i'm darkness and light and bubbles and faerie wings. i love purple and faeries and music and i'm pretty sure that WordPress hates me.

the past is always closer and farther away than you think it is

On Friday, January 23, I turned 39. I am officially in the last year of my 30s. It’s strange to me. Last week when I was looking through my blog for a old photo in archives, I came across this post. I found it oddly time appropriate since the first item on that list was “10 years ago” and it was written 10 years ago from now. It made me sad, and nostalgic, and happy, and, well… wonder. Is it time to change the same answers on this list? Because they are awfully similar to what I am doing now.

So here goes.

10 years ago:
I was 29.
It was 2005.
I got married to my soulmate on July 2.
I was working at the University bookstore.
I thought I’d be moving on from working at McGill. Silly me.
I thought I’d be moving out of Quebec soon. Silly me.
I had amazing friends, but I still suffered from the insecurity that people didn’t really like me.
I had a learner’s permit, and never really practiced driving.

5 years ago:
I was 34.
It was 2010.
I had laser eye surgery. It took 3 years to heal. =/
I saw CATS at Place des Arts with my husband.
I was married for 5 years. That went fast.
I did have a new job, after the bookstore, but it was still at McGill. Now I’m an assistant to a Dean.
I still had my learner’s permit. Maybe this year?
I traveled to NYC by myself to attend Book Expo America.
I thought I’d be moving on from working at McGill soon. Silly me.
I thought I’d be moving out of Quebec soon. Silly me.

3 years ago:
I was 36.
It was 2012.
I was finally driving. Driver’s licence obtained September 2011. Go, me!
My parents moved out of Quebec, to Ontario. Before I did. Go figure.
I traveled to Quebec City with my husband. A short, weekend vacation.
I started Jinx’s Garden. He took it over after I planted it.
I was married for 7 years. That went fast!
I went back to school. First time in 17 years. Scary.
I thought I’d be moving on from working at McGill soon. Silly me.
I thought I’d be moving out of Quebec soon. Silly me.

1 year ago:
I was 38.
It was 2014.
We lost Jinx, unexpectedly and tragically. And we’re still trying to recover.
I shut down my book blog. A difficult but necessary decisions
I celebrated 13 years of working at McGill.
I thought I’d be moving on from working at McGill soon. Silly me.
I thought I’d be moving out of Quebec soon. Silly me.

Today: I am 39.
It is 2015.
I will be married for 10 years in July.
I am still at McGill. Still in Quebec.
I am still recovering from a trauma that happened almost 2 years ago.
I don’t know who I am or who I want to be.
I don’t know where I want to be in life.
I feel slightly broken, though happy at the same time.
I am ready for change. Ready for adventure.
I am very ready to get out of my 30s.
I am ready to leave McGill and leave Quebec.
I am ready for adventure. The good kind.

I might be stuck. I don’t want to be.

I am nowhere near where I thought I’d be ten years ago today. I don’t know where that is, but it certainly isn’t where I currently am in life.

I have no idea how 10 years have passed in the blink of an eye. I don’t feel like that much time has passed at all. Where did it go?

Sophspirational Saturday

you know, THAT kind of morning

I slept hard last night. I normally don’t sleep well at all. I get up multiple times in the night. But last night I got up once, to go to the bathroom, and then I was dead to the world again.

I only know this because I generally wake up within the first 5 minutes of my wake-up light lighting up. It starts to brighten the room 20 minutes before the “alarm” goes off (in this case, gentle piano music. I could do chirping birds, but that makes me anxious). It was two minutes to 7am when I semi-realized that the room might be lighter. AND the sun was out this morning, too. And when the piano started I had no idea what was going on.

It took forever for my eyes to want to open. I was still in bed, trying to shake the sleep from my brain, 10 minutes after the alarm went off. I just couldn’t wake up. I wasn’t the only one, I had to call Shawn’s name since he was sleeping through the alarm, too.

Yoshi stood up (on the bed) before we did. Then plopped himself back down on top of me. Probably thinking we were going to spend the day in bed together.

Everybody need a bosom for a pillow, MummyHooman. Your’s is just right.

I stumbled around once out of bed. Trying to figure out how clothes worked. Seriously. I felt like I should have won an award just for figuring out how to put my underwear on this morning. Getting my legs through the holes in the undies was a miraculous feat. Undies are complicated.

So is standing upright.

Turns out, I am not wearing the pants I thought I put on this morning. I realized this on my walk to the bus stop and they started falling down. I am wearing a pair of jeans that I need to use a belt for. I do not have a belt with me. By that time, I was already bundled in my OMG IT’S BLOODY FREEZING outdoor attire, and I was trying to make the bus. There was no going back.

So I had to walk to work holding my pants up, through my coat. That’s, like, having your hands in your coat pockets, but also grabbing the top of your pants through the inside of the pockets, so they don’t fall to the ground and trip you, and allowing you to get frostbite on your patootie.

I knew I was stopping at Starbucks across from work, and I am so happy that the friend that now works there has seen me during regular awake hours, and this morning’s failure of trying to order stuff wasn’t her first impression of me. She’d probably think I was extremely dim. I had to put money on my starbucks card, and order a coffee, buy some food and OJ. It was confusing (to me). I had no idea what the heck was going on. Em might have managed to steal money from my bank account this morning, how out of it I was. I’m surprised I didn’t just hand her my debit card and bank PIN. Oy.

I also realized as I sat down at my desk, ready to check email, that I didn’t wear my necklace today. This is akin to forgetting to wear your watch, when you wear one all of the time. I feel naked (and, quite possibly could be at some point, when my pants finally fall down) and it’s throwing me off my game (even more-so than just my foggy, still asleep brain state).

I have already downed an orange juice, green apple, cheese, almonds and cranberries. I am almost finished with my coffee. I am in this weird foggy, spacey, state. I’m not sure when my brain will finally wake up.

It’s going to be an interesting day in the office, that’s for sure.

The Truth About Alice [a book review of sorts]

The Truth About Alice
by Jennifer Mathieu

Everyone knows Alice slept with two guys at one party.

But did you know Alice was sexting Brandon when he crashed his car?

It’s true. Ask ANYBODY.

Rumor has it that Alice Franklin is a slut. It’s written all over the bathroom stall at Healy High for everyone to see. And after star quarterback Brandon Fitzsimmons dies in a car accident, the rumors start to spiral out of control. (goodreads.com)

Look at me! Two books read so far this year! And just yesterday, my Goodreads challenge widget was yelling at me; telling me I was already behind schedule to reach my goal of 50 books read for the year. That challenge widget is a bully. It needs to chill out a little. I mean, I get most of my reading done in the summer, so two weeks into the new year, it shouldn’t be all “WHY AREN’T YOU DOING ANYTHING BUT READING RIGHT NOW? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Chill out, widget. Chill.

Ok, so I am going to admit that I thought this was a suicide book. You know, a book about suicide. Or depression and stuff. And since I have a (healthy) obsession with mental illness novels, I was very interested in reading it. I have been wanting to read The Truth About Alice for a while now, but since I wasn’t really buying books last year, I didn’t. My library did not have it in their system. But then I got gift cards for Christmas (yay!) and so the book buying, I had been avoiding for most of 2014, was happily reactivated in 2015. Woo!

Thing is, this book is NOT a suicide book. (Spoiler? I guess not. I mean, it’s not like I’m ruining any part of the plot. It’s not part of the plot at all.) It is a book about bullying though. And I also like to read about those stories, too.

I realize this makes me sound… crazy? Or something. But really, when I am in certain moods, I find books about these subjects slightly comforting. It’s like listening to sad songs when you’re, well, sad. You just wallow and let your emotions run rampant. It’s freeing. It might be a little Emo, but whatever. It’s better than holing up in a dark room and hiding from the world. I was in a sunny, living room, surrounded by my husband and fluffy dogs and reading. It was cathartic.

The other thing about this book is that it is told in multiple points of view. Not something I normally care for, but a) this caught me my surprise (because I don’t read reviews anymore, and just pick books up when I read a summary that clicks with me) and b) I realized very quickly that I liked the flow of the story from the points of view of the characters.

Four characters. None of them Alice herself.

The popular girl.

Alice’s best friend, and in the popular crowd.

The best friend of the popular boy who died.

The weird, genius kid that no one ever speaks to.

And they all talk about Alice. They tell you their versions of her story. And I can hear each individual so clearly through their chapters. I found them all believable. I could actually see this happening and how it happened, and why it happened.

Teenagers are shallow creatures. Social status is often way more important that long-lasting friendships. Meaningful relationships. Teenagers are cruel. Teen girls are mean. Teen boys can be hurtful.

Anyone can be a bully. Anyone can be a friend. Anyone can be an enemy – even if there’s no reason to be an enemy. Sometimes teen years are a constant battle between opposing forces that appear and disappear overnight. Jealousy, insecurity, pride, are all accelerants in the explosive fires of teenage drama. And sometimes there are innocent casualties.

So, yeah. I did think this was a book about suicide. Especially since the story is told by everyone except Alice. So I was expecting the worst and yet… the story has an ending I wasn’t thinking I was going to get. And it surprised me. And it made me sit back, close the book, and say out loud, “Huh.”

This was a quick read; it’s not a very long book, but it’s one I enjoyed. It makes me happy when I start the year with books that really click with me. Especially when I have been so meh about books lately. I have had such trouble with stories holding my attention. So these two books I have finished since January 1st? They make me happy.

Which is why I wanted to blog about them.

The end.

 

PS – I found it immensely weird to be reading a book about a town with my last name. Seriously. That is highly unusual.

Sophspirational Saturday