i'm darkness and light, bubbles and faerie wings. i am sparkles and glitter, shadows and clouds. i love purple, and faeries, and books, and music.

Ramblings by Category

Ramblings by Year

trying to find the festive

I’m struggling, folks. I am finding it more and more difficult to find the festive the closer we get to Christmas. I’m feeling blue and I think it’s related to how green everything is. If I wanted a green Christmas, I’d move south.

green christmas 2015

There’s so much misery going around – for everyone. Adulting is HARD. You don’t really get to take a vacation from adulting either.

Couple the general negativity that’s going on in the world around us these days, with the fact that we have had a very mild, and green fall (into December), I’m just not feeling the Christmas joy. I don’t even feel much likeĀ faking said joy.

green christmas 2015

I came home from work one day to find that my husband had put up lights outside. We’ve never had lights outside and to come home, in the dark, to a glowy-whimsical front porch was a delight. When I got inside, I saw Shawn had put up various decorations and it really did cheer the place up a bit. He put stuff up in different places than I normally do – which I love! I get stuck in the same decorating pattern year after year, and it gets dull. This year things are mixed up and it feels nice.

But I still don’t feel very festive.

We went and picked up our tree today. It was 7C. I think it was in the negatives last year, and miserable outside. It’s strange getting ready for Christmas when it feels like mid-October outside. October felt like August. We might just have to push all of our seasons around by about two months.

Yoshi and his indoor potty

There are a lot of things on my mind, and it’s hard to weed through those things and focus on the few happy thoughts there are. This isn’t a PTSD-related thing. It’s just…everything is so blah right now. The news. The weather. Work. Responsibility. Adulting.

It’s hard for me to shop for Christmas gifts when it feels like there should still be 3 months until Christmas. This will prove problematic once Christmas rolls around and I have not gotten any shopping done. The closer it gets the more crowded the stores. I hate shopping. I hate shopping in crowded stores even more.

Even listening to Christmas music isn’t fun — I KNOW! This is ME! I generally listen to it in June! But I just skip past each song as it plays. And dude. I have over 24 hours of Christmas music on my phone. And that’s just what’s activated.

Everyone around me is sad, tired, stressed…it’s difficult to find the festive when you’re all so exhausted just trying to make through each day as it comes.

Twenty days until Christmas, hopefully there will be some snow before then and it will help pick up our spirits. I hope so.

have you seen my whimsy?

Oh, Internet. I am so sad. I am even less festive than I was last year. The past few years have just been using me as a punching bag and though I never thought I would ever lose my whimsy, I fear I have. I fear my whimsy has run off with my muse (who vanished years ago) and left me all alone.

It was all I could do to switch to my Christmas blog themes this week. Normally I have the decorations out and ready to go the week before December 1st, yet this year they are all still packed away and here it is the 2nd already.

As I get older I seem to let all the negative get to me more and more. Though I used to always rebound this time of year and see the magic and wonder in everything, I don’t have that feeling yet. I only just reactivated the Christmas music on iTunes yesterday. I’m normally listening to it as early as September! (and I have been known to go through phases of Christmas music in the summer, too!) I finally synced up my phone with iTunes so that the music is there, now, too. The playlist is still called “Christmas! Yay!” but frankly? I don’t feel at all “Yay!”

It’s sad.

I managed to clean up some of the living room and kitchen this morning. I have so much clutter everywhere you’d think I was on an episode of Hoarders. All the dusting and sweeping and tossing crap in bags because I don’t know what to do with it, but it has to not be on my tables, chest, piano… so I can put out the decorations. Ugh. Once I got done with half of what I needed to clean, I took a break.

My house is dreary.

There is no snow outside. I’m actually THANKFUL for that. ME! The girl who prays for snow in December. Right now, I am happy things are still semi green outside. It could also be that I don’t feel like picketing in the snow, but the one day we did have snow? I felt lighter and more festive.

Faltering festiveness. Again. It’s been a battle since I hit my 30s.

Am I losing the childlike wonder and innocence that I always carried with me? Am I turning into a boring old person? I don’t want to. But it’s just so hard to see any positive or have hope anymore. When did I turn into the person who just always expects the worst and doesn’t get their hopes up about anything? The last handful of years are winning if their goal was to turn me into an emotional black hole of a person with no light or brightness.

The thought of putting up decorations just exhausts me. All I can think of right now is that I will have to take them down in a month. Why bother then?

WHEN DID THAT BECOME ME? I AM NOT THAT PERSON!

I know once the decorations are up I will feel slightly more festive.

But I can’t help think, why bother. I don’t have money to replace all the stuff I needed to replace last year but couldn’t. I need new garland. I need wrapping paper and cards. I need stamps. I need non-broken decorations. Ugh.

I don’t want to see only the negative in this. I don’t. I have been trying to fight it, but lately, I just can’t.

Even when I was in my darkest of times mentally, I still pepped up for holidays. I didn’t even put out Halloween decorations this year. That was a first for me in 13 years of living on my own.

I don’t like who I have become. I don’t even know myself. I just don’t trust anything will ever be ok. I will just always have to settle for the crap hand I am dealt.

If I was in the office, I don’t even know if I would decorate my cubicle like I always do. If we do end up going back to work before Christmas (contract vote on Monday and currently back to work stuff is being negotiated, and surprise! surprise! It’s not going well.) I doubt I’ll decorate. Maybe I’ll just put up my official Charlie Brown tree, with it’s one bulb and leave it at that.

Because, I kind of feel like that poor, little tree right now. Maybe I just need a little love to turn me into a real tree.

festive fail

I have failed you, my readers. In the 6+ years that I have been blogging I have always had a Halloweeny blog theme as of October 1st. This year? Not so much. I haven’t even sat down to create new images for this new layout. I don’t feel like putting my old one back up because I am tired of it. So, we’re 3 days into October and I am still as summery as I was in July. Oh, well.

The decorations aren’t even out in my home to be honest. I haven’t felt at all like decorating or being holiday festive. I feel like I’ve lost that creative side of me. The one that cares about these sorts of things.

Heck, I’ve hardly had the computer on in the evenings when I get home for the last couple of weeks. Just not feeling it.

I sort of want an October theme, but I don’t feel like making one.

Sigh.

I might have lost my sense of whimsy. So sad.