• the anomaly that is me

    loss & lost

    there are a multitudeof words and emotionscrashing around inside my headand heart none want to escape theirdark, swirly, hideawaysand find themselves on paperor screen. these days I see nothing butmemoriesof who lived within each boxof 28, 30, or 31 daysI know it’s just a matter of perceptiona glass half empty / half fullsort of filter when I look at the calendarbut right now, all I see are empty spaceswhere family, friends, pets, and loved onesused to be this date used to celebrate that personthat date used to celebrate this personempty boxes that represent empty spacesin my heart, and in the world. and six years ago today, when my life changedfor better or for worse(who knows)perceptions changed, priorities changed.but I’m still not sure howor what I want to change I have been wandering, lost.through a maze of possibilitiesuncertainty trailing behind me like a shadowwhat I thought I needed, wasn’t what I neededwhat I thought was the right path, turned out to be a dead endand somehow, I am back at the startall over againor, maybe not.maybe it’s a new direction, from the same entrance, but with differentpossibilities and goals to achievemaybe it’s not the same start, but a new one Still.I look at those empty boxes on the calendarand all I see is lossa birthday that is now a memorya deathday that reminds me, yet again, of the empty spaceeach loved one, human or animal,now has two empty boxes within 365 dayssometimes moreand I have lost so much time myselfbecause of…

  • the anomaly that is me

    words of wisdom always seem wiser when said to someone else

    I can be your cheerleader. I can be your support. I can encourage you to be your best, and take that chance. I can offer you words of comfort and optimism, all completely sincere, to help you overcome those obstacles, and to find the courage to try something new. I can offer sage advice on how you shouldn’t let fear of the unknown keep you from trying something new. I can do all this and more when it comes to supporting someone other than myself. When it comes down to me, though? Everything sage and sincere I have ever said to someone else is suddenly gone from my head. I start to panic, to procrastinate, to find multiple excuses to not be doing what I should be doing. Something so simple, that will cause no harm, is suddenly the largest monster in the closet and I don’t want to go into that room anymore lest I accidentally let it out. Change is good. Change is terrifying. Without change, you can’t grow. You can’t experience life. You stay static. Trapped. You might hate where you are, but unless you take that first step onto the path leading in another direction, you’ll never change. I have never been good with change. I like Same. Though as I have grown older I have become much more adaptable to change. Small changes, but still, my entire world does not turn upside down with every small change. And I want change. I am tired of Same.…