i'm darkness and light, bubbles and faerie wings.
i am sparkles and glitter, shadows and clouds.
i love purple, and faeries, and books, and music.

Ramblings by Category

Ramblings by Year

january joy: friends

I am not alone.

This might seem like a silly statement, but it holds the weight of the the world within those words. I used to think I was alone. So alone. I could be surrounded by groups of people, yet feel nothing but alone.

I thought I was invisible. Insignificant. Unimportant. I was sure no one noticed me, if I were there or not.

But I wasn’t alone. I never was. I’m not sure when I began to realize that I wasn’t alone. It started slowly, until one day I woke up and saw just how surrounded I was with friends who cared about me. Friends who were there for me when I needed to be covered in love and support. It’s almost as if I blinked and the fog around me lifted and suddenly there were all these people right there in front of me.

january joy: friends

*note: don’t be offended if you’re not in this photo. I used what was on my phone at the time!

But this isn’t going to be a post about depression, even if it sounds like it is. What this is, is a post about how much I appreciate every single friendship I have in my life. Some of these friendships are online, and I have yet to meet the kindred soul I have been chatting with for years. Some of these friendships are with people I have known for years, but do not see very often. Some of these friendships are with people I see on a daily basis.

Sometimes you don’t notice just how well-insulated you are against the world because of your friends. I’m slow to trust, and slow to believe that someone might actually care about me. But when I clue in and stop thinking “why me?”, I realize just how strong of a bond I might have with someone and that will make me stop in my tracks in surprise. I’m not used to feeling like I matter to other people. That way of thinking was part of my life for more than half of the years I have been alive. I’m friendly. I’m bubbly. But I hide a lot of apprehension well, and I don’t like to let too many people into the core of my soul.

Each time I get a message that says, “I miss you”, or, “This made me think of you”, you probably have no idea how much that means to me. I never thought I was someone others might think of when I wasn’t around. It always feels new. I’m always surprised. And I appreciate every, single thought.

Having gone through an incredibly crazy and scary time in my recent past, I suddenly woke up to how much I was loved and cared for by people I already thought were amazing. Strange how it can take a trauma, or Big Event in your life to help you notice what is right there in front of you.

I have amazing friends. I have fabulous close friends. I am surrounded by so much love and humour and support. I am not alone. My friends will not let me be alone. We share laughter and tears. We share health woes and work woes with each other. We help each other.

And when things get tough, and I’m feeling down, I turn to my friends because they bring me joy. Thank you for that.


#JanuaryJoy @ Beyond Elsewhere

january joy : happy birthday, YoshiBear!

So, Internet, I have decided to do a Thing this month. I am exhausted from negativity and I wanted to try and change what I see and read for this 2016 year (that I am already suspicious of because it’s an even-numbered year.) Winter is difficult. January is difficult. So for this month I am going to take note of the Joy. Little joys. Big joys. January Joy 2016. I am going to blog about things that bring me joy this month. Not daily (because: hahahahahaha. Right.) but way more often than I have been. Because we need more joy in our lives.

To start the New Year, on this very first day of January, my joy is found in the birthday of our wonderful YoshiBear. The fluffiest, sweetest, and derpiest Finnish Lapphund of them all. (“Them all” being relative to those Lappies we have lived with in the past 17 years.)

So this is how I thought Yoshi should sport his birthday hat for his 4th birthday today.

Yoshi turns 4 - January JoySigh…

Yoshi had other ideas, because this is how he felt the birthday hat was best put to use.

Yoshi's 4th birthday - January JoyOh, boy! NOM! NOM! NOM!

Yeah, he was having none of that with the hat. Apparently I’d just given him the best toy ever.

And of course the hat was a huge hit with Yoshi, not in the way I’d intended. We thought his birthday treat of a pig’s knuckle would have been more exciting, but he just looked at me, looked at the treat and had no clue what to do.

Yoshi isn't the brightest - January JoyBirthday hat = BEST TOY EVER! Birthday pig’s knuckle treat = da fuq do I do with this??

But where Yoshi may lack in smarts, he makes up for in infinite amounts of love and snuggles. I wake up to this face every* morning:

GOOD MORNING, MUMMY! - January Joy* it’s not always his face in my face every morning. If you get my drift.

How can you not be filled with joy seeing that teddybear of a face first thing every morning?

Yoshi is such a loveable pup. He’s calm, curious, friendly, and silly. He chews his toys or treats with his bum up in the air. He gets startled by and barks at the mysterious dog that only comes out at night, that he sees in the back yard (SPOILER ALERT: it’s his reflection.) Still. He gets startled by the dog he sees in the mirror next to the bed a lot as well. He doesn’t bark at this one, he admires it. Or maybe he’s figured out that it’s HIM and he’s just lost in his own beauty. Hey, it happens to the best of us.

YoshiBear - January Joy

This is his second year with snow, and he didn’t seem to recall the cold part of it. He wants to stay outside, but his poor, southern belle paws need to get used to the cold. heh

YoshiBear and the Scarfy - January JoyWhat do you MEAN, this scarfy isn’t for ME? Look how fashionable I am!!

Yoshi loves scarves. Don’t tell him, but I’m making him one for his birthday. Though due to my being sucked into the Lego Batman 3 Void, and the craft project I’m trying to get done this weekend, I’m a little behind. So far he’s got a pretty decent knitted bookmark. You know, for all those books he reads. *cough*

Thug Life YoshiBear - January Joy

I dids not choose the thugs life. It choosed me.

He’s such a patient dog. He might not like all the stuff I put on him (the scarfys are an exception. He loooooooves the yarn and knitting. Kid you not.) He just looks more and more like a toy when I dress him up. He’s so adorable I can’t stand it sometimes. Just look at him in that hoodie! Gah!

BusinessBearFLOOF - January Joy

File this! Minute that! When is lunch time?

Yoshi is such a calm, quiet dog, that I wish I could bring him into the office with me regularly. I may or may not have snuck him into the office on our last day before the holidays. As you can see, he does Business Casual pretty well. He was so happy to meet new people. And with the tie, you wouldn’t even notice he was a dog. (He did not like the elevators though. Going up startled him, and he had to be carried into the elevator on the way down.)

I had no idea what a gift Yoshi would turn out to be when we adopted him. He’s helped me through so much in the last year. His calming influence, and complete devotion to me helped me through some awful anxiety and PTSD relapses. His constant shadowing of me where ever I go in the house makes me smile, giggle, and feel so safe and calm. He hates when I cough or sneeze, he’ll lie on top of me and stick his nose in my face. Doesn’t blink an eye when Shawn does it. Guess he’s expendable. heh

Yoshi sleeps on me, and I have fallen asleep on him. He often likes to put his paw in my hand when we sleep. Or he’ll place my hand on his face and press up firmly against it and falls right asleep. He dreams vividly if his many ear flutters, paw running, nose and eye twitches are any indication. He has to be near one of us at all times. He’s branching out and spending more time with Shawn these days. I don’t feel so guilty about his devotion now.

Yoshi and Sophie - January Joy

Even Sophie has grown to love him in her own way. Now that there is snow on the ground, she will play with him (FINALLY — YoshiBear). She lets him lie down next to her (more often than she used to), and lets him lick her face at night. He’ll never fill the place that Jinx had in her life, but she’s a lot happier having Yoshi around than being by herself. She’s also happier because I inflict all my dressing up games on him and not her. See how thrilled she is to NOT be wearing a hoodie? I think she was laughing at him.

Happy 4th birthday, my YoshiBear. Thank you for being such a huge part of my life, and our lives, this year. You’ve only been here a little over a year, but it feels like you’ve been part of my heart for my entire life.

And that, Internet, is my first moment of Joy  this January.