i'm darkness and light, bubbles and faerie wings. i am sparkles and glitter, shadows and clouds. i love purple, and faeries, and books, and music.

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Ramblings by Year

blogust the seventh: If you could have any job, anywhere in the world, what would it be?

Day 7: If you could have any job, anywhere in the world, what would it be?

My dream life would be a professional singer-songwriter who gets to sing nightly for a living. Touring. Getting to make music videos. Recording my own songs. I wouldn’t need to live anywhere specific, really, but I am quite partial to the country I call home. There’s so much to Canada that I have yet to explore, and really, really want to.

Me. 1997

There was nothing more I wanted to do than be a singer. Ever since I got my first tiny record and record player. I sang along to the Mickey Mouse Club and the Monkees. I wanted to sing. I spent pretty much all of my high school education writing songs in my notebooks, rather than actually paying attention to what was being taught. I didn’t need to know all of that crap – I was going to tour the world and sing my songs. Sadly, that never happened because the confidence I have now? I was seriously lacking back then. That was the time for me to make my break and hook up (not in the sexual sense, perverts!) with other musical people. Only I was terrified of talking to the musical people. Afraid they’d think me so much lesser than they were and laugh at me. So I never really advanced more than what I was able to figure out on my own and by ear. To this day I am not really a musical instrument player. I can pick out a few chords on my guitar, but I was never able to really figure it out. I can plunk on keys on the piano and memorize what I hit, when. But I have no clue what notes I am playing.

Mostly, I sing a capella. All the music that accompanies the words I write is rooted deeply within me, unable to be translated into actual musical anything on an instrument. I have longed for a song writing partner for ages, but I am always too shy to approach anyone. I can be loud and brave and social when it comes to things that don’t really let people see the heart of me. If my soul is exposed, I will clam up and shrink within myself. I will fend off the vulnerability with a joke or snarky comment. Sarcasm is my weapon of choice. I might seem like I am friendly to everyone, but so very few people have ever really glimpsed what’s hidden inside me. Those few, close friends, are the few that I have ever trusted with that sort of knowledge.

So, yeah. I want to live my life by singing and writing songs. But that’s just not going to pan out. Ever. I still have trouble grasping that, though. I still have a glimmer of hope that one day I will find someone I am comfortable enough with to help me put music to the words I write and to help me record those songs. Professionally.

Always dreams.

And as for a job that has a much bigger possibility of coming true – I would love to own my own bookstore. Where in the world? Not sure. I would like it to be in a small town. A town that is near water, be it the sea or a lake. Someplace, warm and quaint, where I can ride my bike to work and greet people by name. The store would have new and used books and possibly a tea shop attached. I would be happy. I would be surrounded by books (and tea!) and the world will be perfect and shiny.

I could say I want to live anywhere in the world, but you know what? I haven’t a clue what many places are like and I can’t see myself saying I’d want to live somewhere I know nothing about. I honestly love Canada and would like to try one coast or the other. I am not so much a middle of the country person. I want to be near water, the sea preferably. I love watching the tide go out and come in. I have seen this so rarely, but I loved searching the sandy beach when the tide goes out for treasure. Shells. Smooth rocks. Starfish.

I want to live somewhere rural… at least, not anything like the big city and city-like suburbs I am surrounded by now. I need open skies, short buildings and space between me and my neighbours. I want to see the stars and hear the chirping of the night creatures.

Singing, books and country life… those are what make me feel alive and those dreams are what I want for myself.

Nothing all that special, but it would mean the world to me.

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Instagram Photo a Day 

Photo a day August : Day 7 – 8 o’clock: This is what I was doing at 8 o’clock, that made me space out between 7:43 and 8:12 when I realized I’d missed stupid 8 o’clock one more today. Argh!

blogust the sixth

Day 6 – Your favourite summer memorie(s)

I will always equate summer with Lake Champlain.  When I chose this topic for the Blogust list, I had big plans of finding my photo albums and scanning old photos of the lake and out trailer in upstate New York. That apparently didn’t happen because here I am on August 6th with no photos to post. I thought about waiting to write this and going through boxes, but then I realized I was way too lazy for that and this was an exercise in writing, not photo scanning.

Marine Village Cottages  – heaven on Lake Champlain

From the age of 8 months, until I was 21, this was the place we called home from May until October. (Full time from June 25-end of August!) We started out renting cottages (as seen in the screen shot above) and then when I was about 11, my parents bought a trailer on one of the lots and we moved up the hill (not pictured). My grandparents rented one of the mobile homes and I ended up moving into their spare bedroom to escape a) my sister and b) my smoking parents.

I used to spend so much time at the end of the dock near our trailer, just gazing out over the water. I dreamt I had magic powers and could control the waves and the wind (never happened). I swam when it was too hot (many a night we all ran down to the water, jumped off the dock, dunked ourselves completely and then ran back up to bed – just so we could sleep somewhat cooled off!).

Across the street from the camp was a dairy farm. I spent just as many hours staring at and photographing the cows. I loved those cows and their mooing. I even loved the farm smell. (I love most farm smells, just not pig farms. Pigs are not a smell I enjoy at all.)

When I got older, I started protesting the summers on the lake. I wish I was wiser because I miss them so much it hurts. I was in that age group where all the other kids were either older (and stopped coming down with their parents) or younger (and I didn’t like little kids even then!) I started begging my parents to let me stay home with my father while he went to work and only come down on weekends. I started begging to be left home alone on weekends even though my father would drive down. (This only happened once I hit 18.) I was bored.

BORED!

I wasn’t BORED! What the hell was I thinking!? What was wrong with me! This was way before internet or cell phones. We had a little antenna TV and I would watch Darkwing Duck and Swan’s Crossing.

I was madly in love with the local boy who lived down the street and I would walk my dog, bike, sister down there after dinner most nights just to see if he was out on his front lawn. Only realizing now that he’d look for me, too, since I might pass and the house looked vacant only to see him suddenly shooting hoops in his driveway on my way back. He could have been my first kiss, but I was way too shy. Not to mention he had a steady girlfriend when he was in school, but he didn’t see her for the summer. I was too good for my own good even back then. I wasn’t about to get all smoochy with a boy who was going to use me for summer fun. But our friendship lasted from age 13 until 18. He was supposed to take me to my grad dance, but alas, he had to cancel since it turned out his dance was the same night and he had to take his girlfriend. Joy.

But I still wonder where he is and what he’s doing. I can’t find him anywhere online, but I did manage to track down his sister. I’m too big of a chicken to send a message though. I mean, that was an entire lifetime ago.

The last few years I have been longing, painfully, for my summers on the lake. My sister has rented cottages there with her own family, but it’s not a full summer event like we used to have. I know it’s not quite the same now (the cottages are all painted mint green now, rather than brown, for one) and I know that the owners are trying to sell the lots as condo things, so it’ll be gone soon. I just can’t justify the money, in the heat (because it’s totally hotter now than it was back then). I wish I could, but it’s not the same and I know it won’t be the same when I get there. I’m clinging to the memory of it, not the actuality. But I loved those cottages with their fireplaces and their pine wood. The gas stove (which terrified me), the clunky furnaces (for those rare times it would get cold at night). The bonfires on the beach.. the two beaches… the docks where I learned to fish, dove over and over and pretended I was a mermaid. The handstands. The crayfish. The corn roast in August.

I miss those summers so much. I wish I realized then what I know now – they were the best times of my life.

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Instagram Photo a Day 

Photo a day August: Day 6 – Writing: My current song obsession by Mindy Glehdill, handwritten in my journal.

blogust the fifth

Day 5: Your favourite comfort foods and why.

The two foods I immediately think of when I think Comfort Food are mashed potatoes and homemade chocolate chip cookies. Ever notice how people rarely have a healthy food on their comfort food list? I find vegetables aggravating and other foods just don’t do anything for me. I have no idea why I get irritable when I think about eating a veggie or fruit, but I do. Sometimes I even go so far as to maturely stomp my feet, pout  and whine “I don’t WANNA!” when offered a healthy snack (even if I am the one offering it to myself).

Go figure.

And really, when I say mashed potatoes, I really mean mashed sweet potato & regular potato, roast beef (rare), peas, turnip and gravy. Also… my mum has to make it.

Meal a la Parental Units

In fact, writing this post has made me extremely desperate for that home cooked meal above. Sadly, my parents now live 3.5 hours away and I can’t just call them up during the week and ask my Mum to make me the above for dinner one night. There’s a lot more traveling involved now than just showing up after work. Alas.

But my father mashes a good potato and my mother cooks a delicious roast beef. Mmmm.

Dear gods, I’m drooling. That’s sexy. Thank goodness this isn’t a video blog. heh

And as much as I love vanilla cake with buttercream icing made by my mother, there’s something about homemade chocolate chip cookies that just makes me so content. I don’t even like them warm, right from the oven. I don’t like warm cookies, but I do l like them right after they have cooled. Same day they are made. Yum.

The last, somewhat embarrassing comfort food is Mcdonald’s cheeseburgers. I know, I know. Not the healthiest of items. That’s why I’m burying this revelation here. heh When I have had a craptastic day at work or when I feel like my soul hurts, I just want two cheeseburgers from McDs and oddly, I feel a little better after. I figure there’s prozac or crack in the burgers and this keeps me mentally stable and coming back for more. Whatever. I’m ok with that.

As a person who does not feel like eating when they are stressed or depressed, I don’t go crazy on these comfort foods, but they are the foods I will actually crave, or oddly, be able to stomach when I am such a state. I know a lot of emotional eaters and I am not one of them. I do have poor eating habits (go for days without eating much, have one day of eating little but none of it good for me.. etc) but I figuring knowing this is a problem is half the battle. I just have to stay focused on making myself eat regular meals and have them be as healthy for me as possible. That way when I want to splurge on a day full of roast beef, mashed potatoes and chocolate cookies, it’ll balance out a little better.

This post as totally made me decide I will be making a roast beef this week. Thankfully, I’m still on vacation for one week and I just told Shawn he’ll have to suffer through a roast beef dinner because I need one now that I am thinking about it. (Ok, so I actually asked him if he’d mind, not just told him. I am a pretty good wife, you know.) I am also happy that I will be doing this while on vacation because we have cut down the amount of red meat we have been eating (discovering that we much prefer ground chicken for burgers than ground beef). I have a feeling this meal will make my stomach do a little flip-flopping, but I don’t care.

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Instagram Photo a Day 

Photo a day August: Day 4 – Logo: Imprint logo on the book I read today (cover to cover in 3 hours) It was FANTASTIC.

blogust the fourth

 

Day 4 – Where do you find inspiration?

(Didn’t really troubleshoot for days when I’d be so busy and away from the computer that I couldn’t post. However since this was more of an exercise to get myself to write more often, I’m not feeling any guilt over missing a day ON the day. I just want to blog more and will try to get through all the topics in August!)

My inspiration comes through music and visuals. I am a very visual person and I also have synesthesia, which often translates music INTO images and texture for me. I can here one barre of music and suddenly have enough in my brain to write out two songs worth of lyrics, one short story or draw (I rarely draw anymore. I used to do it a lot when I was a teen. I’d even created my own group of superheros and a small comic.)

A dramatic string arrangement in music can fill my head with all sorts of dreams. I can almost taste the imagery I’ll feel it so strongly. I need to channel that electricity into something. Normally it’ll be some song that I write down (in various colours) and then sing into some recording device. (Lately it’s my iPod, which I don’t even use anymore, but it has memo recording capabilities and I then I save it on my computer.)

I know this might sound cheesy, but in the last two years, I have developed a thing for sunsets. I am obsessed with the colours in the sky at dusk. The sky can become so breathtaking that I can gaze up at it for the entire time the sun goes down. Capturing it on film (digital) doesn’t really do it justice, but I try my best. Between the clouds and the colours, it all feels so calming and it helps ground me (even though I’m looking up ;)).

I often think I need to compile all my sunset shots and have them printed up and hung up in my home. They remind me to breathe and just sit and enjoy life for a while. They make me want to write, but I haven’t been.

When I was young, we’d always summer on Lake Champlain in upstate NY. I’d spend hours out at the end of the dock, looking out at the water and writing. There’s something in water that makes me feel creative. If I get that creative over a lake, imagine if I lived near the sea? I’d be a songwriting machine!

I love texture and calm. I love dramatic string arrangements in the bridge of a song. My inspiration comes from something that I need to be able to feel right down to the core of my every being. I can’t feel a sunset, but the texture it creates in the sky almost seems touchable. It’s stuff like that that shocks me in the middle of my body, almost a gut reaction. It’ll kick my muse into gear if I can stay in one place mentally long enough. I don’t let myself feel that anymore. It’s almost as if I have created a wall to dam up the flow because I don’t have time to keep my head in the clouds. Daydreams have no time or place in the real world – especially in a corporate world.

But it’s time to start chipping at that barricade because I am desperate to feel something again. I need to look up at those sunsets, listen to some wonderfully soul-wrenching music and just let myself go.

Inspiration, here I come.

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Instagram Photo a Day 

Photo A Day August: Day 4 – Where I Sat: The driver’s seat of my car, to and from one of the most fun nights in a long time!

blogust the third

Day 3 – Top 5 pet peeves.

I am bothered by so many, many things on a daily basis, and yet… do you think I can think of ONE thing to write down today? Nope.

You know what though? The fact that I am bothered by so many things, so often, makes me really sad. I hate having such short patience with the world. It only seems to get worse as I get older. This is one of those things that makes me realize how unhappy I must really be in the place that I am right now. When I’m not so disgruntled, I have a higher tolerance for things and can let things slide a lot easier. And that’s why I’m starting to make changes in my life that I hope will end up bringing me back to a place where I haven’t been for a long time.

That being said… here are some things that really bug me, and many of them are just related to good manners (or a lack, thereof).

1) People who stand in the doorway of elevators or subway cars and try to get ON before the people trying to get OFF. Ugh. The metro cars will not take off mere seconds before they open their doors. Elevators have little buttons that can hold doors open for you. But really. LET PEOPLE GET OFF THE TRAIN/ELEVATOR before you rudely push your way in. Have some common sense, people!

2) People who park in multiple spots in a parking lot or on the side of the road. Your car isn’t the most precious thing in the world, let other people have space, too. You’re not the centre of the universe, so just take up ONE spot, like a normal person should. Also, if your car is a rusty, crapmobile, it doesn’t deserve to be so sequestered that it won’t get it. (That being said, if you’re paying over 10oK for a car, you’re investing in the wrong thing, buddy. Try giving money to causes that matter.)

Instagram, August 2011 – I don’t pass my driving test and this idiot can drive on his own and take up FOUR parking spots??? WTF?!

2.a) People who park infront of the doors to the grocery store or bank, when it’s clearly marked a no parking zone. Especially when it’s not miserable weather. It won’t kill you to walk the extra 10 feet from the legal parking spot, sport. You’ll maybe lose some weight, and not block everyone else. COMMON COURTESY!

3) People who don’t get the importance of knowing more than one language. This one comes more from a personal place, since I happen to live in a place where language is so political it even has its own police. Oh, yes. Wheee, Quebec. There’s been a constant fight between English and French in this Province and the Country that I am tired of it. No one seems to realize the blessing and importance that being bilingual can be.  Stop fining people for speaking the wrong language. Stop forcing people to learn only one. It’s insane. This is 2012, the world is just going to become more multicultural and mixed, being able to speak more than one language is awesome. If I could learn more, I would. Alas, I am not that great at picking up other languages, though I can still say “mi cabeza está en el baño” pretty well. Thanks to Jill and my 9th grade Spanish class.

4) People who have to but into every conversation they hear, regardless if it actually concerns them. Oh, yes. This one also comes from a personal place since it happens to happen in my place of work fairly regularly. Ugh. Especially when they interject with their opinion that whatever it is you are talking about is “stupid” and not worth the time it takes to talk about it. Really? Ok, then. Move along. You weren’t part of this conversation anyhow. If we wanted your opinion we would have asked you. We didn’t. Go away.

5) People who can’t parent, be it children or animals. I don’t have kids. I don’t want kids. But if I make sure my dogs are well-behaved in public, don’t go pooping all over other people’s property and make sure they sit, stay and be quiet when they need to, then you should be able to tell your children (or pets) to be quiet, not run around in food courts bothering other people, and not encourage them to throw things around in grocery stores by laughing and saying “That was so funny!” Look, I get it, everyone parents in their own way, thing is, when you’re in public, there’s a time for common sense. If your child or dog is screeching/barking and it’s annoying a room full of people – tell them to quiet down or, even better, TAKE THEM OUT OF THE ROOM. My parents did that. My inlaws did that. Do not let your dog run all over people’s property and pee everywhere, just because you all live on the same street. There are leash laws in this city and, well, keep your dog on one. If you’re walking your dog off leash and it comes running over, barking and foaming at the mouth while we’re out walking our dogs ON leash, that is not cool. Do not yell out “It’s ok! He’s harmless! Just a little hyper!” Not gonna cut it. We don’t know your dog. We don’t know how one dog will react with another.

There is a time and place for freedom for children and pets. It’s not always in public. Remember, there are other people out there in the world besides you. Keeping others in mind while you’re out doing whatever (trying to take an elevator? Trying to get groceries?) if you expect others to keep themselves in check, it applies to you, too.

I’m tired of always be the one stuck holding the door, just because I happened to hold it for one elderly person. The 15 others of you who just try to run through without making eye contact? Yeah. You’re the reason I just let the door slam shut after person number 5.

I am not perfect, but I have always thought of the people around me and tried to help out when I needed too. My parents raised me well, I like to think I stay as polite and helpful as I can in public. At home… well, that’s another thing altogether. I just tell Shawn what to do and punish him if my toast isn’t buttered just right. heh

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Instagram Photo a Day 

Photo A Day August: Day 3 – Coin: Two bucks.

(and a bonus one, since Shawn managed to stand them all up after I snapped this one)