thoughts (sorry, this is long)

I was afraid I wouldn't sleep last night. But I did. And I think I even slept relatively well for me - I only remember getting up twice to go to the bathroom. I was still up by 8:30 this morning, which is sort of lousy for a day off, but hey, I 'm glad I got up because apparently the recycling truck was passing and we thought it wouldn't today due to it being Good Friday and all.Since  I got my father's phone call last night, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have thought of death. I have thought of cancer. I have thought of family. I have thought of friends. I have thought about life and what it means and what I am doing with mine.The first real brush with death I remember is that of my Great-Uncle Eddie. He was one of my grandfather's many siblings and I always considered him my favourite uncle. He had the same mischievous glint in his eyes that my grandfather did. He also had a budgie named Toby who used to walk up his arm. And whenever Uncle Eddie and Auntie Margie came to visit my grandparents they would bring Toby. I was young the times I would see him, but he was one of those people I instantly loved and wanted to be around. He died when I was 12 or 13. I think I was in the 7th grade. I remember being in drama class and being in this sort of fog. I didn't seem him often, but enough that he had made an impression. I guess he would have been in his 60s when he died. I don't really remember the circumstances or anything, I think he had a stroke, I know he was in a home for a while. But mostly I remember feeling empty inside and sort of sick and just foggy. Did I go to the funeral? You know, I can't remember that either. My parents might have spared me the funeral experience since my sister and I were so young.The next brush with death I remember was my cousins' father. Someone I was not as close to, but I was close to his children. Whenever we'd visit them I wouldn't really have much interaction with him, I was young and shy and followed the three boys around like a lost puppy. I was 14 when this happened? I did attend a memorial service for him and although it didn't affect me the way my Uncle Eddie's death did, it sticks out in my memory because these were people we saw at least once a year and he was family. I believe he died of cancer. And this was really the first time I had ever heard of cancer or had lost anyone I knew to it.These days cancer seems to be everywhere.The biggie, though, and one of the reasons I started to give up on faith is the loss of one of my closest friends and her mother in October 1994. I generally post my tribute to her every year on her anniversary. These deaths hit me the hardest of anything in my life, except that of my Aunt's passing in 2006. My friend was only 17 and her mother only, um... in her 40s. Both my mother and I took this hard as both of us lost childhood friends in that one car accident. Both were wonderful, caring, charitable people and in one instant they were taken from everyone in the world for no reason. No. Reason. I never understood this one. My entire view of the world and the Reasons Why was shattered in one weekend. I was 18 and I thought I understood Fair and Unfair. But apparently I didn't. I sang in the choir at their funeral, but I didn't even want to step into that Church again. I was angry, I was lost, I was empty, I was living on the occasional Coffee Crisp and I gave up on a lot of things I believed in.Between 1994 and 2007 there were deaths and funerals, many of which I didn't attend but my parents did. Great-Aunts passed on that I didn't really know. People died. It happens. My Uncle in Vancouver (my mum's brother) lost his wife to stomach cancer in 2002. They visited once or twice when I was very young, and aside from the phone call at Christmas, I wasn't as close to them as other relatives. I remembered my Uncle Johnny fondly from when I was a kid and knew my Aunty Mary, but things are different when you don't see someone or have contact with them on a regular basis. But Aunty Mary was really the second person I knew of who died of cancer. And it was sudden. Very sudden. And that scared me. How can you suddenly just find cancer and then die? With nothing leading up to it to say, hey, you might be sick! This was also scary because up until the doctors figured out my appendix was torn (and then ruptured) we had the same symptoms for about the same amount of time. Only my diagnosis was found out and fixed and it still took them a little longer to figure out my Aunt's problems only to find it wasn't as easy as an appendectomy.And then, there was my Aunty Kathy. My mum's younger sister, who was my godmother. Who used to live in Alberta but when she married her second husband they ended up moving to Panama where they were building a home. Once they moved to Panama we would see her more often. She would come up for a month or so in October and spend Thanksgiving with us. When Shawn and I bought our house in 2007 I would talk excitedly with my aunt about her coming to spend some time with US in OUR guest room so I could show her my home and we could bake and she could help me decorate! She turned 53  in February of that year and then started not feeling well. From the diagnosis of Multiple Myeloma until the day she passed away was about 3 months. Again, someone who was healthy all the time and suddenly develops cancer and dies in the blink of an eye. I still cry about her every once in a while and it happens randomly. It's almost as though I forget she's gone and when I remember it shocks my system. She was my favourite Aunt. This is another one of those UNFAIR angry moments.My grandparents though? My grandfather was 3 months shy of 97 and my grandmother had just turned 91. They lived 5 minutes away by car most of my life and we saw them every week. They helped raise us and watched us while our parents went away. They had children, grandchildren, a great-grandchild. They had long, loved and healthy lives. They died the way people should die - after a full, long life. In their 90s. Ok, so my grandmother could have done without the cancer, that is for sure, but she was ready to go. I am sad for the empty space they have left in my life, but dude! That space was filled for 33 years. How many people can say they  have had ANY grandparent around that long? I was blessed, they were blessed.The few things that bother me are the fact that my 2 1/2 year old niece is about to go to her 3rd funeral before she turns 3. She is totally aware of death and knows it's sad. When my sister mentioned that Nana was in the hospital Lilly said "I don't want her to die." Two and a half year olds shouldn't know that's happening. She's had more death exposure in her little life than I had by the age of 18.And when I do the math, those without cancer are in the minority. My mom, my Aunt Mary, my Aunty Kathy, my father and now my grandmother all had cancer - my mother and father are survivors. My Uncle John, my grandfather and my sister and I are the minority. (Knock on wood). It's very scary. That's 5 to 4, and the only one safe from this is my grandfather who has already passed on.And then there's the things happen in 3s rule. My Aunt died May 2007, my grandfather June 2008 and now my grandmother in April 2009. My poor mother has lost so much in the last 3 years I feel so much for her. Our family may be small in numbers, but growing up it always seemed so large. My grandparents were always there, my parents, my sister (even though it took me until my 30s to appreciate having one!).We we big on love though small in number.And that's all for now. Long, I know, but I had to get things out of my head.