fibromyalgia

On Tuesday morning I had my 6 month follow-up with my Rheumatologist as I am still being followed for my mystery pain that seems to be caused for no reason. This is the Utopian Department of the hospital. The one where everyone is super nice and happy and you get taken on time. The appointment went something like this:Dr: So when I saw you in August we said you should try to decrease from 20mg to 10mg for two weeks and then try to stop the meds.Me: Yeah, well, after 5 days of 10mg the pain was so bad I was back to not being able to exist without hurting.Dr: So, you should keep taking the meds if you're ok with that. They are not harmful and such a small dosage isn't something I would worry about.Me: I'm so down with that, yo.Dr: And as I told you last time, you have Fibromyalgia and...Me: Um... actually you told me last time "I don't want to say you have Fibromyalgia because of all the 'stigma' attached, it's sort of a cop-out diagnosis"Dr: Oh. Well, I wrote here that you have Fibromyalgia.*laughter ensues*(please note my doctor is awesome and this was a very humour-filled conversation. Not once did I get upset about the conversation. It's one of those "you had to be there" things because he's a great doctor!)So I am officially diagnosed with something.What does this mean? Well, to me it really doesn't mean anything. If you look up Fibromyalgia online it is pretty much the cop-out diagnosis. It means that there is no medical reason doctors can find to explain why whatever is happening is happening. It has like, all the symptoms in the world. It's one of those things that a person can look at and pick out 10 or more things and say "OMG! That is SO what I have!" and then pester their doctor for drugs and time off work.Every single serious and scary reason for my extreme pain in my tendons has been ruled out by blood tests, MRIs, x-rays and um.. wait,  think that's it. I have had so many different blood tests I am amazed I have had enough blood in my body to live this long. The pain I was feeling wasn't in my head. The inflammation actually showed up in blood tests and scans. But there is No. Reason. For. It.I guess now I can play the Fibromyalgia card for things. I tried it at work already stating that as I now have an official reason for my chronic fatigue that I should be allowed to take naps during the work day whenever I need one. This was met by a smirk and eye roll by my boss so I tossed out, "Or, I can just say that my stress level is too high and go on 6 months disability. Neener neener. Make your choice, woman." That didn't go over too well either. Although I think I might be closer to making the nap thing work. (I love my boss, she's so fun to be snarky with and she's very supportive of me.)My doctor can't tell me why this happened or what I can do to make it go away. I am sleeping better (because these pills also apparently help with insomnia), I am exercising a lot because I don't hurt with the meds. I am eating better (most of the time) and the only thing I can't do anything about is reduce the stress in my life because, hoooo boy, yeah. Not going to happen. I have a very stressful job, too, so that's not really something I can change unless I leave it.I don't like not knowing WHY this is happening and HOW I can make it go away. This diagnosis is almost the same to me as a non-diagnosis. Sure I have a name to toss around now, but it really means (to me) "we have no idea, so we'll just make something up."What matters to me is that with 20mg of some drug I don't hurt and I can function in every day life like a normal person and I don't think about the fact that something is wrong. When the pain is back that's all I can think about and I start to panic that I have cancer or something just as deadly. When I am not in any pain? I don't think twice about it.I guess it's nice to finally have a doctor tell me I have something after so many years of being in and out of the hospital with real, visible problems but never any cause. I guess. I can't really decide how I feel. Yes, I have a "label" but at the same time it doesn't really mean anything. I hurt a lot, my tendons swell and inflame from head to toe when I am not taking these little pills, but there's no reason they should be. No medical reason at any rate.But I now have a label, and if there is stigma attached, then so be it. I am not about to take advantage of my health benefits and go on sick leave for 6 months (although, some days I am tempted to do just that. Six months away from the office... bliss!). The only way I would take leave is if it was very serious and I was near death. I managed to work through the pain as it reached its peak before I got to see my Rheumatologist so I think I can handle working without pain.I don't think this changes anything, but I guess now I can tell people what I have and not just say "Well, I can't lift that because I hurt" and not seem lazy.I don't know. I don't know enough about this to decide how I feel.