i'm darkness and light, bubbles and faerie wings.
i am sparkles and glitter, shadows and clouds.
i love purple, and faeries, and books, and music.

Ramblings by Category

Ramblings by Year

loss & lost

wilted flower by me, Cat

there are a multitude
of words and emotions
crashing around inside my head
and heart

none want to escape their
dark, swirly, hideaways
and find themselves on paper
or screen.

these days I see nothing but
memories
of who lived within each box
of 28, 30, or 31 days
I know it’s just a matter of perception
a glass half empty / half full
sort of filter when I look at the calendar
but right now, all I see are empty spaces
where family, friends, pets, and loved ones
used to be

this date used to celebrate that person
that date used to celebrate this person
empty boxes that represent empty spaces
in my heart, and in the world.

and six years ago today, when my life changed
for better or for worse
(who knows)
perceptions changed, priorities changed.
but I’m still not sure how
or what I want to change

I have been wandering, lost.
through a maze of possibilities
uncertainty trailing behind me like a shadow
what I thought I needed, wasn’t what I needed
what I thought was the right path, turned out to be a dead end
and somehow, I am back at the start
all over again
or, maybe not.
maybe it’s a new direction, from the same entrance, but with different
possibilities and goals to achieve
maybe it’s not the same start, but a new one

Still.
I look at those empty boxes on the calendar
and all I see is loss
a birthday that is now a memory
a deathday that reminds me, yet again, of the empty space
each loved one, human or animal,
now has two empty boxes within 365 days
sometimes more
and I have lost so much time myself
because of six years ago today
the catalyst for change,
the shift in perceptions and priorities
I left, I grew, I tried something completely different
but it wasn’t the right path
and I am lost again
on another path that I am sure
is also the wrong direction

but I have so little energy to look for the right way
and I am so tired of trying to see through the fog
in my head
in my heart
in front of my eyes

I miss my father
I miss my dogs
I miss my friends
I miss my grandfather, grandmother, aunt, etc.

I miss seeing full squares in the calendar on my wall
eventually I may see them half-full
but I don’t know which path will take me there
or how long it will take to find it, or arrive

I am exhausted by loss
and of being lost

words of wisdom always seem wiser when said to someone else

I can be your cheerleader. I can be your support. I can encourage you to be your best, and take that chance. I can offer you words of comfort and optimism, all completely sincere, to help you overcome those obstacles, and to find the courage to try something new.

I can offer sage advice on how you shouldn’t let fear of the unknown keep you from trying something new.

I can do all this and more when it comes to supporting someone other than myself.

When it comes down to me, though? Everything sage and sincere I have ever said to someone else is suddenly gone from my head. I start to panic, to procrastinate, to find multiple excuses to not be doing what I should be doing. Something so simple, that will cause no harm, is suddenly the largest monster in the closet and I don’t want to go into that room anymore lest I accidentally let it out.

Change is good.

Change is terrifying.

Without change, you can’t grow. You can’t experience life. You stay static. Trapped. You might hate where you are, but unless you take that first step onto the path leading in another direction, you’ll never change.

I have never been good with change. I like Same. Though as I have grown older I have become much more adaptable to change. Small changes, but still, my entire world does not turn upside down with every small change.

And I want change. I am tired of Same. Sometimes I feel like a fish who has grown too big for its bowl. But trying to get to a new bowl, or a new pond is terrifying.

Without change, there is no chance. There is no adventure. Sometimes you need to shake up your routine.

But when I find myself facing that big red button that says “Push Me to Start Something New”, I hesitate. I fear.

One step onto a different path is all it takes to start change. One tiny step. It’s nothing difficult. But it can feel like stepping off a ledge into thin air.

But I’m ready. I am ready for change. I am ready to talk myself into being my own cheerleader. And this week I took that first step, and I am looking forward to seeing where this new path leads.