the anomaly that is me

the accidental affair

Those of  you who know me well, know I am a rather big prude and do not handle impropriety very well. (Jinx approves.) If you don’t know me well…spoiler alert! I’m a giant prude. I do not like naked things, PDA, innuendo, etc. I have been known to turn many shades of red and purple if I happen to even get a dirty joke. Normally I don’t get it, but if I do, hooo boy. I used to be ashamed of my lack of smarmy knowledge and just pretend I’d get the joke and laugh along with everyone else. Now? I honestly couldn’t care less because I DON’T WANT TO KNOW what it is you are alluding to.

I have aqua fit classes twice a week at the University pool. I have issues there because there are very many male swimmers in very tiny speedos. I do not approve of the speedo swim attire for me. I like my men in clothes. So…

Facing the side of the pool are mats where various athletic  swimming type young (and old) people stretch and do all sorts of difficult things like pushups and planks and crunches like it’s nothing. Show offs. These mats run parallel to the pool. So mostly these very in shape people lie parallel to the pool whilst they do their thing. The rare time I have even noticed what’s going on, I have noticed with Maureen (who comes with me) and we’re generally in awe of the ease of these people and their more difficult poses, etc. Otherwise, I just focus on what I’m doing in the class (a class that I ADORE, by the way).

Except today. Today I went to the class all alone because Mo was sick. Not a problem. The class was actually quite full today so there was limited room in the shallow end (where I can touch the ground and not have the water over my head. It’s a very small window of Not Drowning Short Cat). For the last 15 minutes of the class, we were to line up and use the pool wall as resistance for some exercises. Not a problem.

Until the young guy in the teeeeeeeeny tiny speedo walked in and started doing his warm up.

Right in front of me.

NOT laying parallel to the pool, but perpendicular. So his feet were pointing at me.

His feet were NOT the only things pointing at my face for most of his warm up.

OH.

MY.

GOD.

I did the last 10 minutes of the class with my eyes CLOSED. I couldn’t look straight ahead because there were things happening there I did NOT want to see. I did not want some strange guy’s most private areas all up in my face. I couldn’t look anywhere else. I couldn’t move away because we were a full class. He was right behind the instructor, who was in front of me and I couldn’t look at HER because there were these legs and stretching and bums all flailing around in front of me. (Ok, there was no flailing because he was very fit and had very controlled movements, but STILL!)

It was so awkward. I was so not happy.. trying not to giggle and cursing Mo and her cold for not being there to console me. Or at least giggle with me.

I feel like I wouldn’t have gotten a better show if I’d been to a strip club. I’m pretty sure, with the eyeful I got, that in some countries we’d be married now. I think I just had an accidental affair with some young, swimming dude.

I told my boss and a few friends and they are having a lovely laugh at my expense. I will grudgingly admit that it is funny. Of all the people for this to happen to and out of all the people who could have ended up with this guy right in their face… it was me.

The prude.

Oy.

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