what to wear to your 10th traumaversary

I am alone.

That’s not true at all. I have Shawn, I have my mother, I have my family, I have Monkey. I have friends who care for and support me. I am loved.

And yet, this time of year I always feel alone.

And I never feel safe.

This year is harder than most. You’d think being 10 years removed from the day of the trauma, and having moved 300km+ away from the city, it would be easier. I thought it would be. I was sure that March 27th would just pass by me without incident this year. The last two years in this new city, new province, have made my reactions and nightmares and everything so much less.

But this will be the first year since the incident that I don’t have Jinx, or Yoshi around. Jinx helped me through both the day of, and the first traumaversary before he passed in July 2014. Since then, every March 27th I have had my gentle, dummmy, sweet Yoshi to calm me. What he lacked in braincells he more than made up for in emotional support. I could just burry my face into his fur and hold on tight. He’d fall into me and give me all of the kissies. He’d just let me hold him and be still. I could cry into him and he’d just let me and then give more kisses.

And yeah, this is a post about my stupid PTSD anniversary and I’m filling it with photos of dogs. I’d rather that then photos of the building the guy jumped off of. Or of the street I had to continue to see from my office on a daily basis that I could not avoid. I could see the building and road from where i worked and I had to pass it in some form on both morning and evening commutes. But the mornings were the worst because it was the morning when the guy who jumped landed right in front of me.

I never want to experience that again. I hate seeing it in movies, or tv shows. I can normally tell when something is leading up to a jump, fall, and smash and can avoid watching it. It’s the ones that catch you off guard that get me. And I don’t think I will ever be free of the nightmares those will trigger for a few days.

This year the nightmares are the worst they have been in a long while and I know it’s because I am still reeling from the sudden loss of Yoshi at the end of December. He was my emotional anchor. How am I going to get through all of this without him. I don’t think I can do it. I’m already a mess and it’s bleeding into work and other life.

I am so sick and tired of always looking up to scan tops of buildings. I am exhausted by being on alert every time i leave my house. Moreso this time of year.

And being told “well you’re lucky you and the delivery truck both stopped to see who would go first, or he’d have fallen on you and you’d be dead” wasn’t really the helpful reasoning the doctor at the hospital thought it was. I still saw what I saw and what I saw was not normal. And to the rude 911 operator who was annoyed that she had to speak English with me and told me I had to go look to see if the guy was breathing even though I told her that HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A HEAD ANYMORE. I hope you found another job because being a 911 operator was not the right choice for you.

And I’ll end this with yet another photo of Mr YoshiBear on his 5th birthday. January 1, 2017. All fancy in his tie and crown. I miss him terribly and I want him with me to get through this nightmare traumaversary. Ten years should be enough to get better, but unfortunately, it’s not.