It is extremely rare that it happens, but occasionally I will have a moment of wishing I was Teen Me again. Trust me when I say that it is extremely rare, because even when I was Teen Me, I couldn’t ever understand why people thought being in their teens was a good thing. I was not a happy teenager. I may have looked it on the outside, but on the inside I was a dark, angry, ink scribble mess. I was shy, depressed, anxious, and was filled with the fear of people not liking me, or hurting me.
But when that rare occasion that I wish I was Teen Me again crops up, it will happen during the summer.
From the age of 9 months, until I was old enough to be stupid and want to stay HOME, we spent every summer a Marine Village on the shores of Lake Champlain in upstate NY. All. Summer. My mother didn’t work, and my grandparents were retired. We started out just renting one of the cottages there, and then in 1988 my parents bought us a trailer, and my grandparents switched to renting a mobile home. Once we had our own place, we’d open it up over the May long weekend, and spend every weekend there until school was out. That’s when my mum, sister, and my grandparents, would relocate for the summer until school started again after Labour Day. My dad would come down on weekends, and use his vacation time during the summer.
I want to go back and be Teen Me in the Summer because I want to tell myself that I don’t have to fear everything, and I can have fun. I wish I could have enjoyed myself more and not look back at these photos and wish that I hadn’t been so reserved, so shy, so sad.
These were the days before internet, and before social media. You kept in touch with friends by writing letters by hand. You went to the payphone at the laundry-mat near the entrance to the camp and used a dime (!!!) to call your summer friends and see if they wanted to hang out.
I was so insecure. I would hide away in the trailer and read, read, read, and listen to music and sing, sing, sing. So many summer friendships, summer crushes, summer days wasted because I was too shy to really participate in anything. I did, I just wasn’t really there in the moment. I was too busy inside my own head fretting over every little thing. “Did I do something wrong?” “Did I say something wrong?” “Maybe because I don’t like the same things, I’m not good enough.”
I was never a kid who liked to be with kids. While others my age were babysitting children, I was happily watching after people’s pets when they had to leave for a few days. I could spend my days in the water, on the docks, in the park, and be so happy just being outside. I would play with a few kids, but worry so much about what they thought of me, I never actually enjoyed most of that interaction. I long for those days now. I wish I could go back and just relax, and have FUN.
I hated myself then. I see teens of friends I have now and envy their confidence and ability to have fun. I always wanted that, and I could have had it if I wasn’t so scared of being me, or scared of being hurt by people I wanted to like me. (Who did like me, but I didn’t believe it at the time.) I’m not saying that teens today don’t have the same issues that all teens have had, it’s just that I see kids having fun and not worrying too much about it, and I wish I had been able to find that in myself when I was that age. I thought I was ugly. I thought I was fat. FAT! Do you see me in these photos? Good lord! Fat. Teen Me you were a ninny!
Does that body look fat to you? I only wore that bikini a handful of times, and mostly kept a shirt over myself to cover it up. I didn’t think I was pretty. I felt alone. I wasn’t alone at all, but I felt it.
The older I got, the less I wanted to come spend my summers down at the trailer. What I FOOL I was. Imagine, having almost 3 whole months to do nothing but be in the water, and outside in nature. There was a dairy farm across the street. I would go sit and watch the cows for hours. I loved it there. But my friends back home wanted to do things, and I thought if I was away for too long, they’d forget about me and I’d be back with no friends. (Foolish Teen Me, yet again!)
Those summers at Marine Village were the best. Literally. Even though I didn’t truly believe it at the time, I made so many friends, and so many happy memories out on Lake Champlain. Like how Lady used to somehow slip out of her collar, while tied up next to us in front of the trailer, and suddenly end up in the lake. She’d slither on her belly away from us and we’d only notice when a neighbour would come up and say, “hey, is that your dog in the water?” She did this a few times. It was hilarious. Spending weeks with your family can be tough, but we all did our own thing. I love spending evenings playing cards with my grandparents on their screen porch. I’d do crossward puzzles with them while looking out at the water.
I’d spend so much time in the water. I loved being in the water. Until I got a little older and felt the need to cover up my body at all times, and suddenly became terrified of being eaten by some evil fish hiding in the shadows. Oh, me. On really hot nights we would run down to the end of the dock, and jump in the water to cool off right before bed.
I wish I hadn’t thrown away those summers so easily. Getting to spend months on a beach, in the water, bike riding, walking, playing basketball and tennis in the park….those were the days. Now I save up vacation days and take time off and do nothing. It’s too expensive for us to go places, and it’s not quite the same. I miss those summers of nothing, but everything. Bon fires. Roasting marshmallows. Late nights walking around with your summer friends and just talking and staring at the stars.
I wish I was able to have really enjoyed it then, as I know I did enjoy it now. I want to go back with my self-confidence, and happy to be ME attitude, and let Teen Me in the Summer live her life to the fullest.
I want the girl who looks happy in these photos to actually BE happy in those photos. I want her to fully enjoy the summer friendships, the summer crushes. I want her to take chances, and have fun. I want her to stop worrying about doing something wrong, and just live her life in the moment.
Because Current Me? Current Me remembers those moments as being the only ones where she was happy being Teen Me. And during the summer it’s the only time I ever think about wanting to BE Teen Me once again. I miss Teen Me sitting out at the end of the dock, looking out over Lake Champlain, and writing songs. I miss Teen Me riding her bike around the camp, and up and down the road to the dead end, or to the corner store (that burnt down. Twice.). I miss Teen Me hanging out with her summer crush and hoping to see him out in his yard while I was out at the end of the dock. (Perfect vantage point, yo.) I miss Teen Me just sitting on the dock, staring at the water for hours. I miss swimming. I miss my grandparents. I miss my summers at Marine Village.
Current Me wishes she could go back and tell Teen Me in the Summer to just breath, smile, laugh. Have fun. Enjoy every second you’re out here in nature, and water, because adulting is hard work, and to get those carefree days back, you need to make a lot of money. Growing up too fast is not worth it. Be happy. You are loved. You are pretty. You sure as hell are NOT fat. You’re awesome Teen Me in the Summer. Enjoy your summer. Be free.
Those of you who still happen to read my blog should recall that I have not been able to sit and read for over a year now. Reading is always my main form of escape and relaxation, so frustration levels have been high. Where I would once reach close to 150 books read a year, I was struggling to read a book a month for way too long. Nothing captured my attention very long. Everything seemed so… trivial, and unoriginal.
But recently I have been on a big reading kick. I devoured book after book as if I was just handed a bottle of water after having been lost in a desert for months. I have read 16 books since the end of February and 14 of those were Fantasy novels. Fourteen. In a row. The bulk of which were read from the end of April until just this past week. The two other books weren’t typical fantasy, but they were middle grade books with a magical element.
So here are some of the fantasy novels I really enjoyed over the last 3 months! (And it appears something broke in an update and now italics doesn’t work on my blog. I can’t recall how to fix this problem, so just trust me that I have properly italicized the book titles as I should until I can fix the broken thing.)
Shadow Study (Soulfinders, #1)
Maria V. Snyder
I had completely forgotten that Maria V. Snyder had begun a new series with the characters from the Study Series. I loved the original trilogy and was quite looking forward to revisiting my friends Yelena and Valek. I was a little wary of this new series however – often the sequels or the revisits do not do the original story justice. I was thrilled when I fell comfortably back into the fictional world that Snyder created with Poison Study. What I loved most about this book (besides the characters) was the fact that I couldn’t trust anyone in this story. I can’t wait to read the next book. I love when books keep me guessing! (Adult / YA Fantasy.)
Home (Magic Thief, #4)
I fell fast in love with the Magic Thief series last summer. It was pretty awesome to discover a new series that already had three books out. Although it felt like forever before this fourth book published. I wasn’t sure I was going to like this installment when I began reading. I felt like it was going in a direction that was dull, and unoriginal. Thankfully it wasn’t too long before the story twisted in a direction I wasn’t quite expecting and I was in for a very enjoyable ride! You can’t help but love Conn and root for him every step of the way! (Middle Grade.)
The Crown of Embers (Fire & Thorns, #2)
The Bitter Kingdom (Fire & Thorns #3)
I am sort of embarrassed as to how long it took me to get back to this series after I read the first book, The Girl of Fire and Thorns, in 2011. I started out waiting for the books to publish in soft cover so they’d match the advance copy format of the first, and then I seem to have forgotten about them. In my defence, when I did recall I should finish the series, I wasn’t in a book reading, or book buying, mood. Even now, I picked up these two books in soft cover with Christmas money, and then didn’t read them until April when I realized I wanted to read more fantasy stories. I remembered liking the first book a lot, but having some issues with the topic of body image in the story. Thankfully the body image stuff wasn’t as prominent in the second and third books, at least it didn’t stick out at me in any way. I’m trying to remember more about the story for this little blurb, but I have too many books on my brain. I do know that I read Crown of Embers in ONE day, which was a record for me lately. And I think the final book took me 2 days. It’s a great series, trust me! (Young Adult)
Jinx’s Fire (Jinx, #3)
I read the first two books in this series (Jinx; Jinx’s Magic) right after we lost our own Jinx suddenly. It was a magical series I’d been eyeing for some time but never picked up. I suddenly needed to read the books last summer to help myself heal from the loss of Jinxy. Amazingly enough, Jinx has a (sort of) friend named Sophie in this series, and she’s got attitude. It was such a perfect fit for Jinx and our Sophie that I felt that these books were just what I needed when I needed them. Turns out they were also fantastically written novels full of magic and adventure. Jinx (in the story, not the dog) reminded me a lot of Conn from the Magic Thief series at times, which made for delightful reading. There is also a werewolf who considers himself an intellectual, and therefore does not lower himself to the eating of humans like his werewolf kin. But this also means he needs to leave conversations pretty suddenly, lest he accidentally eat you. Heh. Each book in this series has surprised me with its direction. They are pretty meaty books for middle grade fantasy and they are a perfect escape from dreary real life woes. (Middle Grade)
The Rain Wild Chronicles:
Dragon Haven (#2)
City of Dragons (#3)
Blood of Dragons (#4)
This is where things get crazy. While I was on this fantasy kick, I happened to notice that my library had The Rain Wild Chronicles on their shelves. Now, I read the first book Dragon Keeper a billion years ago (2011) and again, forgot about the series while I wait for the mass market versions to come out. I was pretty sure I had enjoyed that first book about dragons, and I knew I loved other books by Robin Hobb, so I took out the three remaining books and gave them a whirl. WELL. These books are not short, and yet I did nothing but read, read, read. At home, at work (on lunch!), on the bus (bus sickness be damned!). I read these books every chance I got. I was loving them completely. I finished the fourth and final book the first night I got to my parents’ place for a 2 week visit. This meant I NEEDED to get MORE books. Since reading this series made me realize that another Hobb series that I had avoided (thinking it was about something else) was just sitting out there waiting for me to read it! But before I get into that… if you love dragons, and you love questing and adventure, then I highly recommend this series. You get pretty attached to the characters (human, and dragon) and Robin Hobb builds an amazing world that you can’t get out of your head for weeks after you’re done reading. Which is why… (Adult)
Ship of Magic (#1)
Mad Ship (#2)
Ship of Destiny (#3)
When this series came out, way back in 1998/1999, I had already read another trilogy by the same author (Farseer Trilogy). I knew I loved her writing, but I didn’t want to read a book about pirates. Little did I know that this wasn’t a series just about pirates. I didn’t know what a Liveship was until I read the Rain Wild series, and that’s when I knew that a) I needed to read this older series, and b) I had an excuse to NOT leave the world created by Hobb. I also realized that there were 4 separate series out there all set in the same world. I didn’t realize it at the time. Now, you can read these in order if you wanted to start at the beginning (Farseer) and work your way to the “end” (Rain Wilds), but I will tell you this: had I not read all four books of the Rain Wilds first, I probably would have tossed the first book of the Liveship series across the room because one of the main characters in this series is the most impossible, bratty, whiny, creature I have ever come across in a book. I hated her. Very strong feelings of hate. Only I knew that she changes because I met her later on in her life. But oh boy. I could have given up on an amazing series because of one snotty girl. The flip side was that the character of Brashen Tell in this book was rather swoon-worthy. I don’t normally have crushes on literary men, but Brashen won my heart. *swoon* (Adult)
An Ember in the Ashes (Ember in the Ashes, #1)
I know this is getting very long, but I needed to add this new release to my list because I was having the WORST time reading anything after ingesting nothing but 6 Robin Hobb books in a row. I couldn’t escape the city of Bingtown or the Rain Wilds as I had been living in them completely for weeks. I saw that my library had just received a copy of this new release that I had been hearing good things about, and since it was on the shelf, I picked it up! I was apprehensive at first because I find so much YA so similar these days. I think I may have burnt myself out with all the reviewing. So I started this book with a sort of sceptical attitude and I may have given some serious side-eye to the first few chapters. Then I realized I was pretty hooked on the story and that the characters weren’t as cookie-cutterish as I thought they would be. Yes all the young love, instant attraction was there, but it didn’t seem that ridiculous, and it didn’t make my teeth hurt from being over-sweet. In fact, I was loving the ruthlessness of the military school. The story went places I thought it wouldn’t go, and that both surprised, and delighted me. When I realized I was almost at the end of the book (and I knew to expect a cliffhanger, and it did go sort of the way I thought it would) I was sad. This book also took me a while to get out of my head. I still think about it today. I think this says a lot about a book that was able to a) distract me from Hobb’s fantasy world, and b) absorb me into its own fictional world. This book has some dystopian elements to the fantasy and I didn’t think it would work well for me, but it did. I am extremely eager for the next book. Sadly it doesn’t even have a title yet. The perils of reading a book so close to its release date! (Young Adult.)
Whew! This was a long post. I have a lot of time to make up for. And I’m on vacation this week, so hopefully there will be more where this came from! If you check out any of these titles because of my post, I’d love to know what you think of them! Also, I’m always game for more fun fantasy book suggestions, so comment away!
I can be your cheerleader. I can be your support. I can encourage you to be your best, and take that chance. I can offer you words of comfort and optimism, all completely sincere, to help you overcome those obstacles, and to find the courage to try something new.
I can offer sage advice on how you shouldn’t let fear of the unknown keep you from trying something new.
I can do all this and more when it comes to supporting someone other than myself.
When it comes down to me, though? Everything sage and sincere I have ever said to someone else is suddenly gone from my head. I start to panic, to procrastinate, to find multiple excuses to not be doing what I should be doing. Something so simple, that will cause no harm, is suddenly the largest monster in the closet and I don’t want to go into that room anymore lest I accidentally let it out.
Change is good.
Change is terrifying.
Without change, you can’t grow. You can’t experience life. You stay static. Trapped. You might hate where you are, but unless you take that first step onto the path leading in another direction, you’ll never change.
I have never been good with change. I like Same. Though as I have grown older I have become much more adaptable to change. Small changes, but still, my entire world does not turn upside down with every small change.
And I want change. I am tired of Same. Sometimes I feel like a fish who has grown too big for its bowl. But trying to get to a new bowl, or a new pond is terrifying.
Without change, there is no chance. There is no adventure. Sometimes you need to shake up your routine.
But when I find myself facing that big red button that says “Push Me to Start Something New”, I hesitate. I fear.
One step onto a different path is all it takes to start change. One tiny step. It’s nothing difficult. But it can feel like stepping off a ledge into thin air.
But I’m ready. I am ready for change. I am ready to talk myself into being my own cheerleader. And this week I took that first step, and I am looking forward to seeing where this new path leads.
I left the building I was walking through, and stepped out onto the street. I was tired, but not as tired as I normally am in the morning on my walk to work. Today was one of the first days without rain, so it was nice to be able to walk outside, in the chilly air, without having to worry about carrying an umbrella, or getting to work a soggy mess.
I crossed the street. I walked up a block, turned the corner heading to the next intersection. I was surprised at how BRIGHT everything was. So bright my eyes were hurting a little. I thought, “Wow, this is what a bit of sun during the day does, even with sunglasses on! There’s been too much rain!”
And then, halfway to the intersection, right before the Birks store, I realized…
My sunglasses were still on my head. They weren’t on my face, over my eyes. I was not wearing my sunglasses and I didn’t even realize it. That would explain why everything was so much brighter than I thought it should be.
Things like this happen to me on a daily basis. I’m not kidding.
This is why I am in my own special category. 😉
I did not realize that it has been about one billionty days since I last updated my blog. Somehow I managed to miss ALL of the month of May. And a lot happened in May. I could have updated if I’d, you know, had time, or, you know, thought about it.
I love my little ol’ blog, so I shall try to do right by it soon. Perhaps I shall carve myself some time over the weekend.
I will admit that I have been doing a lot of reading, and outdoor things, and not turning on my laptop as much when I am home. So that really puts a kink in the blogging thing.
If you’re still out there, internet, and wondering where I have been. I’m here! Hopefully we shall chat more soon!