the anomaly that is me

the first six decades of 2020

Face it. We’ve likely all aged about 60 years since January 1st. I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to be counting each month as a decade right now. So here I am, on the final day of June 2070, writing things down so I can look back on this time and remember… wait. Do I even want to remember any of this?

I knew change was coming in the near future, I simply wasn’t expecting it to all happen at the same time. We have history books dedicated to entire centuries, but 2020 is going to end up as some sort of Time Life Encyclopedia Set of history books. Maybe the rest of the 20s will be quiet and uneventful. Man, I hope so.

Like many people right now, I find myself torn between needing to stay informed, and needing to unplug and back away from all the heavy, negative news out there. I’m not shying away from what really matters, but it’s so overwhelming that my already anxious, and sensitive system isn’t digesting things well. There’s just so much wrong with the world at the moment. The world is breaking apart, to be reborn a-new. The cracks that have been forming through the years have suddenly fallen apart and the lava underneath it all has found its way to the surface.

And besides all the worldly upheaval, my own personal battles are still waging. Everything builds and builds and weighs me down. I’m overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, sad, angry, restless, and kind of hopeless. There’s good around me I know there is, but it’s more difficult to focus on when your brain is being pulled in so many chaotic directions.

I try to take deep breaths and centre myself around what’s good: we are safe, we are (relatively) healthy, we have a roof over our head and food on the table. We have a support group of parents who love us. We are incredibly lucky for these reasons, and I have much guilt over thinking that these things just aren’t enough. Because of course they are. But being employed would also be great. And not having surprise financial hiccups would be better. Not having to be in a constant state of panic would be ideal.

I would like to not have to remind myself to breathe multiple times a day. And then I think about all those who are suffering with COVID and feel horrible that I can breathe with ease, I just don’t because of anxiety. It’s totally different, but still on my mind.

I can’t make people not be stupid. I can’t make people not be angry. I can’t fix anything right now as much as I wish I could. And I don’t really have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but it’s what I do. I don’t just worry for me. I worry for you. And you. And them. And us.

I just need a break. We all just need a break. I’m not sure how we will make it to December 2130* at this rate.

*one month = one decade


One Comment

  • Marilyn Healy

    You nailed it again! You have such a great way of expressing yourself and what is going on around you/all of us! XO

%d bloggers like this: