i'm darkness and light, bubbles and faerie wings. i am sparkles and glitter, shadows and clouds. i love purple, and faeries, and books, and music.

Ramblings by Category

Ramblings by Year

remembering – 2016 edition

erin walker 1977-1994

erin walker :: august 6, 1977 – october 23, 1994

when i close my eyes

she’s too young to be forgotten
her world has only just begun
her future is an empty slate
waiting to be filled
and i see her
standing there
when i close my eyes

dancing in the sky
over moonbeams, around clouds
starlight in her eyes
angels in her hair
and i see her
when i close my eyes

child of the sunlight
daughter of the day
sleeping on bed of roses
with flowers in her hair

the wind it softly kissed her cheek
the raindrops fell like tears

and i see her
when i close my eyes

a thousand white candles
their flames dancing with the air
as rocks play tag with ocean

she’s fast asleep
never to be woken

and i see her
when i close my eyes

© catherine healy
October 23, 1994


I have been reflective on October 22 and 23 for twenty-two years now. I have been blogging about this memory since 2004 (sadly the first posts were lost on a since-deleted blog). Whenever the dates fall on a weekend, it’s harder.

I remember sitting in the Church, during choir practice, waiting for Erin and her brother to arrive. We’d just seen each other the day before at school, and I was ready to start gossiping and giggling about all sorts of things in-between songs. But they didn’t show up.

It was a rainy, miserable October day. Just like today. The Church was damp, humid, a weird combination of too cold, and too warm. You can’t dress comfortably for this kind of weather. The sky was dark, grey. The day was gloomy and glum. Just like today.

I often see women around campus who remind me of Erin. I remember one year there was a student in my Faculty who looked so much like Erin, and whose name was Erin, it made my breath catch. I take the bus home to the South Shore from in town and I think about how Erin did that every day while in high school. A time I rarely ventured into the city. And I remember her, in her school uniform, talking about the bus, and the commute, and how confident she was about the trip. I was terrified of public transportation back then. Sure I would be mugged or worse. Always afraid of the people around me. But Erin was fire. She was flame. She was a spark that would shine bright and confident, even if maybe she didn’t feel that way all of the time. I admired her. I envied her. I loved her.

When you lose a friend while you are still young yourself, I think the loss and emotions stitch themselves into your entire being. Right into your bones. I have lost many others since 1994, but the loss of Erin and her mother are possibly the biggest imprint on my life. I can still vividly recall the smell, sounds, sight, and atmosphere of the Church that Saturday. I can still see myself watching the front doors, waiting for the arrival of my friends. I recall the whispers, the anxiety, the feelings that I can almost taste in my mouth.

And so this weekend, I remember. And I mourn. And I fondly remember all the laughs and good times. Because life is short, and you want to be a spark in the gloom. Remembering Erin always makes me remember to be that spark. For others. For myself.

sophspirational saturday

september adventure

Yoshi sees ducks

Hey there, Internet! I have had an unusually active and adventurous September this year. Considering my Septembers have been purely school-focused since 2012, this has been a pretty fun break from the norm. One of the courses I was to take this semester was cancelled, so instead of having two six-week classes, I only have one – and that one starts on October 24!

This has left me to enjoy the end of summer, and beginning of autumn, and really appreciate these weekends and all they have to offer.

I did something crazy and exciting earlier this month – I sang with a band! In front of real, live people! What? Only something I have dreamed of doing since FOREVER. Seriously. It was awesome. I even developed an appreciation for Country music (which I always just blanket thought I disliked.)

Strings Attached at GPK Family Fun Day

September 17, 2016 @ Greenfield Park

My brother-in-law, and his uncle asked if I’d like to participate in a group to sing at a Family Fun Day fundraiser for local elementary schools. At first I was hesitant, and shy, but as I went to the practices I started having a lot more fun than I thought I would have had. And it was a nice change from focusing on school work yet again. I channeled my inner Jem and sang my little heart out. I wasn’t even nervous, which surprised the heck out of me. It was the first time I’d ever performed outside, too. It was a challenge, but we survived the wind and weather. And I’ll be honest – I miss my band mates. I miss the weekly practices, though I’ll be happy doing them on a non-weeknight if we do something again. I am not a person who is good at being awake after 8pm. 😉

This past weekend, Shawn and I took the dogs and drove to visit my parents in Kingston. My parents weren’t able to make it to the band performance, so I said I would come visit them. We had a ton of food, and walks along the water. And I love the area that my parents are in so much. I will move out there one day. I will.



Shawn stayed one night, and came home by train the next day. I drove myself and the dogs home on Monday. ALL. BY. MYSELF. I’m so proud of me. Thopse of you who have been driving since you were teens are probably scoffing at me right now. But you know what? I don’t care. =P I’ve only had my license for five years, and I don’t do much of the driving at all. Last year’s jaunt with Yoshi to a dog show in Cornwall was the first time I’d ever a) driven that far b ) driven that far BY MYSELF, and c) went on a trip by car without another human being. So a four hour drive home, with two dogs, was a Big Deal for me. I even learned how to use Cruise Control! Who says you can’t teach an old dog (40-year old Cat) new tricks. [Side bar: WHERE HAS CRUISE CONTROL BEEN ALL MY LIFE??]

This weekend I’m off an yet another adventure to visit my cousin Sheryl in New Brunswick! I was finally able to find some way to redeem my Air Miles (before they expire in December. I’ll not get into how much that makes me do a Very Grumpy Face. Nor will I get into how DIFFICULT it was to try and redeem any of my miles. Ugh.) So I’ll be visiting for a short, whorl-wind weekend, where we will celebrate our 40th years together. (Birthdays long past, but still in the right year!) I haven’t been to visit Sheryl since 2008OMG 2007!! –, and that trip was cut short because I was still so sick all of the time.

This time around, I’m flying both ways, and I am trying to not think about how terrified of flying I am.

So, I’ll just leave this photo here. One that I took on Saturday night, near my parents’ place. Because it’s gorgeous. And peaceful. And I love it there.


And I will fondly remember this September full of adventures. So many new things I accomplished, or tackled. I think I’m doing 40 ok.

five favourite silly films


Sometimes days are tough. Sometimes you go too long without smiling, or laughter. It’s impossible to completely distance yourself from negativity blasting out from every direction – tv, radio, newspaper, internet… And when things get to be too much, I sometimes turn to a comfort that isn’t reading, or music.

There are a handful of silly films that never fail to make me laugh, no matter how often I have watched them. Some of them I own, others I need to remember to buy so I have them on hand when I need it. I thought I’d share five of the films that I adore regardless of how cheesy or silly they are.

The Emperor's New Groove

The Emperor’s New Groove

(Disney, 2000) I think this is possibly my most favourite Disney movie even though I have always said Snow White was my favourite. There’s something about TENG that makes me gasp-for-air-laugh every single time I watch it. There’s not one character I don’t like. The villains are hilarious. (“Why do we even have that lever?!”)  I think it helps that I have always found llamas amusing. But this movie is my ultimate feel-better-about-life comfort comedy, from Kronk’s self-sung theme music, to Kuzco’s silly llama shenanigans, to the the little old man who warns you beware the “groooooove”. This movie is just giggles galore. (IMDB link.)

Bring it On

Bring It On

(Beacon, 2000) If I’m not watching The Emperor’s New Groove to cheer myself up, I’m probably watching Bring It On. I fell in love with this movie the second I saw it. I’ve even watched all of the other sequel-type cheer movies, but this one is my heart movie. I can’t ever watch this one too often. It is so much fun! (except for the barfing scene. Ugh.) (IMDB link.)

Josie and the Pussycats

Josie and the Pussycats

(Universal, 2001) So much camp! So cheesy! So punny! But So! Much! Fun! This is a total parody movie, but by golly does it make me laugh. I also bought the soundtrack because I kinda love the music from this movie. This really isn’t the most intelligent of movies, but it’s sugary fun. And you sort of have to tune out any idea of the comic book group, because this is so far off from that creation that you wonder why they even used the name. Still, it makes me laugh. A lot. (IMDB link.)



(DreamWorks, 2010) This movie joined my top 5 favourites by total accident. I had avoided watching it for so long, and then when I was off on med leave a few years ago, I put it on since it was free on Netflix. I had zero expectations of getting through the movie, let alone liking it. It’s a surprisingly hilarious movie. I have only watched this twice, unlike the other movies that I turn to when I need a laugh, but it’s coming up on time to watch it again. The humour is a lot more subtle than I thought it would be. There are many laugh-out-loud moments in this film, too. One of the best things is finding a delightful movie when you least expect it. (IMDB link.)



(Disney, 2010) If you had asked me the first time I watched Tangled if it would ever end up one of my favourite movies, I’d have laughed at you. The first time I watched the movie I was extremely underwhelmed. I didn’t like it much at all. And then I noticed people talking about it all the time, and quoting from it, and talking about Flynn Rider’s “smoulder”, and I’d laugh. And I’d think, “hey, yeah, that WAS funny” Not to mention I did love the horse. I eventually watched the movie again – and loved it. I loved it a LOT. I have watched it a few more times since then and each time I watch it I find something else more charming, and more funny that I missed the first time. I am now totally Team Tangled. (IMDB link.)

Hmm, I just noticed that these films all seem to have come out around the same time. Three between 2000-2001, and two in 2010. I guess those are golden years for humour. Most of the stuff that comes out now isn’t nearly as entertaining. But that’s ok. I still have these films to pick me up when I am home sick, or feeling blue. They all make me laugh out loud, and help me get through the blahs.

you’re a good mom

I have never wanted kids. I’m not a fan of kids. I wasn’t even a fan of kids when I was a kid. Kids make me anxious. They are honest, blunt, judgemental, and emotional. (And like…do they have to point out the giant zit on my nose to everyone? Do they think I’m a loser? OMG do they think I’m cool? Am I not cool??)

I never played Mom With Kids, as a child. I played many other games – Doctor’s Office Receptionist, Grocery Store Cashier, Librarian. Those were the games I played. I had lofty goals. (I didn’t know back then that to be a Librarian you had to go to school for a billionty years. No thank you.) Occasionally I played School. There I was the teacher to my seated stuffed toys, but really all I wanted to do was write on the chalkboard. Chalkboards are fun and I loved getting to use one. I never really asked my stuffed toy students to participate. I just wrote things on my makeshift board.

But others do want children. And they have them. Or they struggle to. And so many people have children who probably shouldn’t have had them. You read the news, you know what I am talking about.

But this post. This post is for the friends I have, whom I love and adore and admire, this is for them. And to each one of them I say:

You’re a good mom.

You are. Truly.

My mom friends have children of all ages. Some friends I met before they had children, some I befriended who had young children, or older ones. I myself have a mother. I watched her raise me and my sister.  I have watched these women with their own children and at some point I have heard the phrase “I’m not a good mother” uttered from every one.

But it’s a lie. Don’t believe it. Ever.

I have watched you comfort your children when sad, hurt, or scared.

I have watched you discipline your children when they do something wrong, dangerous, or mean.

I have watched you encourage your children to always be themselves, teach them to be polite, and to be kind to others.

I have watched you cry, pace, rage for your children as they face challenges like exams, oral presentations, scary medical stuff, bullies, or even because they wanted to dress themselves that day and you were worried about them being picked on.

I have seen, firsthand, the love you have for your children. You want to protect them from all harm, and monsters under the bed. And you do everything you can to keep them in this bubble of safety.

And sometimes things go awry. Sometimes they fall and bones are broken. Sometimes they don’t listen and harm might befall them. Sometimes the world is just a terrifying place and there are so many things you cannot control. And I have seen you doubt your ability to be a good parent because you can’t protect your offspring from the world.

It will never be perfect. Nothing is. You have given your children a solid base for them to grow from. Eventually they make their own decisions because they are tiny humans who have suddenly become bigger humans. And those values, and lessons, and all the love you’ve poured into them for their entire lives… All of that will influence those decisions. You will always be a part of them. After all, you were also once the child of a mother. You had parents who raised you and you turned out okay enough to have your own children.

I have watched your children grow up. Some I have seen grow in person, and some only through photos and your own words to me about your child. And I don’t really care about children. I don’t like them much, so if I happen to be all mushy gushy over your child? That’s a legit reaction and interest. I won’t fake interest in children just to be polite. I just won’t talk about them. But I’ve met, and know, so many amazing kids – of all ages – whom I am so proud of. And I genuinely want to know how they are doing and what they are doing.

And I know you’re a good mom because otherwise I’d probably stop caring about your kids because they annoy me. Heh. But seriously, I know you’re a good mom because I have seen these tiny humans, that you insanely let grow INSIDE YOU LIKE AN ALIEN (gah!), turn into bigger humans who are full of love, and intelligence, and ideas, and dreams and imagination. And I kinda sort of love them.

You’re a good mom because you love your children and you want what’s best for them, and to keep them safe, and loved.

There will always be downs that go with the ups. You will always probably feel like you’re fighting an uphill battle. But you love. And care. And protect. And every human has their own energy in the world and that’s important. You’re doing your best, and that doesn’t mean you’re doing everything perfectly. Because perfect is a myth.

I’m no expert on raising a child. I can hardly take care of myself most days. I can’t keep a plant alive in the house at all. I do pretty well with raising my dogs. But that’s nothing compared to a young human. Young humans are tough. (Seriously, do they think I’m cool? What if they don’t think I’m cool?! Am I a loser?? GAH!)

Siblings will fight. (Expert on that one.) Children will scream to high hell at their parents. They will eventually utter the words “I HATE YOU AND WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!” That’s all smoke. We did it, too. I think it’s like a rite of passage.

I have a mother. She has also wondered if she could have been a better mom. (SPOILER ALERT: the answer is no. She is a wonderful Mummy.)  And I know mothers. That’s the extent of my knowledge on the motherhood front. But I don’t think you have to BE a mom. to know when you SEE a good mom. There is always doubt in everything you do. I think that’s part of human nature. But to you, my friends, I have watched you. I have heard you. I have known you for all different lengths of time, but I see you.

And you, my friend, are a good mom.

You are. I’m extremely proud to know you. And I probably don’t totally dislike your kids.