the anomaly that is me

a tale of two coats

a tale of two coats - follow your gut feelings

Once upon a time, I had a lovely wool (ok, acrylic) coat that I bought at Old Navy. This was a coat I wore most of the fall and winter seasons for about two years. Unfortunately said coat was donated to a second-hand store at the start of last winter. Why? Well it turns out the coat was likely a trigger for the ptsd issues as it was the coat I was wearing when the guy fell from the sky. Couple that with November being rather March-like, even though I loved that coat, there were too many things pushing ME off the edge. So I followed the suggestion of my therapist and got rid of the coat.

Problem was, I couldn’t find anything to replace it with. I looked much of last year for another wool (not wool) coat, but nothing fit, or nothing was just right. I miss that Old Navy coat a lot, it was perfect for me – a person who overheats easily – so I could wear it most of the winter with just an extra hoodie or something underneath if I needed to.

Alas.

This year I was on the look out for a new coat again. It’s not easy finding what you’re looking for WHEN you’re looking for it. I wasn’t looking for a coat when I got the Old Navy one, I needed a non-parka, yes, but I wasn’t actively looking for something. That’s the way I find the best things.

Anyways… On Monday I was wandering around with my friend Elise at lunch, and I stopped in a store to check out their coats. Their wool (not wool) coats were all too small for my ample boobage, but they had these cottony type ones in a few colours. I tried on one in burgundy, and it fit. I wasn’t sure about the colour though. I was eyeing the green coat as well. Both Elise and the sales attendant assured me the burgundy coat was lovely, and so I got it. (Note: it was on SALE! woot!) I fretted about the colour the rest of the day. I brought it home, modelled it for Shawn and myself, took some photos in the mirror (above) and planned on wearing it to work the next day.

All day Tuesday the coat nagged at me. I felt frumpy. I felt like I looked like a frumpy, old lady. By the end of the day I was almost hyperventilating from the thought of having this stupid red coat. I wanted the green coat. I had Shawn look for the tags in the recycling bin. I couldn’t believe the reaction I was having to this silly coat. It was a COAT for pete’s sake. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how I needed the green coat. The green coat would be better.

So we went to the store right after work. I had checked online to make sure they had the large size in green on my way home (thank you smart phones!) and with the red coat in a bag, receipts and tags in my hand, I exchanged the red coat for the green coat.

And suddenly I could breathe again. The tightness in my chest opened up. My hands were no longer shaking.

I can’t believe I had this reaction to a coat. I know my gut feelings are generally on point, and I can feel a knot in my stomach when something isn’t right for me, but I can’t think of the last time I almost had a full-blown anxiety attack over an object. When I am already sick, depressed*, or anxious*, I have been known to freak out over something I am wearing, or nail polish being on my nails (getitOFFgetitOFFgetitOFF!), or something like that. But this was a simple case of being indecisive over which of the two colours I wanted, and apparently I chose the wrong one.

Oddly, the green coat fits better. This isn’t my imagination. The arms are less tight and it falls more comfortably or something. I can even see it in the photos I took.

The nifty thing about this coat (in either colour), is that the inside is removable, so I’ll have something lighter to wear come spring. Or you know, tomorrow, when it’s 14C outside (after having been 0C or below, WITH snow earlier this week.) The furry part around the hood also comes off. Thankfully.

 

*I have been quite lucky this fall as I have not yet had any PTSD relapses. I am hoping this will continue through the winter. I am working very hard at getting better, and staying better. I’m still bummed to no end about giving up that original coat, but I also like to feel sane and not-broken.

3 Comments

  • Mummy

    As much a I love burgundy, the green coat definitely fits you better. And why would you care that I like burgundy anyway!?! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Your Lil Sis

    The free looks younger and more hip! I can understand why the red coat made you feel old lady frumpy.
    I’m really happy you got the green coat and that that is what it took to sooth the soul! ๐Ÿ™‚

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