remembering
erin walker :: august 6, 1977 - october 23, 1994
when i close my eyes
she's too young to be forgottenher world has only just begunher future is an empty slatewaiting to be filledand i see herstanding therewhen i close my eyes
dancing in the skyover moonbeams, around cloudsstarlight in her eyesangels in her hairand i see herwhen i close my eyes
child of the sunlightdaughter of the daysleeping on bed of roseswith flowers in her hair
the wind it softly kissed her cheekthe raindrops fell like tears
and i see herwhen i close my eyes
a thousand white candlestheir flames dancing with the airas rocks play tag with ocean
she's fast asleepnever to be woken
and i see herwhen i close my eyes
© catherine healyOctober 23, 1994
~~>--<@>--<~~
You know what I think about the most on today's anniversary? That next year it will be 20 years since the accident. Twenty. It has been longer (even now) since then than the number of years I knew Erin and had her as a friend.
I am no longer the 18-year old girl I was when this accident happened. I am nineteen years older. I am less innocent. I am a lot more jaded. Yet, there's rarely a month that goes by that I don't think of Erin and wonder what sort of 30-something woman she'd be now. What she would think of current events, fashion choices. How she'd be as a mother - because I know she'd have been a mother by now and I would have loved to have watch her children grow up. Even though I don't want any of my own. Even though I am not particularly a fan of children myself... it's just something that has been on my mind lately. Probably because I am surrounded by mothers - new and old and at my age everyone seems to have kids.
My mother and Heather grew up together. They had children. Erin and I grew up together, though I guess we never finished growing up since her life was cut short at only 17. These two women made such an impact on so many people. They are always remembered fondly and people smile when their names are mentioned. I still have trouble talking about either of them with the father and brother who were left behind. I am still not comfortable bringing up memories or their names even though others do. It's just not something I feel like I can speak about. But the need to talk is there.
I'm often surprised by how strongly I still feel this loss all these years later. It doesn't seem like 19 years ago. It seems so much closer than farther away. Still, to this day. I suppose this was my first really traumatic moment in my life and it will forever be seared into my mind. When you're expecting someone to show up at choir practice because you'd just said "see you tomorrow" the night before... and you've never had anything else this shocking happen in your 18 years of life... it sticks with you.
I wasn't blood family, but that's not always the only way to define family. Erin was special to me and such a close friend. I still wish she could have been in my wedding in 2005. I'm still bewildered that she wasn't. Sometimes I still think she's just a phone call away (or, I guess in this day and age, a text away). I think she'd have loved texting and instagram and be annoyed by facebook like the rest of us are.
I still feel so much all these years later. I suppose I always will. I don't only think of these two in October. Erin is always on my mind. I oddly always think of her mother when we make Kraft Dinner (Heather made the BEST Kraft Dinner I have ever had!) and when I see really great photography.
19 years later and you are both still missed so much and loved so very, very strongly.
(Next year I swear I will have a recording of this song to go with the post. A real one. It's my goal.)