loss & lost
there are a multitude
of words and emotions
crashing around inside my head
and heart
none want to escape their
dark, swirly, hideaways
and find themselves on paper
or screen.
these days I see nothing but
memories
of who lived within each box
of 28, 30, or 31 days
I know it's just a matter of perception
a glass half empty / half full
sort of filter when I look at the calendar
but right now, all I see are empty spaces
where family, friends, pets, and loved ones
used to be
this date used to celebrate that person
that date used to celebrate this person
empty boxes that represent empty spaces
in my heart, and in the world.
and six years ago today, when my life changed
for better or for worse
(who knows)
perceptions changed, priorities changed.
but I'm still not sure how
or what I want to change
I have been wandering, lost.
through a maze of possibilities
uncertainty trailing behind me like a shadow
what I thought I needed, wasn't what I needed
what I thought was the right path, turned out to be a dead end
and somehow, I am back at the start
all over again
or, maybe not.
maybe it's a new direction, from the same entrance, but with different
possibilities and goals to achieve
maybe it's not the same start, but a new one
Still.
I look at those empty boxes on the calendar
and all I see is loss
a birthday that is now a memory
a deathday that reminds me, yet again, of the empty space
each loved one, human or animal,
now has two empty boxes within 365 days
sometimes more
and I have lost so much time myself
because of six years ago today
the catalyst for change,
the shift in perceptions and priorities
I left, I grew, I tried something completely different
but it wasn't the right path
and I am lost again
on another path that I am sure
is also the wrong direction
but I have so little energy to look for the right way
and I am so tired of trying to see through the fog
in my head
in my heart
in front of my eyes
I miss my father
I miss my dogs
I miss my friends
I miss my grandfather, grandmother, aunt, etc.
I miss seeing full squares in the calendar on my wall
eventually I may see them half-full
but I don't know which path will take me there
or how long it will take to find it, or arrive
I am exhausted by loss
and of being lost