good. Death by raw eggs in dough seems like a better option than others out there.
Because these days all you need to do is open your eyes, or ears, and you’re assaulted from all sides by what’s bad for you and will kill you and give you cancer or more cancer and give your cancer cancer. And I’m kind of fed up of warnings that come in the form of OMG DOOOOOOOOM UPON US ALL!!
Seriously. Calm down a little bit. Or a lot. Because being calm might be one of the safer options when trying to not raise the ire of the universe of things that are out there to kill you.
Nobody wants to do anything anymore. I don’t think the children of today are being exposed to enough things to let them build up an immune system. Yeah, I was a sickly kid (and no, it wasn’t because I used to get to lick the spatulas after we made cookies or cake), but I wasn’t epi-pen allergic to everything under the sun. Including the sun.
What I get most annoyed by are those who believe everything they read in the paper, or online, or from over-shared, click-bate Facebook posts and the proceed to lecture, judge, never shut up at you for doing something they JUST READ is blah blah blah IMPENDING DDOOOOOOM AND DEATH UPON YOOOUU!
And hey, you know what’s dangerous? Living. Because eventually you get to the end of life and you -gasp!- die. So maybe try to not be alive too often and you might be lucky enough to avoid death. Meanwhile, if you really can’t avoid it and need to be alive, go ahead and make yourself some cookie dough to snack on. Lick the cake batter off the mixer (not while on, or plugged in!). Have a glass of milk, juice, beer, wine, gin. Whatever. Have a cigar. Have some salt. Enjoy butter.
Just don’t be an idiot about these things. Because — SPOILER ALERT! — we are all going to die eventually. Stop worrying about all of the little things and enjoy your life. Be smart about most of it, but enjoy it. Because if you read all those articles about what’s bad for you and will result in DOOOOOOM, they all go to the same place:
Being alive is bad for your health.
So if being alive is eventually going to kill you, enjoy the time you’ve got going for you now. If I can make it to 40, I think I’ve been doing pretty alright.
*Yes, Daddy. I did actually make two full sheets of cookies as well.