Purge

Purgeby Sarah Darer Littman

Janie Ryman hates throwing up. So why does she binge eat and then stick her fingers down her throat several times a day? That's what the doctors and psychiatrists at Golden Slopes hope to help her discover. But first Janie must survive everyday conflicts between the Barfers and the Starvers, attempts by the head psychiatrist to fish painful memories out of her emotional waters, and shifting friendships and alliances among the kids in the ward. (goodreads.com)

This is another book I won at the Teen Author Carnival in NYC in May after hearing the author speak on a panel. I have mentioned this before on my blog but I have a thing for "disorder" stories. My own personal experiences are not of the eating disorder kind, but having suffered from other "disorders" and dealing with sever depression and suicidal tendencies I seem to relate more to these sorts of contemporary novels than the ones with love and romance and high school blah blah blah.I got this book in May 2010 and am only now reading it 8 months later even though I knew it was a book I really wanted to read. The normal stuff kept me away from it - I have to be in a certain mood to be able to deal with emotional books like this and I was wary of the Bulimia factor. I do not deal well with barfing. Even the the categorization of Barfers and Starvers, I had to skim quickly over any reference to the word "barf". Ugh. I just can't handle it.There is something I have noticed in reading these types of "disorder" books, whether it be an eating disorder, self-mutilation, depression, etc... if the author has experienced what she or he is writing about the book comes off a much more believable and way more emotional. I am proud of Littman for using her own experience to write a book that needed to be written. It does not glamourize or endorse eating disorders but at the same time it does not preach to the reader about how they should NOT do it. Yes, that is the underlying message but you come to the realizations that there are other ways to cope with things along with Janie as she spends her time writing in her journal from the hospital.I fooled myself into thinking I was far enough removed from this type of illness that the emotions in the book would not hit me as hard as they did. The first time I broke down? When Janie calls her best friend Kelsey for the first time since "the incident" and after their fight. I swear I had the same apprehension and anxiety and the relief as the main character of the book as she was experiencing it. The second scene that brought tears was one with Tom.And then of course Chapter 13, from Janie's journal, just had me bawling because her situation became a little too similar to my own ghosts and I cried through the rest of the book.A warning to those who still have yet to read the story? Do not do it right before bed because if you cry as much as I did you'll end up having a stuffed head all night, unable to sleep and then wake up with a killer sinus headache the next day. Trust me, I am still feeling the effects of that headache this afternoon.I got this book signed by the author after I won it. I am sure she doesn't remember me, but I sure remember her and her answers to questions during the TAC panel. I always feel a strange connection with people who have gone through similar difficulties as I have while growing up. It's sort of like, we have our dirty little secrets but at the same time we know now that we weren't the only ones suffering and when you actually get help and can overcome these problems, you look back on those times with a sadness and fondness and it helps you relate to others you see are in trouble.In some ways, this book reminded me of Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen. I read the book before I realized they had made a movie from it. That book has always sat at the core of my being and it helped me through a lot of crap just by existing. Finishing Purge gave me the urge to re-read that book. I just have to find it among the many boxes of books I have in the basement. I think I will re-read Girl, Interrupted this year. Maybe even this month.I am happy that authors are starting to write more about these types of issues. Or, maybe, I'm happy that publishers are finally realizing that these stories need to be published. Growing up isn't just about boys and clothes and makeup and vampires and werewolves. Oh, no. Growing up is about life and its hardships and the many ways people try to cope because they can't find any other way that works.I am rambling way too much about this because I am still emotional from reading the book. I'll stop now. ;)