pook house,  the anomaly that is me

thoughts, conflicted

You know what I have wanted since I was a teenager? To move out of my Province and to another one. And it’s taken decades for this to become a reality, and it’s a precarious situation that I am still paranoid will fall apart. But here we are. Two weeks from our moving date, and two days from heading to the new house to await deliveries and internet set up.

Yet…

When we decided at the end of summer last year, that after a ton of crappy stuff was going on, that this was actually the best opportunity to make the change in our lives we have talked about for years… well, we weren’t expecting it to go like this.

The house took longer than we’d hope to sell.

But it sold. Yay!

And it sold before the world turned upside down because of the current pandemic situation.

But now, a move to another province, when everything is in lock down is just scary. And frustrating. And making me feel guilty for originally being excited that we are moving to Ontario, and that I’ll be closer to my mother!

I can’t even see my Mum right now. Who knows when that will be allowed again.

And we close on the house at the end of this month, but we’ve rented a place (for a year. Yet another thing that was not planned.) and we’ve got movers booked for mid-month. And I am so scared we will get a call that the house sale is postponed or, worse, and that we’ll be stuck.

So far news has been positive on that front. But I am just too paranoid about everything right now. And maybe I’ll just feel better once April 30 rolls around and we are all in our new townhouse, animals and all.

We were planning on going to the new place on weekends to shop for things we needed there. Like a couch, for one. But now most all places are closed, unless essential. So those trips have been cancelled. And I’m not sure what to do about the couch. We were tossing the old, broken one and not moving it. But maybe we need to add it to our mover’s list and just deal with it for a while.

I was looking forward to seeing my mother for a fancy dinner. But that will wait, too. We can’t even go into her building. So maybe I’ll just wave from the parking lot while she’s on her balcony.

The job market is paused, too. So I don’t know when we’ll find jobs once we move. I had hoped to have found something by now, but that’s also not the case.

I am excited, and terrified, and scared, and anxious, and so happy to move to Ontario, and paranoid, and feel guilty about doing this during this time. But we can’t change some things, so we’re taking it a day at a time and we’re being safe and smart.

And I am annoyed that the joy I wanted to have about finally moving is smothered by the current world health situation. And I feel bad about feeling annoyed by this. It seems petty. And selfish. But I AM annoyed. I just wanted to enjoy the move, and the new adventure (which was nerve-wracking enough!), but now it’s all scary and somber.

I’m also annoyed that we weren’t able to buy a house right away, like we wanted to. We are lucky to have a place to live, and that we can afford, but it’s exactly opposite of everything we wanted to buy. It’s basically just a smaller version of the house we are selling, and it’s a lovely home, it’s just not what we wanted. And we can deal with this no problems, but it’s still disappointing. And then I feel guilty about feeling disappointed.

Every emotion and thought I have right now is twinned with an opposite emotion and thought. It’s like I can’t have one without the other. There is no positive without the negative. And this is exhausting. And I feel like my world is just always one dramatic chaotic event after another. Like, am I cursed? But then again, I also know how blessed I am for so many things. I am lucky in so much. Others have it much worse. Others also have it much better.

There is always OTHER.

So I am trying very hard to focus on the US. And the good bits, but again, those bad bits are like barnacles on a boat and the boat is the good.

And I know I’m not alone. We’re all struggling together. Somehow that makes it a little better. And I appreciate all of my friends and family. Stay safe, and wash those hands!

2 Comments

  • Raymond Brisebois

    good luck on your move and welcome to Ontario we pray that everything will go well for you and Shawn Best of Luck Ray

  • Linda L Marden

    You did pick the worst possible time to move! But think of the “war stories” you will have for future generations!

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